A Passage Through Time

A journey is defined as travel or passage from one place to another; hence, figuratively, a passage through life. My journey through Gor has been just that ... a passage through life with many stops and sights along the way; some good, some bad. One can not expect to go through a journey, whatever it may be, without bumps along the road ... a flat tire ... pit stops to take a break. I have had my share of bumps, of flat tires or disappointing moments and even pit stops in which I have both reflected and grown.

I'll be the first to admit that not all pit stops have resulted in reflection but all, in their ways, have resulted in my growth. I believe that growth occurs no matter the appearance in which it is presented: happy moments, times of grief, floods of tears. They have all had their hand in making the person that sits now to write and reflect. Many of my reflections are ramblings ... endless streams of words that allow me to sort out the jumble of emotions that comes with me sitting still long enough to remember. I find it painful to reflect too long so it all comes out in a rush of thoughts, some unable to unscramble at the present moment. But getting them out, in their own way, also allows me to grow.

When I first discovered Gor I knew not even what it was. My first introduction was watching a particular girl in service to the one she called Master. It was open and brutal and the room in which I was in, frowned upon. I heard whispers after they left ... "they are from Gor". I was intrigued ... confused by the scene that had unfolded and very much curious to see more. I'm not sure why because those around me seen disturbed, put off by their behaviors but I, on the other hand, had found my interest piqued.

My second introduction was the fascination the man I was involved with online had developed in watching a slave girl in Gor serve. He was a highly sexual creature and spoke of how hot this girl had made him simply with her words. I was fascinated that someone could have that much power with mere words and knew I had to go and find out. Of course when he realized my intentions I was forbidden to go. As you might be able to guess, he couldn't stop me. It brought about endless fights between us as, at that time, I was what people would call a "subbie brat" and had my voice and used it to show that my will was stronger than his.

However, in my visits to this Gor, I found the men there strangely strong and I was frightened. Not of their strength but more of their displeasure in my ignorance and strong-willed ways. Thankfully on one of my first visits, I had enough common sense to be respectful and above all, show my willingness to learn. A free woman took me under her wing but, in a sense, did not protect me from the men around her ... simply guided me in how to interact with them. Within two visits, I was venturing out in my service to them and found in me something that had been lacking and it surprised me to no ends. I found my slave heart ... that within me that could find no rest until I saw the words and felt the pleasure that came with the knowledge of pleasing one of these strong men that I feared so. At that moment, I knew that there was no turning back for me and that this place called Gor was where my peace would be found.

Of course, I didn't immediately drop everything and run to Gor as a slave girl. I have always had a sense of loyalty and I was in a Home that I adored. My protector, the head of my Home's room, was not eager to see me run to Gor. His former right hand, his former best friend, had turned against him and had himself gone to Gor and this man that I adored now despised both his friend and this place that took him from the Home. There were many fights, many exchanges of heated words between us and he realized that this is where I, too, was headed. But eventually I found my way there, among many mistakes and rocky paths.

My first Home in Gor was more of a lifestyle Home. I was surrounded by individuals that took the Gor philosophy more to heart than to words. The girls served but we focused more on exquisite beauty and being able to please through discussion and interaction with the Free around us. I was drawn to the Owner of my Inn ... his honeyed words spoke of promises between us that never came to be. He forever kept me close but spoke openly about not desiring a personal girl and that, in fact, is what I was made to feel like ... like that indeed was what was going to happen between us. However, he did, in fact, collar a personal girl and it wasn't me. He had started to taste Gorean life offline and decided that he wanted a girl real time and I wasn't enough. I was so hurt that I begged out immediately.

One of the Inn's Keepers had been courting me along the way but I had never wanted him. My eyes and my heart belonged to the Owner of our Inn. But he was there with open arms when I felt so spurned and I made my second mistake in Gor by running straight into his collar. It didn't take me long to find out that I had reacted out of my own pain. But I also knew that staying in this collar was only a lie. But he had worked so hard, waited so patiently, that he was not willing to let me go. But my former strong will took control and I simply left, leaving Gor behind and went back to my protector and fed off his hatred for Gor.

However, he had learned that Gor was simply where I belonged and so, in turn, he decided that he would open an Inn for me, bringing me, along with a sister that I had loved from our Home to this new place in another chat venue. It was good for a short time but he was a lover of women and my heart was still aching from the abuse I had brought upon myself by believing in lies and promises. I felt like that is what my protector was now doing himself and this other girl was what he really wanted so I ran ... right into the arms of the one man he hated; his former right hand and friend.

I wish that I could say that I regretted that part of my life in Gor. But in all reality, it was the time when I really developed the obedient kajira in me. I fell completely and utterly in love with my Master and we shared what I know to be a true Master/slave relationship, not only online, but offline as well. Any that knew and saw us together knew this much to be true. He brought out the best in me and I, in turn, brought out the best in him. He became my world and I, his shadow. We were perfection in action and where one would speak his name, mine would follow suite. But even heaven has its holes and I dropped through one, spiraling back down to Earth when I least expected it only to find myself shattered beyond repair.

My ever faithful protector tried to pick up the pieces but I was so beyond fixing at that time that I couldn't let him close enough to try. I had been devastated and I just needed to run. So that is what I did ... except my headlong flight took me to a completely different room than I had ever really been in. I found myself in a Northern role-play room and at the mercy of a Northern Mistress that introduced me to the Jarl that I still to this day ache for. My life changed drastically and through the absorbing role-play and the sexual creature my Jarl molded me to be, I healed ... albeit, not completely. I would be lying to say that all my wounds have closed. But I healed enough to move on. But with all role-play after a while, he burned out and left chat. I've never quite gotten over that loss as he brought out in me something no one else had and if he returned even today, I would have a hard time not going to him.

I haven't found anyone since that has made me forget the man that truly ripped my heart and soul to shreds. I still find a piece laying about here and there on occasion that brings forth a small drop of blood as I bend to pick it back up. But I continue on this journey ... this passage through life. I'm not sure, at this point, if I can stop traveling upon this bumpy, thorny road that my feet have been set upon. I don't even know if I would ever truly want to stop although, at times, I have tried. This barbaric, cruel world, based on fictitious books written by John Norman calls to a part of me that I did not know even existed. But the girl that you see presented before you now, with all these different levels and emotions, confused at times, sensual at others ... all of it is real ... all of it is the girl that sits on the other side of the keyboard. It's not all just a fantasy but a re-enactment of that part of me that yearns to live, to continue on this journey. Where I will wind up ... where I will finally kneel, still remains to be seen.