With But Without You, A Letter

Not sure about what to say or how to start.

I am annoyed and at the same time relieved that you are not instant messaging me anymore. Maybe now I can stop talking to you. Maybe you are behaving like this so you can let go of me, or let me go. Who knows? One can never be sure of why others do or say things, we are never sure if we are lying or not. We lie so much: to protect ourselves, to protect others, to protect our secrets. I say that I never lie, but how can I be sincere about all this?

So I guess that am relieved, I do not have to lie anymore to myself or to others. I have made the decision of stopping this nonsense. I have experienced feelings I had long forgotten. I had butterflies in my stomach; I have lost my appetite over an idea, a fantasy, a lot of fantasies. Well, actually I have experienced more than that.

The sex was incredible... the sex that I had with myself, because we never touched. You are miles away from me, yet closer than ever. The connection is mental, emotional, the physical aspect just happens while I am thinking about you after our online chats end every night.

All started with those instant messages, a hello from far away from someone who once meant the world to me but was never meant to be. The hello was from so far that it felt safe. It felt OK to talk to you because the distance that once had separated us and had hurt so much, was protecting me from falling again, from cheating on my husband, from feeling all those things that a married loving wife should not feel about another person.

How wrong was I? Very, very wrong. An open Pandora box, a turmoil of memories with feelings attached so intense that I could not stop thinking of you. All the things that we talked about: your life, my life, how we felt about each other, how we kept tokens of the past passion, how we treasured certain memories... all that fueled my fantasies about the next time that we would meet.

I created so many fantasies! All of them about making love: slow, long and wet, very wet, sex. I imagined so many situations in which we kissed slowly and fucked like it was the first time and the last time. I have been cheating on my husband with my mind, and I have been fucking you also with my mind. It has been really hot, really intense.

My fantasies always start with us going for a coffee or a beer in a public place, somewhere in a foreign country where you are visiting a client and I am attending a conference. After, what seems, a very long time of small talk, pretending to be just friends, we find the silence. A very dangerous silence: we look into each other's eyes, no words, only breathing, heavy breathing. We restrain ourselves from getting closer, from touching, and we only hear the silence of our heavy breathing, of the contained desire. As the silence grows bigger, the distance between our bodies gets shorter. All the reasons why the desire is contained become absurd and light when I breathe your breath. You know that feeling, right? You are so close, not touching yet, the instant just before the lips touch is so sensual that it ignites the fire inside. As the silence grows, the breathing gets heavier, the desire brings us closer, the distance disappears in my mind. I can feel your lips on my lips, I open my mouth, your tongue finds mine. The breathing is no longer heavy, the kiss is. The kiss is heavy, strong, and soft, all in one. We drink from each other's desire, the reasons are forgotten and discarded. We stop, we look at each other, we smile. We leave the coffee shop or whatever public place we are in, and we go to a hotel room, yours or mine, it really doesn't matter.

Once away from the world, we start the dance again. This time is calmer because the desire is not contained, it flows without exploding and we want to savor it, because we know that it will be the only time that we will let the desire own us. We haven't spoken a word since the kiss in the coffee shop. We sit on the bed and you strip my clothes slowly, kissing every inch of skin that gets uncovered and slowly caressing those places that you remember from a very long time ago, when you learned the secret places on my body.

At this point I am only wearing my lace bra and a skirt over my stockings. My black high-heels are still on my feet. You move your hands up my black stockings, you caress my suspender and I see a sparkle in your eyes when you find my black lace thong. You move it to the side so you can work your way in. You haven't touched me yet, only the fabric of the thong, and I am already wet and ready to do whatever you want.

You smile again when you feel that my cunt is nicely shaved and styled. We stop kissing and you make your way down biting my neck, massaging my breasts, sucking my nipples, kissing my belly. You start licking my cunt, slowly, with expert patience, taking the time to explore it and to hear my moans so you know in which direction you should continue. I am delighted, and hot... I am getting so wet that I beg you to stop. You come back up and kiss my mouth I taste myself, which turns me on even more.

I want to do so many things to you. You are still wearing your clothes, I can feel your muscles under your shirt, I can't wait to rip it off and see how hot you still are, after 20 years. I tear the buttons and take your shirt off, while you are sucking my nipples and caressing my butt, driving me crazy with so much pleasure. Desire has become pure pleasure and I just cannot think of anything else but your cock anywhere in my body. Once the shirt is off, I unbutton your pants and find your hard cock picking out from your black boxers, waiting to be taken care of. I can't wait to have it in my mouth, I lick it slowly and tease you until you hold my head and direct me to suck it. I take it in my mouth and I enjoy the pleasure of giving you pleasure. Your moans tell me that you are appreciating the effort, you are massaging my head and breathing so hard that I get more and more horny just from listening to you. I can't wait to be fucked but I keep sucking your cock until you stop me, and bring my face to your face saying: "I am really enjoying this, but if you don't stop it right now I am going to come in your mouth, and I would like to fuck you first!"

Suddenly, you lift me and sit me on top of a drawer, and I notice that it is the perfect height for you to fuck me standing up. I have my skirt rolled-up to my waist, my stockings and the suspender are still there. You look at the thong that has come back to its place and whisper: "why do I always have to take care of these things?" You move it to the side again, carefully, again only touching the fabric. I remember that you have always thought that it is the sexiest thing to fuck with clothes on. I agree.

You lean on me. I can feel your hard cock close to my cunt. I cannot take this wait anymore. Slowly, you take my hands on your hands and hold them on top of my head. I am surprised, you remember that I like subtle doses of domination. You bring your mouth close to mine, the heavy breathing returns, we stare at each other for a couple of seconds that feel like minutes. We want to stop the time, make it last before we unleash the desire. Your lips are so close to mine, we are breathing in each other's mouth, that sensual feeling again, eyes locked.

I cannot resist it any more, I beg you with my eyes to enter me, to fuck me like the world were ending tomorrow. You come closer, your lips biting my lips, your chest pressed against my breasts, your hips getting closer to mine. I close my eyes and abandon myself to you. Your cock slides in me effortlessly like we had invented this position, like we were specially designed to be interlocked.

We start moving in waves, you are so hard and I am so wet, that I am afraid we will come right away. I slow down, we move calmly staring at each other's eyes, I take your thumb in my mouth and suck it while you are slowly fucking me all the way in. You grin when you realize I am giving your thumb a blow job. You are still holding one of my hands on top of my head. You kiss my neck and I think that I am going to explode of pleasure. I don't know exactly how you do it, but at some point you grab me by the hips, lift me, you are still inside me, and you sit down on the bed. I am now on top and you are facing my breasts. That means that you can suck my nipples while I am riding you. That's it. That is the ultimate pleasure, I am coming! I will take care of you as soon as I am done and you are going to love it. I am enjoying the orgasm while I am thinking of sucking your cock again until you come in my mouth. Or maybe, you can fuck me from behind, my legs crossed, so your cock is tightly pressed by my cunt and you have all the control over me.

At this point, I am so turned on and wet, lying alone on my bed, that I have an orgasm without touching myself, it is so intense that my head starts to hurt from all the blood coming up to my brain while I fantasize about having sex with you. It is a sweet pain: I think of having sex with but without you. I wonder if you do the same. I wonder if we ever do it at the same time, and this is more real than I think.

Well, it's time to go back to my husband and my life. This is the only letter you will receive unless you want to reciprocate. I understand why you have stopped the online chatting. One of us had to end it. We were behaving like schoolchildren. But, can we go back to the sweet pleasure of receiving letters, getting ready to read them and savor them? I would love to write more about my fantasies, and to hear about yours.