Blood And Tears Upon My Hands

I gaze outside the rain streaked window
My hands resting upon its cool surface
As my mind travels back in time
To when I swore back then
That I would never let a man hurt me again

I met you one day
And fell immediately under your spell
Against my will...against my better judgement
Fearing to be hurt once more...
Yet I chose to open that damn door.

Taking a deep breath,
I try to dislodge this heaviness from my heart...
Anger and resentment
At how you avoid me
Instead of telling me you dont want me anymore.
If there's one thing I despise, it's a coward.
I'll be damned if I chase a man.
When a man and a woman like each other
Why does it have to be a game of cat and mouse?
Why cant we just grow together, bond and spend time together.
When I want a man, I will show him
I wont ever treat him like a simple challenge
Or something to play with, like a new toy
All I want is a bit of love in my life..and some joy.

But no...I take this chance on us...
Even though I was scared to..
I made a fool of myself, telling you how I felt about you.
And now, I am paying the price.
As tears flow down my smooth face,
My fist hits the wet window pane, shattering it.
I feel no pain as blood coats my hand
Because my anger and hurt inside, is burning hot
I'm tired of dealing with little boys who pass themselves off as grown men
You're not dealing with a teenage tart here, you're dealing with a woman.

I stand proudly at my modest 5'0 height
With blood on my hands
My tears flow once again, but this time upon my hands.
I look down at my hands through tear-stained eyes..
As several drops fall upon my hands.
Mesmerized at how the crystal liquid lands.

Speaking out loud, I release my anger for the last time
To purge my hurt pride for good..
"This day, I have had my blood and tears blended together"
Turning to the picture of him upon my wall,
I smear the blood and tears on my hands on his picture.
And recount these last words to him
"My tears are what you made fall
And my blood is what came out of this anger...
Remember this day and remember it well
Because it is the last essence you will ever see of me
Caused by YOU.
From this day foward, you will hurt me no more...we are THROUGH"

Note: Poems are a great way for me to release my feelings. My words are oftentimes powerful in its intensity
but it truly helps me...like a cleansing..

(Written: Friday, October 15th, 2004)