- Erotic Poetry
- straight lies
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
spoken lies
held no power
to your
eyes that pierced my
mystery.
you saw the way
my hunger grazed
sensual curves, eyes
undressed and fed my
sweet seductions,
seeking the forbidden.
one day unsuspecting,
your brilliance
caged my contradiction.
no place to run,
your body pressed me in
pinned my truth
to bedroom wall.
eyes engaging on my
secret.
your palms outstretched
held me captive,
forcing breathlessness
to rise,
swallowing the lies,
you saw through hungered tremble.
my heartbeat thunder
as lips drew near,
mine watered with arousal,
then opened their
surrender.
warm breath bathed
my tongue,
as body shivered,
in silence my
chin quivered,
begging for that kiss.
tornado flurry
blew me windless,
straight turned and left your
devastation.
me quite undone,
you stood there
laughing
told me to sell the
world my refusal,
no longer were you buying.
years would pass
before I'd prove
how right you were.
I smile now
remembering, you
turned away, teasing with your
truthful lips,
left me whispering,
"I'm straight god dammit"
- COMMENTS
Sinsualmindover 19 years agoI loved the descriptions and the pauses (stanzas) were almost like breaths. The kind of breaths you take when you're unsure and excited at the same time. I really enjoyed this. Maybe it's me, but I don't think it's too long, just maybe a couple of places should be reworked as suggested.
light
R~~~
tungtied2uover 19 years agowith some nice images. I especially liked this:
unspoken words
pinned my truth
to bedroom wall.
I agree with both Eve and Anna about reworking it a bit, paring some of the content to increase impact. By the way, do you mean warm "breath" bathed?. Thanks for the read, Blue.
annaswirlsover 19 years ago~knowing the poet has requested honest feedback~
this is a cool story overall, really, but it could be shorter. I would cut out some of the description (although hot!) as I think you can get to your point of the forceful unveiling of the truth without many of the lines that repeat what has already been said.
You also kind go back and forth between rhyme and no rhyme at the end of your lines. If they are incidental/accidental rhymes, you might consider making some changes so they are more embedded and subtle.
For example:
"I'm strait god damnit"
spoken lies*
that held no power
to your eyes,*
that pierced my*
mystery.
First, you do not need to say "spoken" as your quotes tell us this. If you change it up, the "i" sound will still offer a rhyme witout setting you up for a patttern.
"I'm strait god damnit"
but lies hold no power over your
sharp eye that pierces my mystery."
I really want to see this poem cut to the essentials, as I think it has great promise, as does this newcomer to literotica poetry. Some of the detail detracts from the point of the poem, and that is a shame, because it is a great point. :)
WickedEveover 19 years agobut you need to be a bit more subtle. Have a little mystery about the poem and then reveal it all at the end.
To do this, you just need a few changes. Completely take out: "how gay I was" and move "I'm strait god damnit" to the bottom with this line: left me whispering.
So, the beginning will look like this:
spoken lies
that held no power
to your eyes,
that pierced my
mystery.
and the ending like this:
I smile now
remembering, you
turned away,
teasing with your truthful lips,
left me whispering,
""I'm strait god damnit."
These are only quick suggestions that I'm sure can be improved on. Hope it helps some. :)
normal jeanover 19 years agothe truth, I mean, when it gets where its going its like a full deep breath in an oxygen starved room :)
