Woody's Woody

CHAPTER 1

Elwood Chaplin's maternal grandmother always said Elwood was rather near the end of the line when brains were handed out. That told one something about grandma but perhaps gave an impression of Elwood not altogether accurate.

Woody, as Elwood became dubbed, had ended school at eighteen with no one including Woody believing he ought to go on to college. But for every downside there's an upside, and so it was for him. Through generating an appallingly low school attendance record Woody acquired one of life's great gifts -- a street education.

On days when not at school Woody learned how to break into homes and warehouses; how to recruit clients for prostitutes for commission; how to drive cars and assorted other vehicles and then steal them; how to negotiate with gang leaders to save his neck; how to wear smart clothes (stolen of course) and wear them with style and how to hand any woman a rose, eye her in a certain way, and she'd sit him down and cook him a hot meal.

Jobs were scarce at the time Woody emerged on to the labor market and so he behaved gallantly. He applied for recruitment into the military and was snapped up by the navy when claiming he'd never gotten sea sick and loved killing animals with a rifle and had run with a gang that blew up vehicles, derelict houses and sea protection walls for fun.

Alas, when asked in what capacity he wished to serve, the attention of the recruiting officer wandered when a pair of pretty legs went past and he misheard 'gunner' and wrote plumber. So five years later -- and that was yesterday -- Woody was tossed out of the Navy as a fully qualified plumber. The reasons for his ejection were highly classified. In return for undertaking to keep his mouth shut Eddie was handed a big check and he planned to use that windfall to buy himself a small apartment with two vehicle parks in the basement.

* * *

Wondering whether he would have been tossed out of the Navy if found active in bed with a lieutenant's wife whereas it had been caught active in bed with the wives of the admiral and captain of the carrier he was serving on at the time, Woody checked into a flea-bitten hotel. He complained next morning that fleas had bitten him.

"Just a moment sir. That's the owner checking the safe. I shall report the alleged incident."

The burly owner came over and said, "Have you paid for your room?"

"Yeah, the eyebrow plucking babe at the counter last night said I had to pay in advance."

"Then fuck off. Our fleas only bite scum. And don't you dare walk off with any of our fleas."

Everyone laughed.

"Have a nice day everyone," Woody smiled

The owner grinned and called Woody a geek masturbator.

Waiting for the big guy to return behind the counter Woody said, "And I suppose you enjoy having your way with women?"

"Yeah but I make sure they are without fleas."

The women behind the counter and people lining up for second breakfast laughed.

"Were you aware that woman you fucked last night was your mother?"

The big guy turned purple and attempted to vault the barrier to get at Woody but fell well short, screaming and clutching his balls as he fell to the ground, creating pandemonium.

Woody left whistling and decided that guy ought not to be in business; he was a menace to hotel patrons that he was in business to serve and to protect. He turned into the back street and entered the hotel basement and picked the lock to the boiler room. Woody redlined the gas flow and when he could smell excessive gas left.

Fifteen minutes later he made an anonymous call from a street phone reporting smelling excessive gas when he'd parked his truck in the basement of the Red Sunset Hotel.

"Hold and give me you name and address sir."

"Sorry, got to get my truck out of that building before it blows."

Woody joined onlookers watching the hotel being evacuated. Police and firemen then moved onlookers back and just in time. The boiler room blew, shaking the entire five floors of the flea-house. Watching TV that night, paying a bit more for a room that was guaranteed pest-free, Woody nodded approvingly when the newsreader reported that extensive structure damage meant the building would have to be demolished. He was relieved to hear no one had been injured.

Sucking a beer Woody mused, "I hope the building is uninsured or even grossly under-insured and that the percussion decimated the flea population."

Next morning the 23-year old attempted to open a bank account with the Navy-issued check. The teller looked at the amount on the check and who the issuer was and wide-eyed hit an alarm bell. Within half a minute security guards surrounded Woody. The day manager asked Woody to identify himself.

"I'm Woody."

"Your full name please."

"Elwood Augustus Chaplin."

"That's a funny name."

Scowling Woody asked the manager for his name.

"Herbert Maygrove."

Woody fell about laughing and most of the security guards were unable to keep a straight face.

"ID please," scowled the manager.

Eddie handed him his passport, driver license and navy discharge papers.

"Why are you in possession of a check of this magnitude?"

"I'm not permitted to say. Call navy HQ and check with Admiral Lahore Gurganus's office. Ask for the chief administration officer."

While the manager hurried off to make the call one of the security guys asked, "What did you do in the navy?"

"I was a plumber."

"The navy has gunners, not plumbers."

"Oh yeah. Well dummy, think about it. You are a thousand miles out at sea and the john blocks and sailors still use it and it begins to fill. Do you stand by and gawk and feel the carrier sinking or do you call urgently for a plumber. Who ensures the water reticulates and wastewater is dumped, the showers supply water and it drains off as it's supposed to. And all that rainwater falling on to the ship, what happens if the drains block?"

"Christ," said the guard. "You plumber guys must be high up in status"

"Yeah, I was in line to be made vice-admiral one day but I fouled up."

The guards gathered around Woody.

"One of the officers had it in for me because I wouldn't sleep with him. So when that gunnery officer was commanding a training exercise he prepared to fire a practice missile. I had a CD of an explosion in my portable player so I blasted it out as I walked past and there was near mayhem as he and his trainees scrambled to evacuate, proving there were no heroes amongst them I said in my defense. But I still spent a week in the cooler and had my pay cut."

The guards, now looking at Woody with respect, laughed just as the flushed manager hurried out.

"Mr Chaplin. We are so sorry. We have made a terrible misjudgment and embarrassed you."

"Utterly humiliated me," Woody insisted and the security guys nodded as one.

"Ah yes. Consider your account open and please accompany me to the president's office. We have a plan of how to compensate you."

"Bye boys," Woody waved to the guards who called "Bye Mr Chaplin."

The bank paid $2000 into Woody's account and placed him in a penthouse suite at the 5-star hotel of his choice ('the one with the best swimming pool with the sexiest women and the best bar' was the request) for five nights, room and all reasonable hotel service expenses paid.

After booking into his suite Woody bought a red rose and walked into a real estate agency and gave it to the sexiest looking receptionist.

"I want you to show me apartments."

"I don't show sir; I'm a receptionist."

"Then give that rose to a sexy saleswoman and tell her to show me apartments."

A horse-faced woman came out and returned the rose. "You are rather young to have saved enough money to buy an apartment. You mean rent one don't you?"

"Look here sweetheart, quit this stalling."

"It's called qualifying the buyer."

"Well in that case take a look at this." Woody handed her a bank certificate indicating Woody was good for a deposit of $300,000 and guaranteed a mortgage of up to $1,000,000, more if Mr Chaplin decided to increase the amount of deposit.

"Good heavens. "Jessie! Here please urgently."

A real honey in a tight red dress rushed out. "Yes Mrs Mace?"

"Your client would like to buy an apartment. He has a bank guarantee," said Mrs Mace, handing the young saleswoman the certificate and she boggled.

"Mr Chaplin, this is Miss Chalice. She will attend to you."

"Please come to number two interview behind your sir. I need to fit you."

"I've no time for sex now. I want to see apartments."

Mrs Mace gasped and Jessie blushed. "It is the process of matching the client to properties that fit within his expectations sir."

"Oh, okay. How do I know which is number two interview room?"

"It's the one with the number 2 on the door sir."

"Oh dear, you must think I'm an idiot."

"My opinion about that remains confidential sir."

"Baby, you're good looking with a great body although a little up yourself. Could you humanize and tell me your name and download all your listings on to a wide screen laptop? Then we'll go to work over a drink in a bar. My name is Woody."

"Woody I'm Jessie. Who pays for the drinks?"

"Now you're smoking. Thanks for giving me Jessie Mrs Mace. I think I'll be the right fit for her."

"Oh god," Mrs Mace said, turning puce.

Woody looked into Jessie's eyes.

She whimpered and said she had a great urge to cook for him.

"You can't cook in someone else's bar. Give me a sloppy kiss instead."

"Anything for a commission," Jessie murmured, throwing her arms around Woody and kissing him soundly.

"Cup one of my breasts."

Jessie pulled back and looked confused. "Aren't you supposed to do that to me?"

"Oh am I? Thanks for the invitation," Woody said, grabbing a handful.

"Ohmigod, they didn't teach the intensity of this approach at training school."

"No problem Jessie. How many properties have you sold?"

"None, this is my first week. It takes a couple of months to get going. I'm still feeling my way. There was only limited role playing during training."

"Well Jessie you let my do the feeling and I'll work you to your first sale if you deliver."

"You mean to have sex with you?"

"I mean to produce the apartments that will appeal to me but since you've offered sex I'll obliged to accept."

"Offered?"

"Don't worry about it Jessie. Selling apartments goes something like the mating game. Ignore tedious detail and just go with the flow. Do you like sex Jessie?"

"Well I think the good experiences would barely reach 50% so that means at this stage I remain rather disappointed."

"Well don't be. You sound fairly well experienced."

"I'm not a prude Woody."

"Oh am I glad about that. Well when you want it say the magic words."

"Magic words?"

"Yes, say to me 'How's your woody Woody and prepare to open your legs."

Jessie giggled. "God they never mentioned clients like you at training school."

"I guess they wouldn't. That's the trouble with the service people today and that includes trainers: their ways are not relevant to today's clients."

"That is very profound Woody. Please tell me more."

"I think we ought to be viewing your listed properties that conform to my requirements. But before we do, show me your tits."

"Why?"

"Then I'll not have to think about them while we sort out properties."

"But if I show you them you WILL think about them and little else."

"Ohmigod Jessie. You have real knowledge. I'm going to learn so much about sex from you."

"From me?"

"Yes, and I'll take your advice and not look at your tits until you bare them for them afterwards."

"But I didn't..."

"My tigress, I mean Jessie. Let's look at small apartments central city with parking for my work vehicle and weekend car."

"How small?"

"Large enough to have wall-to-wall sex without hurting ourselves."

"And two bedrooms?"

"Now you're cooking Jessie. What's your advice on that and other amenities?"

They took a rest after viewing on-screen thirty apartments for sale that appeared to fit Woody's requirements.

"That's enough for now. Let's have another drink before we go off and start looking. Oooh, the crotch of your panties is very wet."

Jessie attempted to close her thighs but Woody's fist prevented that. He wriggled a finger, Jessie grabbed him and gave him a big fat slopping kiss but Woody pushed her away and said, "Let's go while you still have energy to generate spiel."

"You are so young to have so much money and you appear to have super knowledge and to be masterful at seduction Woody."

"I'm navy trained baby."

Woody had listed his to five choices of apartments he wanted to view and settled on the fourth one, as it appeared to be the perfect fit.

Jessie was excited.

"Ah, but let's view this apartment owner's right to two parking spaces," Woody said.

The spaces were straight opposite the exit and floor to ceiling storage space had been constructed at the end of one.

"Perfect babe -- where do I sign?"

"Oh back at the office. Oh I'm so delirious. I'm a college dropout but you have given me the impetus to succeed in real estate when my parents said I'd be a failure at that. How can I reward you?"

"You have already rewarded me, finding me the perfect apartment."

"But I feel the need to reward you more."

"Okay baby, spread yourself over the bonnet of this car."

Jessie obliged, hitching up her skirt and baring her boobs.

"You're a natural Jessie. No training school would have taught you that. You'll be a frontrunner in your profession."

"What profession is that?"

Looking at the outline of the perfect peach through the damp panties, Woody said, "Er, I was thinking real estate."

Woody broke into the car without damage, turned on the stereo and the front aerial went up. He removed Jessie's panties and hung them on the aerial to dry.

Jessie was already dry humping, fascinated at Woody salivating just looking at her tits when she spotted the boner he'd pulled out.

"Ohmigod. That's not my fit. Woody you're built for a matron who's had six kids."

"No honey, relax. My woody is hand trained and has the expertise to go practically anywhere. Look, you're not that small," Woody said, watching four fingers disappear.

"Oh god," Jessie wailed. "You've made me come already."

Woody ignored the bitching and within a minute they were at it like two dogs, he holding on to the tits to avoid being bucked across the basement.

When they finished Jessie looked beyond Woody and whimpered.

"What?" Woody leered. "Want to go around the block again already?"

Jessie pointed and Woody turned and saw an elderly couple waiting patiently and appearing relaxed.

"That's our car," intoned the guy.

His lady, leaning forward on her walking stick, said, "I always though sex was disgusting until seeing you two passionately going at it like ballet to the death. Your stroke timing appeared perfect, you used rather than abused each other's body and enjoyment radiated from your faces. It was a star performance."

Thank you ma'am, sir. I'm your new neighbor, Woody Chaplin, a plumber. Perhaps I can perform a complimentary plumbing job for you in a couple of days?"

"Well we both require the assistance of laxatives," smiled the woman.

"No darling, I meant household plumbing. You know, blocked drains and leaking pipes."

"Oh Charles has a leaking pipe but you mean pipes in the bathroom and kitchen?"

"Yes."

"No."

Charles said the bath took a long time to drain.

"Ah, a build-up of hair at the S-bends catching condoms..."

"Not our condoms obviously," sighed his wife. "But our granddaughters and their boyfriends stay with us occasionally."

"Well give me the number of your apartment darling and I'll call at 10:00 tomorrow morning for coffee and muffins and will then look at your bath."

"God, what a delight to have an old-style plumber. These institute-trained ones today appear to be gay and so damn PC. They even bring their own coffee and food. You'll also stay for lunch... please."

"Yes ma'am. That would be an honor."

"Ohmigod, how charming."

Only when Charles drove out of the basement, with Jessie and Woody waving them goodbye, did the young couple see the panties flapping on the car aerial. They held each other up, laughing almost hysterically.

* * *

Next day Woody arrived at the Monk's apartment. A 20-year old babe in a very short nightdress opened the door. Her breasts danced as she pushed back her fringe and said, "Hi, I'm Alice. Gran and Charlie have gone out for the day. Gran said you would prefer me to serve coffee and muffins and hold your tool while you work under the bath."

"You mean my woody?"

"Well that too I suppose. I really meant your wrench. You appear real friendly. Gran has left condoms.

* * *

With a full kit of new tools and driving a new van with sign writing declaring 'Superior Plumbing by Woody' along with his mobile number, Woody no longer had to go door knocking to solicit for business. Being mid-city, many of the apartment buildings were old and riddled with plumbing problems. Pamela (Mrs Mace at Mace Realtors) had retained Woody on a monthly payment to be on call for occupants of all the apartments the agency managed. She also paid him to perform as a difficult client in role play and over time her new recruits including Heather, Beth, Sophie, Diane, Elsie, Priscilla and so on called (separately) at Eddie's apartment for extra tuition, all being determined to reward him.

Jessie, now selling or leasing up to eight apartments a week, remained too busy to talk to Woody but always waved and she rushed by.

One day Pamela spotted the look on Woody's face watching Jessie speed by and her heart melted for the poor guy. In her best-honeyed voice Pamela said, "Woody, could you call around to check my plumbing tonight. Paul is away at a Realtor's convention so perhaps you'd like to come for drinks and dinner as well?"

"Yeah, okay. I'd like to get at those big tits."

"Oh Woody."

CHAPTER 2

Woody and Pamela only had the one fling. Pamela was amazed that Woody knew so much about sex and seemed to know so little about anything else. He hadn't even known about social mores and the adverse reactions of family and friends when finding out about the great social evil called adultery.

"Adultery, what's that?"

They had been about to commit to that very thing and so with heavy heart, feeling it would drive him away from her looming evening of passion, Pamela explained it to him. And then was blown away when he bit her left breast and chortled, "Damn them, who cares?"

So she experienced the most robust fucking of her life and could scarcely walk to the kitchen when she arose from the sofa to heed his call he'd like coffee and something solid to eat. He'd even fucked her on the dining room table; she'd been unaware that was a great place to do it. He'd drawn passion from her she'd not known she'd possessed -- he did all of that, a poorly educated guy, really not much more than a kid. Unbelievable.

It was unbelievable that Woody and Pamela became close friends. The mismatch threw her family; even her husband thought Pamela must be fucking Woody. But gradually the lively lad won them over. Woody had done plumbing work for both of Pamela's married daughters. They knew it was tradition for housewives to be fucked by the plumber and attempted to comply with tradition but were thwarted when Woody wouldn't oblige. The daughters compared notes to find although he'd turned red-faced and appeared ready to shaft them to the hilt, judging by the manner smaller woody was behaving behind Woody's shorts, he'd stood to attention and intoned, "The ship must come before everything else. My friendship to your mother calls for that same pledge."

Pledge? They failed to understand but agreed Woody must be fucking their mom for her to deserve that level of loyalty.