Wishful Thinking Ch. 05

Well I have to say that I am overwhelmed at such a response! I am still a little hesitant about sharing a story such as this because it is very personal and dark but I have received nothing but warm words from you all and I am so very glad that it has helped some of who have been through a life like mine and have arrived on the other side full of scars and battle weary to know that success and love are waiting for you...You just need to be courageous and reach for them!

Blessings

Taylor.

Mike..

Taylor and I fell into a familiar routine of work and therapy. I saw some changes happening within Taylor such as a loss of appetite and the increasing frequency of his nightmares but I had been reassured by Dr Aimes that this kind of progression was "normal" and things would most likely get worse before they got better.

My main concern of course though was the state of his mental health. Taylor was so very good and putting a happy mask on when underneath he continued to drown. He increased his hours at work and had taken up jogging to relax but having been on one of his little runs it was more like sprinting until he nearly collapsed in the vain effort to escape the darkness within.

I was so desperate to help that I had a bad habit of pushing for him to talk to me. In constant fear of loosing him, I myself began to sleep less so I could catch him in the grip of his night terrors and wake him before his screaming woke the neighbors.

During the day we were at opposite ends of the hospital and so I would text him every once in a while to which Taylor accused me of hovering. I felt helpless and angry because this was all new territory for me, for us and I was beginning to have my doubts about making it through.

Taylor was still understandably reluctant to try the regression therapy because he was terrified of loosing his mind and spending the rest of his life in some institution. We have had long and heated discussions on the subject because it was the only way to go forward but it was so incredibly risky.

Taylor also seemed reluctant for me to touch him. It was like he thought that he was now unworthy or disgusting. Even a small touch to his hand or shoulder made him flinch and then blush because he realized what he had done then proceeded to apologize which only made me feel worse.

I felt like tearing my hair out with pure frustration. I knew that therapy was indeed warranted but all it had seemed to accomplish was drag up things that had now made both of our lives a living nightmare. I tried so hard not to get mad at Taylor when he would remind me that I could leave if it was all getting too much.

I told him to give me some credit and that I wasn't going to be a coward and just walk away. One evening tucked up in bed, we had been watching a storm brewing. Taylor had been very quiet all evening.

Suddenly he sat up and looked at me then back at the storm. There was such a sadness and quiet determination in eyes that it broke my heart. "That storm is like us you know. All dark and turbulent with the power to destroy but maybe just underneath there's the hope of sunshine."

Taylor turned completely around and took my hand in his. This was the first time in months that he had touched me voluntarily. I sat and waited. My heart pounding in my chest. Was this the end or a new beginning?

"Mike I need to tell you how sorry I am...about all of this." He placed a finger to my lips when I started to say something. " I know that I haven't been handling things well and that I have been hurting you and that's the last thing I ever want to do. Please forgive me?"

I felt tears come to my eyes. The last thing he should be doing is saying sorry. "Oh babe..please don't ever think you have anything to say sorry for. Listen neither of us is perfect and this is such new ground and yes it's true I have been feeling the distance between us but I am not about to walk away."

I lent forward and took his beautiful face in my hands...waiting for him to draw back but he didn't. " Taylor I love you. Do you drive me nuts sometimes? Yes but I'm no saint either. We just need to keep being mindful of hurt feelings and keep talking to each other." I smiled and hoped that he could see my love for him. That he could trust that I wasn't going to let him down like so many others had.

He drew my hands to his lips and kissed the tips gently then nipped at them causing a shiver to go through me. I warned myself to not get too carried away because things had started like this a few times then at the last minute Taylor seemed to go into himself and move away.

He bent in to whisper in my ear with his hot breath. "Let me do this ok...I need to find my way home to you again." I was hard instantly with both intense love and desire. He thought he was the lucky one but in truth I had finally found my safe place to fall.

Taylor took things at a maddeningly slow pace but I let him have the lead. He pushed at me so I sank back against the pillows. His eyes darkened and his lips parted and it was all I could do to not take him then and there. His hands ran softy over my chest stopping to tease my nipples into hard peaks.

I felt his hands run over my torso and trace the shape of my navel then his lips followed. I gently caressed his neck and hair relishing the feeling of his mouth on my body. He knew me so well and it took all of my willpower to be still.

His strong hands rubbed my thigh muscles then slid under me to rub my ass. My voice found a life of it's own and my satisfaction rumbled deep in my chest. His eyes found mine and there it was...the first real smile I had seen in such a long time.

By now we were both very turned on, hard and leaking copious amounts of pre cum. Taylor knelt between my legs and nuzzled his way up to my now aching cock. He knew every crevice, every valley and traced them all with his tongue. I heard his small laugh as I moaned loudly and rose to meet his lips.

All at once I was enveloped in his warm wet mouth and I struggled with my control.

His hands found mine and we wound or fingers together...linked once again. His tongue swirled against my hardness as his mouth slid the length of me taking me deep into his throat. This was all going to be over too soon and I hoped he would not be angry with me but I pushed at him gently and drew his body against mine.

"I know I said I would let you take the lead but Taylor I need to taste you. I need.." My voice raspy with desire silenced with a passionate kiss. I hugged him tightly to me. This is what we needed. More than just sex, more than pleasuring each other. We needed to become "us" again.

I felt his hard cock rubbing against mine and we were both so slick that there was no uncomfortable friction just a delicious heat. "Please Taylor let's just kiss and touch..we know what's going to happen if we keep doing just what we are now. I need your weight on me."

Taylor nodded silently knowing what I wanted and moved to take my mouth again. I ran my hands up his back feeling his muscles move and contract with my touch. Our movements against each other became more frantic and I pushed his ass down so we were meshed together.

I heard his small whimpers and quiet moans against my lips and knew our climax was only seconds away. I opened my legs wide and wrapped them around his thighs and felt him slip down between my ass cheeks. By now we had become rutting animals. Lost in a world of overwhelming sensations.

"Mike I can't hold on anymore. I'm going to loose it." Taylor's voice came out in a rush and his teeth caught at his full bottom lip a sure sign to me that he was going to come.

I smothered his face with kisses and pushed harder against him. I could feel my body tense and tighten. "Let go baby..it's ok. Let go. Taylor God I love you." We kissed hard then the world blew away. Both of us declaring to the universe that ours was a love that nothing could shake.

Slowly Taylor raised his eyes to mine. His chest still flushed and his heart beating fast against mine. " I needed that so badly Mike..thank you. I love you so much. I know I can count on you." My face split into a huge smile. Finally he had voiced the one thing I had wanted him to say. He knew I would be there, that he could trust me not to run away.

Taylor went to move off me but I held him close. "No..just stay here like this. Stay with me Taylor." I was not just asking him in the physical sense but also wanting him to always stay with me in his heart. He knew what I meant and I saw the courage in his face. Laying his body on mine he had silently agreed to commit to the future.

We had an appointment with Dr Aimes in the morning and even though nothing was said it weighed heavily on us both. These sessions were exhausting and left us both drained but every small step no matter how painful was a necessary evil towards Taylor getting his life and his power back.

His body had become very heavy and his breathing evened out so I knew he had fallen asleep. I kissed the top of his head and thanked God once again for letting us find each other. I was doing that a lot lately, thanking the powers that be for the miracle of us.

I hoped that tonight would be a peaceful one but more often than not it was punctuated with one of Taylor's nightmares but tomorrow was another day full of possibility.

Taylor and Mike...

I woke with Mike still holding me and the sun streaming through the curtains. No matter transpired today at least it had started off right. Poor Mike. I had put him through so much and still he plodded along beside me his unwillingness to not give up on us sometimes the only thing that held us together.

We had both needed last night so badly to close the distance and heal some of the hurt that we had inflicted on each other.

I gently disengaged myself and went to have a hot cleansing shower. As usual on the mornings of my appointments with Dr Aimes I felt restless and full of nervous energy because each time we uncovered some new horror or level of depravity and I was unsure just how much my mind could take before it went on permanent vacation.

I heard Mike moving around then the glorious smell of brewing coffee. I took some deep calming breaths and turned off the shower. As I dried and dressed I quietly chanted what had become my saving mantra. "I can survive this. I can survive this."

I heard the shower stop and Taylor getting dressed. I hurried to make the coffee, our only breakfast on session mornings. We both declined to eat because of nervous stomachs so it became an unspoken rule between us. Neither would admonish the other for not starting the day with something more substantial than coffee.

Strong arms went around me and I lent back against Taylor. He smelt wonderful and as much as I would have loved to repeat our performance of last night I needed a shower too and the small time apart allowed each of us to mentally prepare for the day ahead.

I turned to plant a kiss on his delectable lips then moved to the bathroom taking my coffee with me.

Did you ever notice that when there is something unpleasureable scheduled the time just seems to fly by? I never seemed to get enough time to charge myself up for the therapy sessions and I knew that Taylor would often love to not go at all but he never said anything. I could read his body language like a book.

Shoulders and back straight and tense. Mouth set with grim determination, eyes just waiting for the pain to hit and driving there his body became it's own instrument of tapping and fidgeting.

Arriving at Dr Aime's office we were so familiar now that knocking wasn't necessary and the receptionist greeted us with a smile not bothering to point the way.

Dr Aimes started the day with a whammy. "Taylor tell me where your mother was in all of this." After dropping that bombshell he sat back and waiting patiently for Taylor to answer. I could see the internal struggle going on and it hurt me so badly but I knew all I could do was wait too.

Taylor...

I heard Dr Aime's question but I did my best to avoid answering it for as long as I could. That was the question wasn't it? Even with everything that my father had done to me at least maybe there was a reason like insanity but what was my mother's defense? That was the greatest betrayal of all. I turned to see two pairs of eyes watching me. Dr Aimes gauging my response and Mike's full of love and compassion.

"That's something I don't let myself think about. But what if....what if she knew and..." I struggled to voice my agony over my mother's lack of response to the abuse of her child.

I stood and stared out the window. "What if she knew and she didn't care enough about me to stop it? What does that make her?" Suddenly I was filled with a rage that threatened to overtake me. My hands curled into fists and I longed to hurt someone until they hurt as much as I did. The another question came to mind.

"What if...she was so wrapped up in herself that she chose not to see? But isn't being a mother all about loving someone else more than yourself? Wasn't I enough for her?"

I begged Dr Aimes with my questions to bring some understanding, some sense of relief but there was none. "Taylor I know you have heard this before but this is something that is just as important as getting your life back. You need to believe with all of you that nothing you ever did or have ever done makes you responsible for their behavior." Dr Aimes rose to join me at the window.

"You didn't deserve or bring any of this on yourself. It sucks I know..and it's not fair. You just happened to be the poor kid that got really bad parents."

His hand rested on my shoulder. I felt the air go out of the room and I suddenly felt very old and very tired.

"Have you made a decision on my regressive therapy idea? I know you're scared about the possible outcome but I truly believe that it can be a useful tool in helping you."

Mike stood too and took my hand in his. He had been so patient with me. Never pushing me to jump either way but I knew that he too felt it was a good idea. I wanted badly to please them both but fear held me fast. "Could I have until our next session to make my decision? I know I'm making excuses..reasons to put this off but I need more time."

I saw disappointment but I also saw understanding. Ok Dr Aimes said. He would give me until next week then it was sink or swim time. Mike and I left that day with a new understanding about how an abused mind compensates for the lack of everything. I had always thought that the choices I made were mine alone but nearly all of them were colored by my past and my desperate search for belonging.

Dr Aimes told me that I needed to be my own savior, my own hero. That I needed to create a "new" me. Someone who was strong and had control over their life.

"I know this is all new to you Taylor but you finally get to write your own story. You need to leap into this new world with a sense of purpose. You get to decide...You."

Those were powerful words for me. No one had ever asked my opinion in anything. Until of course Mike came along. But what I had learnt too was that if you have never had the opportunity to make choices in your life, if you've never had that example set for you then how do you know which is the right path to take?

I felt like an infant again. Learning to walk, talk, feed myself. I was on sensory overload and it both frightened and excited me.

Mike and Taylor.

I looked over at Taylor trying to figure out what he was thinking. He hadn't said a word since leaving Dr Aimes. Each time we learnt something new about his past I was constantly amazed that here he was....operating, functioning, walking around in the world. The thoughts and questions that must torment him every waking moment. I understood now why victims of abuse develop alternate personalities. They need to in order to survive. So why hadn't Taylor?

Dr Aimes had explained this by saying that Taylor had simply cut that part away. It was tucked away so tightly that those thoughts and questions I worried about weren't a part of his reality.

"If the things that you worry about with Taylor actually flooded his thoughts then he really would be in an institution somewhere or he would have ended his life by now. That's why we need to do this one small step at a time." Dr Aimes had said. "It would be like the breaking of a dam...everything in the path of the water would be destroyed."

"Hey babe?" Taylor's voice brought me back. "Could we stop by the beach on the way home? I think I am need of some fresh air."

So for the rest of the afternoon that's what we did. Walked by the ocean enjoying the sun and the smell of the saltwater.

From an outsiders perspective I know we looked like any other couple in love and right now my one wish was that when all of this was over, that's exactly how it would be...normal.

Ok that's it for now....

Blessings

Taylor.