A Proposed New Rating System

I grew up with the 1 through 10 rating scale for rating the "sex appeal" of the female sex. I watched Dudley Moore and Bo Derek in "10" at least twice in my formative years.

"10" is fine to describe the absolute stunner of a woman. "1," I suppose, while rather mean spirited, is fine for the absolutely unattractive. But the problem with the 1 through 10 rating scale is that it is unwieldy (overly broad) and only rates a woman for her physical beauty. I don't believe the scale truly addresses a woman's true sexual appeal.

So, I have devised a scale that is small, simple, takes into account multiple factors and covers 99.9 percent of women - and possibly men - on the planet.

The scale consists of three numbers and two sets of letters. Here I will attempt to make the scale unisexual, applying to both women and men, but I have to confess I really haven't researched the use of the scale for men. Women and gay guys, that's your job: Theoretical Field Testing. Let me know how it works for men.

~~~~~~~~~~

One.

A One is a "cheerleader." A "cheerleader" in this context is a woman (or man) who may be a real looker, say a 6 or above on the old scale, but who lacks sex appeal. ("Sex appeal" here being arbitrarily defined as being found sexually desirable, i.e., they make you horny or make you want to throw them down and jump their bones right then and there or make you hurt from desire or, for you romantics out there, make you fall in love "at first sight." In a more succinct and less crude way, as someone else has written, sex appeal is the quality of evoking yearning.)

How can a beautiful woman/handsome man lack sex appeal?

Easy.

They may be "into" themselves and clueless about anyone and anything that does not orbit around them in their own private universe. In high school we used to call this condition being "stuck up."

They may not have much of an intellect, which admittedly, is only a negative if you value basic intelligence as part of sex appeal. For me, the largest sex organ in the body is the brain. If that brain is empty well...

My argument here is this: If they don't know a lot about carnal matters and life in general they may not have an appreciation or a desire for the finer points of pleasure.

Oh sure, there's a woman in your office or a girl at college who may look hot and get absolutely shit faced drunk every weekend. She may experiment with drugs, may run with a seemingly "wild" crowd. She may even "sleep around, be "the easy girl."

But at the mention of a blow job, cunnilingus, BDSM, a threesome or something as esoteric as the pleasure of a strawberry dipped in chocolate with a flute of champagne, they screw up their face and with the utmost disdain they can muster, they go "Ewwwwwwwww."

This is not sexy. Nor is it appealing. Sorry.

Or, they may be to "into" something else, like a "cause" or their career or their religion and though looking good, like their mentally challenged counterparts, they too may say "Ewwwwwwwwww," when it comes to those finer pleasures. They're "to intelligent" in an abstract and annoying sort of way.

Off the top of my head I can't think of any public personas that are One's. But check out your local TV news team, One's seem to multiply there.

Two.

A Two is an "exotic." An "exotic" may be a looker or may be a plain Jane or Jim.

At first you don't know an "exotic."

You see them from across a room, across a parking lot or in a store, bar, etc. And there's just something about the person that IMMEDIATELY makes you wonder.

"Do they sleep in leather underwear?"

"Do they scream or do they like to moan, softly, urgently?"

"What does that unbelievably soft skin in that small triangle between and along the bottom of her breasts and the top of her belly feel like, smell like and does she yearn to be touched there?"

"Does she like sweat?"

The woman in the grocery store, in her mid 40's, no makeup and a hairdo dying for an Oprah makeover and wearing a respectable, "go to the grocery store" shirt and khaki shorts.

No visible tattoos; a simple gold band on her ring finger.

But she's wearing a very fine gold ankle bracelet accenting an elegant, graceful ankle.

Then you notice she's not wearing a bra and her smallish, loose breasts sway gently as she moves.

Not ostentatiously, not gaudy or gawky but gently, sensually, barely noticeable if you hadn't already noticed.

And then you notice the nipples - the large erect nipples poking against the loose fabric of her shirt and she's not even on the freezer aisle!

Then you notice further that when she stoops to get something off a lower shelf a) she's wearing a thong under those Gap khaki shorts and b) as the hem of her top raises and the waistband of her shorts pulls down slightly you notice a fine gold belly chain and a small, elegant tattoo across the small of her back.

This fair lady is probably someone's Three. But at this moment in time, in the canned vegetable aisle, as she smiles at me as she passes me, she is the living embodiment of a Two. Dear God in Heaven!

This friends is precisely why I insist on doing the grocery shopping in my family.

But I digress.

A Two can be anyone from the housewife in the grocery store, to the stereotypical "librarian" to Angelina Jolie or Kim Cattral and all points - all shapes, sizes and colors - in between.

Once you get to know a Two then they can stay a Two, be demoted to a One, become an "NP" (to be discussed later) or be promoted to a Three.

Three.

A Three is a "Total Woman/Man." A "Total Woman/Man" has got it all: intelligence, humor, joy, love, a hearty appetite for pleasure in all its many and varied forms but especially sexually.

They may be devastatingly attractive or brutally plain but it's the exceptionalness of their personality (Remember the brain) that marks them and draws you to them like a stoned, suicidal moth to a flame. (Of course, men or women who have serious co-dependency "issues" can produce the "moth to flame effect" so beware.)

The essential difference between a Two and a Three?

A Two is a mistress, a fuck buddy, and a "mate," in the Aussie/British sense - a pal.

A Three is a wife, a soul mate, a best friend and a lover - an exceptional lover (she doesn't have to necessarily be technically good-in-bed but someone who loves *you* in spite of yourself). (Those people aren't easy to come by these days, you know.)

You'd take a Three home to meet the folks.

You'd make sure the folks never got wind of, let alone MET, a Two.

NP.

An NP is a "Nice Person." Maybe you know someone who doesn't make your belly twitch and your flesh rise but they're nice. They're "good people" just not sexual.

Everyone's sister and mother, unless they're really, really kinky, is an NP. Aunts and cousins, ummmm, depends on the relationships.

You wouldn't want to casually be talking about sex with your buddies and tell your best bud that you think his sister or his wife or his mother is a Two.

Once you've crossed that threshold, my friend, you're kind of trapped, like a deer in the headlights, like a man asked by his wife, "Do you think these jeans make me look fat?"

There is no graceful exit here. You are naked in a minefield.

In certain parts of the country gunplay would ensue followed by a live report from a hot looking but One'ish local TV reporter.

NR.

An NR is "Not Rated." An NR doesn't really "float your boat," as it were. And you don't really know them. There's no definitive Two vibe going down. You don't know if they're an NP - though you could be graceful and grant them the benefit of the doubt.

There you have it.

Try it out. Do some field-testing. Does it work for men? To simple? To shallow? To sexist?

My wife, the mother of my four sons, is 5'7" with small, loose breasts from breast-feeding them all and a bit of a belly. But she is, and always will be, a Three.

Angelina Jolie, Kim Cattral, Sharon Stone - all penultimate Two's - until I get to know them personally.

And a young woman I know with a sparkling smile, hair that you'd want to bury your nose in and breath forever, perfect breasts, a flat belly and legs up to here...

A young woman whose idea of a great time is to get stoned...

Who likes lots of missionary sex with her friends...

But who doesn't know whether the U.S. has 50 states or 52 and thinks New Mexico is a break away country from Old Mexico...

Who is completely and totally grossed out by oral sex and anal sex and thinks that a strawberry in chocolate is just stupid...

Sadly, she is a One.

Comments, suggestions, questions, complaints - click the feedback link and let me know.

Go forth and test!

"The giving and receiving of pleasure is both a need and an ecstasy." - Gibran