- Non-Erotic Poetry
- Paradigma
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Click hereWe're anthill people bound by byte and screen.
Breathing bromine, snorting caffeine.
Procrastinate sedated sleeping souls,
with deus ex machina ad obscene.
Through Turing scripts we're playing given roles,
with too profound belief in our consoles.
We're never given reasons to enhance,
preoccupied with matching pegs to holes.
With everyone addicted to advance,
if given, would you hold on to the chance,
that moment between will-be and has-been,
to spit it out, and disconnect, and d a n c e ?
- COMMENTS
Linbidoover 20 years agoAuthorNo worries Senna, you are entitled to whatever opinion you have. If I didn't want honest feedback, I'd turn off that option.
(ps. I wish I could choose not to rate in those posts, but I stamp on a neutral 3 then...)
Senna Jawaover 20 years agoIcingsugar,
On one hand the simplicity and even a naive voice can be noble artistic means. That's not the case here. On the other hand a text can be simply primitive and crude, and naive only in the sense of telling us naive, trite (and unmotivated) ideas like this chance-dance in the given case, just out of blue, without anything harmonious to it.
(I am talking just about a publicly posted text. Just that and nothing more and nothing else. So, the regulars of the poetry discussion board, if you can help it, try to avoid any personal attacks).
perksover 20 years agoI was a little lost in your puter references, but I knew what they were... and then you ask a question would you give it up to dance? Heh, I liked that part. I don't think your rhyme was forced. However, I don't love it, because well, I'm not a puter geek, but I did send it to some of my puter friends who Looooooooved it! Nice use of form.
Icingsugarover 20 years ago...is a liquid substance that is (was?) used to make computer screens and TV's flameproof. Toxic as hell, gives you cancer.
Anyway...
this is technically and lingustically impressive but too caught up in the rubiyat to bloom. I like the "dance" though, exactly for the reasons that Senna dislikes it. The childish, naive simplicity is a cool contrast to the technocratic lines before it.
Rybkaover 20 years agoI like it and am not put off by the first person plural. The distance of "we" is one of the tradedies of modern life. I do agree that the last stanza could be stronger. My one question is about "breathing bromine". I don't recognize the reference.
