You Can't Throw Everything Away Ch. 01

"For the more than ten years, you've heard me tell you I love you," he said, looking across the table at his wife. "Why are you acting this way?"

"You're assuming I believe everything you tell me," she answered back, a strange, faraway look in her eyes bringing yesterday's 'The View' into her mind.

"Thank you very much. What's wrong with me?" he asked, incredulously. "I don't believe this. I haven't done anything."

"Nothing's wrong with you; I mean, you look great for your... I just know what they said. I know you've done it or at least, thought about it."

"For your age, you were going to say. We're the same age, for God's sake." He was sick of her attitude. "How I look is all that matters? Nothing about what's in my heart? In my soul? What we've done together? And, who said, what?

"What about Eileen?" she accused.

"What about Eileen? She's my secretary, you know that. What the hell..."

"I'm sorry. I just don't believe you. I just know you did it. Oprah's guest..." She regretted what she had said in the emotion of the moment. Why she did, she didn't know... she just knew it was true.

"I'm sure you get lots of sympathy from your friends about that, you all watching the show together," he said, sullenly. His stomach turned sour; his dinner started to rebel against his chest and he could feel his heart beat so fast he thought he was going to die.

"I don't tell my friends that, I'm telling you." Even she didn't believe it.

"And, why now? Why wait until now? It's been ten years... first, I'm cheating and then, I don't get you off fast enough?"

It had started simply enough. She was hard to buy gifts for. She was impossible to buy gifts for. She didn't like flowers, saying her father always brought them home when he did something wrong.

Jewelry, that was always a closed subject, too, but tonight was supposed to be special. A dinner out, a pair of diamond earrings, things that would be expected, almost, for a tenth wedding anniversary and then, the feigned "I'm not in the mood, tonight, besides, you satisfy me in other ways, just not... besides," she said, "I know."

Even as she said it, she knew it was a mistake. His whole demeanor changed with each added word.

His shoulders slumped, his back bent with the weight of the world defeating him one last time. "What a great liar," he thought, "what a great liar she has been, all these years." Like his ego, his respect for her disappeared.

Why it would be such a surprise to her that he packed that night and left was beyond him. She had crushed him with just ten little words and something sacred finally broke in his heart. He put the shattered pieces of his life into his grandfather's old Army duffel bag along with some clothes and walked down the stairs and out into the cold night.

"I'm not saying stuff to hurt you. Please, come back... you've become too sensitive... God, this is SO embarrassing... we can work something out that will work for both of us. Oprah says..."

She ran behind him, asking him to stop, to come back... begging him to come back... screaming at him to come back.

He kept walking, so totally destroyed... the idea of taking the car never occurred to him even as he stepped off the curb and was nearly hit by a FedEx truck coming down the off-ramp. He barely acknowledged the loud blast of the truck's horn and kept walking until he realized he had no idea where he was.

Ahead, there was a Denny's and then, the freeway. He walked in, by now dragging the duffel behind him, the heavy canvas making a scraping noise on the floor.

"Coffee, please," he said as the disinterested waitress left a menu on the table. Deep within, he knew he had to eat, even if he had no hunger. His dinner had lain untouched. He ordered the Grand Slam and slathered syrup over the pancakes.

He checked his cell phone. It was off. He pushed it 'on,' but it refused to light up. Without any enthusiasm, he paid the bill, went into the men's room, washed his hands and face and tossed the phone into the trashcan. With no way to recharge it, it was useless. Besides, he thought, who was he going to call, anyway? She had been his whole life and that life was dying, quickly, horribly, sadly. Next, she'd be quoting Maury Povich or something...

He shouldered the bag, walked across the parking lot and headed down the street toward the highway. It was either very, very late or very, very early. Either way, he was on his own for the first time since he married her.

To discover the last ten years were a farce was too much. His reverie was broken by the loud call of a truck horn.

"Hey, buddy, you looking for a ride? I saw you at Denny's. Where you going?"

"No where... any where... thanks."

"I'm heading to Indianapolis."

"Works for me, thanks. By the way, my name's Bill."

"Pete. Throw your stuff back there. Good thing there's no traffic."

Not much was said until they headed out of Riverside and up the grade toward Cajon Pass and Barstow.

"So, ever ride across the country in a big-rig?"

"No, actually, never had too much of a chance to do much, at all. Been bustin' my ass for the last ten for nothing, evidently."

Pete was silent, paying attention to the morning traffic that was starting to build. A long line of trucks were crawling up Cajon and they fell into line with the rest of them, each holding a set spacing.

Off to the side, the bright yellow Union Pacific diesels were doing their own long dragging up toward the summit.

"Used to be 66..."

"What?"

"I said, this used to be old 66, that's all." Pete turned up the radio, seeking to bring an end to the uncomfortable silence.

"What did you think ...

I would say at this moment...

When I'm faced with the knowledge ...

That you just don't love me...

Did you think I would curse you...

Or say things to hurt you...

'cause you just don't love me no more"

"I'm sorry, it's just that I've got a lot on my mind."

"It's your wife, isn't it?"

"Yeah, how'd you know?"

"Your ring and your look..."

Bill looked down at his ring, and with a mix of anger and sadness twisted it off and threw it out the window onto the hot asphalt. For the first time since dinner, he felt a smile forming on his face.

"What are you hauling?"

"Whoa! He talks! Furniture. Some poor bastard's moving his family from LA to Indy. He lost his job and figured things would be better there. God, I bet it's a bitch of a mistake."

"Well, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Maybe, sometimes it's just better to throw out the old and look for something new. I don't know. Maybe, it'll work out all right." Bill looked out the window at the passing scenery, amazed at how much was out there that he had never seen.

"She told me I cheated."

"She told you she cheated?"

"No, she told me I, me, cheated."

"How the hell..."

"Goddamned Oprah put a bunch of shit into her head. Some book came out saying all men cheat and here I am."

"Sorry, man. That's just crazy. What are you going to do about it, besides taking off?"

"I don't know; I just needed to get away for a while. The lack of respect for me, throwing me in with... ah, fuck it."

Pete looked at Bill. "If I was going to Salt Lake, we'd stop at Baker for lunch. Everybody stops at Bun Boy sooner or later. We'll stop at Winslow tonight. You ever drive a truck?"

"No... I mean, nothing like this."

"Well, later, maybe I'll give you a turn, I need some sleep."

"Won't you get in trouble?"

"It's my rig... it's not that hard, just don't change lanes and stay a steady speed... and, don't hit anything. Don't worry about it."

McDonald's was crowded but they were served soon enough. After lunch, Bill was seated behind the wheel and Pete took him through the gears.

"When we get to Needles, wake me up. Just stay at 55 and don't attract attention."

Bill used the time to wonder what had happened to his life. How could his wife destroy him so easily? Did she always think that way about him? It was all a lie, wasn't it, their marriage? It must have been, if he could leave so easily.

Deep in his subconscious, he must have known she didn't respect him. Telling him she knew he was cheating... after all, it was on 'Oprah' and 'The View', right there in the new book of the month. There was something lacking, on his part, on her part... what difference did it really make? It was over, otherwise, what was he doing in a truck heading east across the desert?

The miles across the Mojave rolled by as he kept the truck straight and constant. Most of the other trucks passed him, especially when he slowed down to take a better look at something in the desert. All the years he lived in California and he never had the chance to cross the desert. What kind of life was that? Even his parents never went anywhere.

The state line and Needles were rapidly approaching.

He nudged the sleeping man. "Hey, uh, Pete..."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, thanks. Signal, slow down and pull over."

"You'll have to show..."

"Just work the gears back down like I showed you."

As soon as they passed into Arizona, he again questioned what he was doing. It was insane, Bill thought, totally insane. And, yet, he wondered, was it any crazier than what his life had turned out to be? How could she do that to him? She might as well have taken a rusty, dull knife and cut it off.

*****

"What do you mean, he just left? How could he do that?"

"I'm a woman and I don't believe in being weak so I... He just up and left and hasn't called or anything." So much for being a woman, she thought. "What am I going to do, now?"

"I'll be over. Just wait, don't do anything."

It took almost a half hour before Jeanette knocked on the door. When JoAnne finally opened the door, Jeanette saw her friend was a physical and emotional disaster. They stood on the porch, looking down the road that Bill had taken just hours earlier.

"What did that bastard do? Didn't he say anything? This is so unlike him; I thought he worshipped the ground you walked on?"

The only thing all those questions accomplished was to make JoAnne burst into another round of tears. Jeanette took her friend by the arm and led her back into the house.

"Wasn't yesterday your anniversary? How could he do that to you on your anniversary?"

"It wasn't like that." JoAnne showed her the diamond earrings.

"Oh, my God, they're beautiful. I don't get it; what happened?"

"I... I told him..." She started to cry, again.

"What did you tell him? JoAnne, what did you do?"

"I was... I don't know... maybe, I was tired, I told him he wasn't doing it for me. Oprah said that we should tell the men that. I told him I knew he cheated, it was all in the book. I..."

"YOU WHAT?!!! Oh, Jesus, no wonder he took off. Where did he go?"

"I don't know. I called his cell but he doesn't answer. I called his parents and they haven't heard from him, either. They didn't even know anything was wrong. I didn't even know anything was wrong until I opened..."

"What did you tell them?"

"Just that I needed to talk to him but his cell wasn't working."

**********

They stopped at Flagstaff for diesel and continued east, finally spending the night in Winslow. Bill was amazed at the tall trees, wondering how he could have spent his entire life in Los Angeles and never seen anything past the basin and then he saw the vast flatness near Meteor Crater. The shattered limestone faded away into the distance like his love for his wife. He knew he was going to cry if he didn't think of something else.

He was going to pay for the room but Pete said it was included in the cost of the furniture move. "I hope you're an early riser. I want to get out of here as soon as possible before the road heats up."

"Thanks."

"You got any plans? I mean, I'm going to Indy and then, somewhere from there but you can jump off any time you want. There's not much between here and there unless you like living in the Southwest or the Midwest. After LA, everywhere else seems to just pale. Must be the weather... even Indy isn't that great but it beats the hell out of Albuquerque."

The next morning, after another quick stop at McDonalds, they were well on their way toward the rising sun on the 40. Bill was starting to get sick of fast food and missed his restaurants.

"I like the 70 better, across Colorado. The mountains are much prettier. You put much thinking to what I talked about last night?"

"I don't have a clue. What would you do if your wife told you that you just didn't do... probably never did it for her? that you've been cheating just because Oprah said so?"

"That's cold. Wow... sorry, man. I don't know. I don't know if taking off like this is the right answer, though. She have any idea where you're at?"

"Not any more than I do, so I'd say, 'no'. Let her guess. I don't care." He stared out the window at the cows he had smelled a mile earlier.

"No chance of fixing it? I mean, you know, working it out? She hasn't cheated on you, has she?"

"Hell, I don't know. What difference does it make, anyway? Whether she did for real, she probably was wishing she had all along. At least, I didn't have to walk in on her with some guy... all this, from a God damned TV show and some stupid-ass man-hating book."

The thought of his wife with another man didn't make him angry, it just made him sad and he wondered how long it would be before she invited a lover into the house... that is, if she hadn't done it already all these years.

**********

Jeanette spent the night with her friend and was fixing breakfast the next morning. "So, honey, what do you want to do? I think you've really... you haven't cheated on him, have you?" There was just enough hesitation that Jeanette was uncomfortable. "Shit, you did, didn't you?"

"No, I thought about it, oh, God, how I've thought about it..." Both hands went to cover her face as the tears flowed. "I'm so ashamed."

"Why?" JoAnne was surprised at her friend's seeming lack of prejudice.

"Because... because I cheated on Bill, at least in my heart. I should have never married him, I was just fooling myself and I've ruined his life as well as mine. It was all in the book... I got it from the library. It was all in there. It said he was and I told him."

"Are you sure it's not just a... you know?"

"What difference does it make, now? He's gone, isn't he? God only knows when... if... he'll be back."

"Honey, I don't know but we'll work through this, together. Now, tell me what's really the problem with him..."

"I told you, it's all in the book." She went into the den. "Here," she said, giving "Your Man Is Cheating" to her friend.

"Oh, God," is all Jeanette could say.

***********

Across from the Motel 6 in Amarillo was a huge, painted sign pointing to Disneyland far to the west. The absurdity of it all made Bill laugh. Mickey had a long reach.

"C'mon, we've got to get going. I want to be near Little Rock sometime tonight. That's about usual for me. Ready to go see America?"

"You bet." Bill put on his new baseball cap and swung up into the cab. For a moment, just a moment, he wondered what his wife was doing and then realized that he no longer cared. It was strange, he thought, how quickly love turned to indifference. The opposite of love wasn't hate; it was 'who cares?'

They crossed the River the next morning into Memphis, stopped for lunch in Nashville and then took the 65 north toward Indy. They passed the Corvette Museum and the caves and even though he wanted to stop, he realized that it would have to wait for another time.

The two men met with three others hired to help unload the truck. There wasn't much, it seemed, once the family's bedroom furniture and books were unloaded. All that remained were the rocks they had collected over the years from across the country.

"Rocks! Amazing!"

"I think it was his last hold on what his life had been. Sometimes, you can't throw everything away."

The red-eye from Indy to LAX landed just before midnight and he took a cab back to the house. Slipping his key into the door, he quietly opened it, put the ancient duffel down by the couch and went back to sleep.

Jeanette woke him up.

"Bill... what are... when did you get back?"

"Last night, this morning, I don't know. What are you doing here?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing. She's a wreck. How could you just leave, like that?"

"Didn't she tell you? How could I stay? I still had some pride left... not much, I'm afraid; I came back, but still..."

"Why did you come back?"

"Sometimes, you just can't throw everything away. What time is it?"

"A little after seven; you want some coffee? C'mon, I'll fix you some, you look like hell."

"What'd she tell you?"

"That was in confid..."

"I was there, remember? What can you tell me that I don't already know?"

"That you've been cheating on her. You don't do it for her, she said. It's all in the book. She's sorry; you have no idea how sorry she is."

"Great. So, she's sorry she said it. Doesn't make it untrue, how she feels. I just don't get it, though. Ten years, well, actually eleven and now she says something. If there was... is a problem, why didn't she say something and we could have done something about it. Cheating on her? That's insane. Stupid Goddamn book..."

"What are your plans? Are you going to stay?"

"I don't know, yet, other than I've got to wash my clothes and take a look around... see if I still have a job."

"You're back." JoAnne had walked into the kitchen so quietly that he had not heard her approach. He cringed, wondering if she was going to slap him or what.

"Where'd you go, Bill? You had me worried sick."

"Don't lie, Joannie, don't lie. After what you said, I don't know why you'd worry about me one way or the other."

"Let's step back a minute," said Jeanette, not wanting the situation to escalate. "Bill's back. Sit down, JoAnne and have some coffee."

Bill's wife slumped into the remaining chair and rested her head on her arms. She listlessly stirred in some sugar and stared at the coffee swirling around in the cup. "Bill..."

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me, too." Yes, he thought to himself, he was sorry... sorry for losing the last ten years of his life to a woman who had such a low opinion of him. Maybe, he considered, she had a low opinion of him in more ways than one and he was just a necessary paycheck. Why she didn't look for something better along the way was beyond him. Maybe, she had and he just didn't know it. What the hell was in that damned book, anyway?

Jeanette poked around the refrigerator and brought out some fresh fruit and Danish. "Here..." she said, sliding the two dishes into the middle of the table.

Bill took a Danish, feeding his hunger for the first time since boarding the plane in Indianapolis. He ate a second one, cherry this time.

"You want a divorce?" he asked, reaching for a third.

"What? I... I don't know. You?"

"I'm not sure. There's a lot to be considered besides just sex. I told you the other night, I never cheated but, no, you wouldn't believe me." He stopped chewing. "There's the house and the money in the bank and the cars."

"That's all? What about..."

"You tell me. I think you told me enough the other night. How could you not say something all this time and fool me like you did?"

She stared at the coffee cup and then took a pastry. "I wasn't trying to fool you. I mean, you're mostly all right in bed, just not all the time... and, everywhere I turn, the TV, the magazines, Oprah... they're all telling me there's more than just half the time. And, sometimes, you just take too long... and, always wanting to kiss me there... sometimes, I just wasn't in the mood for it. The book said that it was because you cheated... all men cheat."

Jeanette felt like a voyeur staring through a bedroom window but she could see no way to just get up and leave the table without stopping the conversation.