Xmas, First Time I Went All The Way

Susan finally loses her virginity to her boyfriend Andy, on Christmas day.

It was 1988 and I was a 19-year-old college freshman home from school for the Christmas holiday. My boyfriend, Andy, pressured me to have sex with him, before I went off the college that August for classes in September, and I almost did, but I wasn't ready. Even though I wanted to, it didn't feel right and I'd only be doing it for him. Funny, but I think if he was going in the military, if he was going off to war to fight with a chance of not coming home and never returning, I may have had sex with him.

Only, the one thing that loomed over my head more than the lust I felt for him was, what if he made me pregnant? I didn't want to get pregnant. I'd ruin my chance of going to college. I was too young to have the responsibility of a husband and a child. My Mom already made that mistake.

"Don't make the same mistake that I made, Susan," said my Mom, when I was an 18-year-old senior in high school going off to the prom. She gave me the same advice before heading off to college and her words stuck with me.

"I won't, Mom."

"Not that you were a mistake," she said taking my hand in hers. "I was so happy to have you but, once I became pregnant and married your father, that was the end of me going off to college and that was the end of me having a career. After I had you, my life was consumed by you and your father. There was no more time for me and I never got the chance to go anywhere but here and do anything but raise you and care for your Dad."

"Don't worry, Mom. I'm still a virgin and just because I'm going off to college in September, I won't do anything stupid with Andy. The last thing that I want is for him to make me pregnant and ruin my chance at having a better life."

Now that I remember back, I was filled with bittersweet emotions. Afraid to leave my small town, fearing what lay ahead, by the same token, I was afraid of Andy tying me down and keeping me here. I could have played it safe and had Andy impregnate me, get married and have a baby, but I was eager to get away and excited for the adventures that lay ahead of me. Besides, with all that I had to do before leaving for school, never having been away from home, I was preoccupied with packing my stuff and getting ready to go away for four years.

For the first time, since I started dating Andy, my days were more about me than him. For the first time, since I started dating Andy, with all that I had to do, I didn't have time for him. For the first time, I truly understood what my mother meant, when she told me that, after she married my Dad and had me, she no longer had time for herself. It was then that I realized that Andy was smothering me. I was too wrapped up with him and his drama to see that, until now.

The last thing that I wanted holding me back was Andy or any man and a baby, not that I was pregnant and not that I didn't want to have a baby, one day I would, no doubt, but not now and not yet. I was still a virgin, after all. College was my one chance to leave small town life behind and live big city life, even if only for four years.

For the love of a man, I didn't want to be trapped here, as was my mother and her mother before her, when they gave up their chances to go to school and enlighten themselves. The flame of love they had back then, their reason they gave not to go to school and continue with their education, faded and extinguished finally, but education never does. Smoldering to an inferno, engulfing you with curiosity and knowledge, education continues to catch fire.

They sacrificed who they were and what they could have been for the sake of marriage and to have children. Not that getting married and raising a family is a bad thing, but there's more to life than that. In time, once I complete my education, I may be more ready to settle down, but not now. If I returned here later, after I graduated college, I wanted it to be my decision and not my forced fate with Andy getting me pregnant and making me stay. Eventually, I'd end up hating him for doing that to me.

It was a different world now and I was too young for marriage and children. I wanted to live. I wanted to see the world. I wanted to meet other people. The first one in the family going off to college, it was up to me to break the cycle and show my children my accomplishments for them to aim higher.

Still, Andy was always there in the background pressuring me to stay and pressuring me to have intercourse with him. As if that was the only thing he cared about, sex, sometimes he made me feel more like a thing than a woman and a girlfriend. I knew he loved me, but I had enough on my mind without him pressuring me to have sex. Right now, going off to college was more important to me than having him groping and grunting, before cumming inside of me.

"C'mon, Susan, why not? What's the big deal? It's only sex," he said pushing up my short skirt and running his hand up the outside of my thigh, before reaching up and feeling and cupping my ass with his big, strong hand.

Just wanting to get the job done, sometimes he made me more feel like a car he worked on as a mechanic, instead of the woman he loved and desired. In the way that he groped me instead of feeling me, he was as romantic as if he was feeling a car's chassis for a loose connection, instead of feeling my body to make me hot and make me want him. Always revved and raring to go, he never took the time to start my engine. Fortunately, he did all the wrong moves to make me choose college over him. Had he been smoother and took his time with me, I would have melted in his arms and I never would have left this place behind choosing college over him.

Then, when he moved his hand in front of me to cup my pussy, while fingering me through my panty, I couldn't help but feel that he was checking my oil, instead of trying to get me wet. A desperate man, not to be denied his pleasure for the sake of mine, groping wasn't the word, he was mauling me. As if with the turn of a key to start a car engine, he was already hot and overheating, while I was idling, still in park, and not yet ready to go. He thought by getting on top of me, as if he was pushing a stalled car, that he could jump start me. He had no clue.

He started kissing me, really kissing me and, even though he was hurting me, he was getting me hot. Embarrassed to admit it, especially not yet having gone all the way with a man, I guess I liked it a little rough. Then, when he started feeling my breast with his other hand and fingering my nipple, while still fingering my pussy through my panty, I was so wet that I almost relented. His undeniable and relentless passion was unleashing mine.

Even though he was rough, impatient, and not taking no for an answer, he knew everything he needed to do to make me fuck him, but I was staying strong. Going off to college to realize my dream and my destiny was more important to me than a clumsy roll in the backseat of a car with a guy that I'd probably forget about, one day. Even though I was sexually aroused, I was more excited by my future adventures away from here and away from him, than I was in the present moment for me to be caught up and tied down by having a quickie with Andy in the backseat of his car.

We had just come from the movies and saw Rain Man with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman, and I knew Andy was aroused from watching a naked Valeria Golino, playing Susanna, my namesake, on the big screen.

"She's so sexy," he said. "I just love her accent."

He's such a jerk sometimes. Women don't want to know that their boyfriends think other women are sexy. I just wanted to hit him in the balls. Modesty aside and truth be told, I was way prettier and hotter than Valeria Golino could ever be. He was just excited watching her having sex with Tom Cruise, no doubt, while imagining himself having sex like that with her, instead of with me. If he called me Susanna, I was going to sock him in the eye.

As was our usual routine, since we both still lived at home with our parents, we went parking. With nothing else to do after the movies, except to go for an ice cream soda, making out was what we did on a Saturday night in a small town. Then, egged on by his favorite song coming on the radio, Guns N' Roses, Sweet Child of Mine, as if he was Axl Rose and I was a groupie, he was a madman of lustful desire.

Guys are so dumb. They know so very little about woman. Had he taken me to see Working Girl with Harrison Ford, Melanie Griffith, and Sigourney Weaver or The Accidental Tourist with William Hurt, Geena Davis, and Kathleen Turner, instead of Rain Man, a compromise, since he wanted to see Die Hard with Bruce Willis, yuck, I may have been more in the mood for romance and more receptive to his moves. Had I seen the movie that I wanted to see, with romance fresh on my mind, I may have relented. I may have given in, had sex with him, and gone all the way. Never meant to be, I guess, with him helping me to make my decision, I should consider myself lucky.

Fortunately for me, he didn't take me to the movie that I wanted to see or I'd be living life just like my Mom, no doubt, raising kids, instead of going off to college. The real turn off was him skipping by Tracy Chapman's Fast Car to blast Guns N' Roses' Sweet Child of Mine. Even Christmas music would have put me more in the mood to have sex with him, especially Nat King Cole's Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire. I just love that song. Only, at the time, Christmas was still four months away. Guns N' Roses, especially after hearing it for the thousandth time, just gave me a headache.

Every time he pulled up to my house to pick me up, he'd have Guns N' Roses blasting. I've grown to hate that band and that song, he played it so many times. Even now, years later, I can't listen to it without thinking about him constantly blasting that song. It makes my skin crawl to hear Axl Rose screaming.

"No, Andy, stop. Even if I wanted to have sex with you, I wouldn't want my first time to be in the backseat of your car, while having to suffer through Guns N' Roses," I said looking at all the filth back there with Burger King trash and God only knows what else. "It smells back here. Don't you ever clean this car? There's grease all over the seat. Eww."

"Oh, sorry, I had to pick up some parts from the junkyard," he said with a chuckle.

"Gross. Now, I have grease on my leg and on my hand."

"It's not that bad, Susan," he said wiping the grease from my hand and leg with a greasy rag he picked up off the floor. Then, as if picking up the mess in his bachelor's pad, he picked up some of his Burger King trash and chucked it out the car window. "C'mon, Susan, don't be like that. I want to know what it's like to go all the way with you. Please? I'll wash your car for a month. I'll walk your dog every day for a week. I'll wash your car and walk your dog."

"No, Andy, stop," I said pushing his hands away from my panty and my tits. "It's too hot in here."

It was a steamy day in early August and with him already fingering me, I was getting as hot inside as the temperature was outside. Suddenly, with him pushing my buttons, morphing from a teenage girl, as if becoming a woman overnight, I could feel the change in my body and I wanted him in the way that I had never wanted him before. Fortunately, the reality of my actions overruled my lust and I just couldn't go through with it. Not now and not yet and I was so glad I resisted the urge to just fuck him. Totally screwing things up, I knew having sex with him now would be a big mistake and something that I'd regret for the rest of my life, especially if I was to get pregnant.

Living in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business, I wasn't on the pill. He could really mess up my life right now, if I gave in to a moment of passion. I'd be paying for that few minutes of clumsy pleasure for the next forty years of my life. Too high a price to pay, I wanted more and was willing to work for it and wait for it.

"Susan, just relax," he said kissing me and trying to put his hand down my panties, again.

"Andy! Stop! No!" I pushed him away again and fluffed down my skirt.

"Gees, Susan. I'm so frigging horny. It's frustrating making out with you," he said sitting up with a scowl on his face.

Too bad. He's such a big baby. A typical guy. Frustrating for him? What about me? Doesn't he think I have feelings, too? Doesn't he think that I'd like to have him make love to me, as much as he wants to fuck me? He wants to do me, just so that he can brag to all his friends at the gas station that he had me in the backseat of his car, while playing Guns N' Roses? His dream was not my chosen memory of the first time going all the way.

Just because I'm the one who can get pregnant and pay a lifetime for his 3 minutes of fun, why must I be the keeper of the gate and the protector of who enters my domain? I was horny, too. Only, one of us has to think with our head, instead of with our sexual organ. One of us has to stay strong, so that we don't make a mistake that will change our lives forever.

I remember, even though he washed really well, his hands were always darker, as if he had been working in a coal mine and his fingernails were always caked with grease. It grossed me out to have him stick those grease stained fingers inside of me, as if I as a carburetor and he was adjusting my butterfly valves. No matter what he did, he could never get his fingernails clean and, if only for that reason, I didn't think that I could be with someone like that, a regular grease monkey, for the rest of my life. Even though I loved Andy, I wanted better. I wanted more.

"What if I give you a blowjob, instead, Andy? Would you like me to suck your cock?" I unzipped him, pulled out his cock, and stroking him, while looking up at him.

Even his cock smelled a little like gasoline and motor oil. I swear, if I struck a match, he'd explode in flames. It was a good thing I didn't smoke. To be honest, sometimes dreaming that I was a gas pump, I didn't think that I could take a lifetime of having sex with Andy, the automobile mechanic.

"You'll never hear me say no to a blowjob, Susan. I love your blowjobs. Can I cum in your mouth?"

What is it with guys? Never satisfied and always wanting more, I don't get it. What's the big deal with cumming off in my mouth or not? I was a spitter back then and I checked my pocket for a tissue because, just as I didn't want to swallow him, I didn't want to spit his cum in that grease stained rag.

Always pulling out before hand, he had never fully ejaculated in my mouth and, as I imagined this time with him, possibly my farewell, I was thinking about allowing him to do just that, so long as I didn't have to swallow him, anything to stop him from trying to fuck me. Only, I couldn't help imagining his cum tasting like Mobil 1 motor oil. A time when customers never pumped their own gas, seeping in his skin, he always had a faint odor of gasoline.

"Maybe," I said giving him a sexy look.

I had college on my mind. This, my last date with Andy, I would have said anything at that point to get this over with and have him take me home, so that I could finish packing for my trip to the big city. With the front bucket seat moved all the way forward, I got between his legs and started blowing him. Once I really started sucking his cock, while stroking him, it didn't take long for him to cum in my mouth and I spit all that he had in a spent Burger King napkin that I found on the floor and that now had cum, along with ketchup, mustard, and relish stains. Still holding his pickle in my hand, as if it was a hot dog in a bun, having it all his way, finally, he was sated enough for us to go home.

Figuring I'd get a prescription to birth control pills in the city, where no one knew me, I knew, once I went away to college that I'd meet someone else and breakup with Andy. With all the sorority, keg parties, dorm hanky-panky, football rallies, and late night cramming, I knew it was only a matter of time, before I'd be having sex regularly with a fuck buddy.

Then, once away at school, having done a lot of soul searching, feeling my mind already opened with all that I was learning in college, I did a lot of growing up in just a short, few months. As I knew I would, I was ready to experience intercourse now, that is, so long as it was protected sex. There was just no way that I wanted to get pregnant and prematurely cut my education short.

Only, even though I knew our relationship would never survive me being away for four long years at college, with me growing away from him and him staying at the same intellectual level and not growing with me, I still wanted Andy to be my first. Weird, but I was loyal to him in that regard. I somehow figured that I owed him that much. I wanted him to break my cherry.

Call it a matter of respect, a matter of friendship, but I owed Andy the memory of our first time together, too. Just as I needed that memory of him to hold onto later in life, whenever I thought about the inevitable of how different my life would have been had I married Andy, instead of going off to college and invariably finding someone else, I wanted him to have that memory of me, too. It was only natural to do it with him first, as we had been friends since the first grade. Moreover, I needed to know if I was making the right decision by leaving Andy to start my own life and leaving this small town behind.

Even though I'd fuck him and forget him, just as I knew he had been cheating on me with a couple of the town sluts, I knew he'd get over me, eventually, one day, probably, as soon as I left, no doubt. The local women that came into the gas station, both young and old, single and married, were always hitting on Andy. Personable, outgoing, and as quick with a joke, as he was with a smile, he had a way of putting women at ease enough to let their guard down. With his cherub like blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, he was a cute guy and women were always making passes at him. If he wasn't so naive, I'd be jealous. Most times he didn't even know women were trying to get in his pants, but they were. He thought they were tipping him for the service he gave them and had no idea they tipped him for the service they hoped he'd give them.

I wasn't so bad looking myself. I was tall. At 5'9", I towered over most of the girls in school, especially when I wore my heels and my hair up. A lot of the girls in town were jealous of me because of my natural blonde hair and my shapely body from doing swimming, dancing, ice skating, and gymnastics. A bit of a Tomboy, I loved any type of competitive sport.

No one knew me better than Andy. At the time, we loved one another. At least, we thought we did. Only, after being away from him again, filled with fond memories of all our times together, I loved him in the way a sister would love her brother. A sister wouldn't have sex with her brother, of course, but it was something else we both needed to experience, as part of our rite of passage. Having grown up with him, being friends before being lovers, he was the only man I've ever known and every blown.

Andy worked at the gas station fixing cars, a job he's held, since he was a junior in high school. While I was away at school, I didn't know that he was busy taking courses being certified in all the new automotive computer based technologies. He was always good a fixing things and he had a talent with cars, as if he was the car whisperer. He could just hear a noise and know what was wrong with it. Weird. A passion for cars, he had a special talent, and was in touch with machines, as he was with his customers. Now that he had a few years of specialized training behind him, he was an even better mechanic.

I was an 18-year-old senior in high school, still a virgin, when all the girls around me, even that weird, fat, Stephanie, the one with all the zits, who I hated, went all the way, after her senior prom. Feeling pressured by my peers and, of course, by Andy, that Christmas after I left for school, I decided to allow Andy to make love to me. Because I was still a virgin, probably the only one left in town, I was beginning to feel like the frigid bitch that many of the guys thought that I was.