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frosted touch dancing drowsy
leaves a fingerprint web behind
where falloff lingers eternally echoing
marble to marbe and mind to mind
ivory glimmers of polished dreams
but the hammers speak of root and dirt
a solemn trickle from frosty fingers
brought from basics, all ages' hurt
For Jan Johansson (1931-1968)
- COMMENTS
minsuealmost 20 years agoI'm glad I wandered back!
ivory glimmers of polished dreams
Love that.
Kundalinguinialmost 20 years agoA fitting tribute to a frosty-cool jazzman.
Well written, Randi.
lucky-E-levenalmost 20 years agoWow, Randi! Nice poem, girl. I had no idea. Great job, keep up the good work.
~lucky
Senna Jawaalmost 20 years agoThis is your 2nd promising poem at Literotica. (The other one was "Big Hats" -- 2 out of 5, pretty good)!
Last line spoils the mood and everything. Don't feel obliged to make an explicit point. (Leave it to the readers).
"frosted touch dancing ..." sounds a bit oxymoronish. Avoid slapping adjectives arbitrarily. Don't "tell" your intentions, don't abuse adjectives this way (let them truly provide nothing but "objective" info, and not opinions etc).
The same goes for "solemn trickle". Except that this "solemn" is even worse.
And a minor point. I feel that the repetition frosted/frosty is in this poem rather counter-productive.
Your poem is so nicely musical (and it's pleasantly moody) that I've decided on a "100" despite all these horribly serious misgivings :-)
