How To Make a Bad Marriage

There are many reasons people marry and some of them are what most would call "the right" reasons. Those might include love, companionship, the need to be with that special person and only that one person. For the rest of us, who later find we've made a mistake, the following is a "how-to" for not only making the wrong decision, but doing nothing about it. It's a somewhat humorous look at the seriousness of making a wrong decision.

1) Marry for the wrong reasons. This will definitely take years off any marriage. Get married to cure loneliness. Get married to have help financially. Get married because you were dared. Get married because everyone seems to think it's what you should do. Better yet, get married because for some insane reason, you think it will make a bad relationship better. Best reason: because it's better than being alone, right?

2)Marry the wrong person. Sure, there might be someone else you like more, someone you're more compatible with, but so what? This one is available. S/he has annoying habits or personality quirks that make you crazy... no big deal! You've got the rest of your life to get used to them! And, refer to #1- it's better than being alone, isn't it?

3)Marry someone very recently divorced. This is the best. They're still bitter about their last marriage and will compare everything you do, you say, you think to what their ex did, said, thought. Oh, it makes for great dinner conversation! No matter how innocent what you're doing may be, there's a dark underlying tone that only s/he is aware of. You will be guilty until you can prove otherwise, and isn't having to prove your innocence a great thing???

4)Marry someone with kids. Make sure they're young; the younger the better, and that they live with their other parent. If they are younger than your own and have lots of issues left unresolved, are basic brats who make your kids on a bad day look good this is even better! By golly, you just can't imagine how rewarding it is to have those lovely 'your kids' vs. 'my kids' discussions. If your spouse, that lovely person you married, is the type to blame everything on everyone else, then you'll get the added bonus of hearing how his/her kids are so bad due to the custodial parents lack of proper upbringing. If you're really lucky, you'll become privy to the fact that everything you've done as a parent up to the point where s/he came into your life was wrong.

5)Make sure the wrong person is the total opposite of you. You will not believe how much enjoyment you can get from watching TV shows you hate, listening to jokes that even a five year old would find demeaning, and having nothing in common to talk about. If you like an occasional drink, make sure s/he is against alcohol. You're an extravert, marry an introvert. You have a sense of humor, marry someone who has to have the punch line explained. Never marry someone who's intellect is equal to your own.

6)Stew in your resentment. Oh, this one is good! Make sure you stay longer than necessary so you can really resent not only your partner, but yourself! You'll know you've been with him/her too long when the sound of the door opening causes you to wretch because you know s/he is home from work. Real resentment comes when you see their mouth open and you want to stuff a dirty sock in it before s/he has a chance to say another word that will make you grit your teeth. You stay up late to avoid having to get into the same bed with him/her. You stay late or go in early to work to avoid being in the same house with them. When you reach that point where not only can you not stand to look at your partner and be in the same room with him/her, but you can't stand the person you see in the mirror when you're alone... boy oh boy! We're cookin' with gas now!!!

7) Marry someone who needs to be in control at all times. This can lead to abuse of one kind or another. Don't we all want to be abused?? Doesn't it make you want to get up in the morning, just to see what s/he is going to say or do to make you feel like crap?

8) Marry someone who lies. Make sure s/he actually believes the lies being told so that at first you become a little confused. Whatever you do , don't question the tales because you wouldn't want to be accused of making false accusations would you? Besides, it's rather fun deciphering the truth.

9)Marry someone who is jealous of everything and everyone in your life. You don't need friends, do you? Didn't you agree when you got married that all prior friendships would become null and void? And does your dog really need any attention? The kids will be grown sometime, so it's not like they need any of your attention either. You have a job outside the home? Do not talk to anyone; they might reply and you'd be in a conversation that doesn't include your spouse, therefore making it unnecessary. You must give all your attention, time, and energy to your spouse only.

And finally...

10)Don't leave. By golly, you just might feel better about yourself and life in general, and we wouldn't want that, now, would we? Of course not! Always let fear guide you.. because it's so much better to stay with the devil you know than to risk it on your own in that big bad world where the devil doesn't reside.

*On a serious note, please understand that this is for entertainment only. If you are in an abusive relationship of any kind, get out! Seek help immediately. This little diddy is intended only for those of us like myself who are sitting on our asses in a bad relationship waiting for 'the right moment' to call it quits.*