Superstitious Me? Of Course. Pt. 02

MY SUPERSTITIOUS HUSBAND.

Angel Love, you are gem, thank you.

My husband wrote a story about how I deceived him. This is my story, but to get any sense out of it, you have to read Kevin's; "Superstitious Me? Of Course," first. My story starts where Kevin's ends....

With tear filled eyes I saw Kevin leave the room. His last few controlled words hit like daggers in my chest, and I was completely numb. I sobbed uncontrolled, until I felt John's arm holding round me.

I woke as from a trance, and pushed his arm away and said, "Sorry John, I don't want your sympathy. I have screwed up royally. You should dress and leave the house. I request you to contact Kevin tomorrow, and write the affidavit he requested. Write what you heard me telling you, nothing less nothing more."

"Judy, I don't know what to say, is it really true that you have fooled him for 10 years?" he replied.

"No John, it isn't. But there is no way that he will believe otherwise. He heard what I told you. If you try to defend me, it will only make matters worse. If he asks you to, tell how many times we were together, and where, be honest. He will not hurt you, and he will not use what you write against you, because I will not fight him and I will take what he chooses to give me. You saw he hardly noticed you, you were of no significance to him, in his eyes you are not worth using energy on."

John sat there as in thought, turned toward Judy and said; "It was like I was non existent, I would have preferred if he had shouted at me and even given me some physical punishment. I felt he belittled me by his lack of acknowledgement of me being there."

"Yes John, that is exactly his ways. He once told me that if any man needs to use his fists to win an argument, he has lost. Go home to your wife John, and be a good husband to her. I am sorry I seduced you and dragged you into this mess." After a little pause I continued; "We will not meet again - ever. Don't contact me please, just leave."

After John quietly left the house, I went downstairs where I found the bouquet of roses, the last roses I ever will receive from Kevin. I unpacked them, trimmed the stems and put them in a vase. They were beautiful, and my tears rolled down my cheeks. I knew I would meet many difficult days ahead.

The next morning, I collected the children who had slept over at the neighbour's and sent them to school. I called my office and told them I would stay home that day for personal reasons. We have a small home office, and I went in there, started the computer, and opened the mail program. There was no incoming mail, Kevin had not sent me a message yet. I decided to send him a message, and in the subject field I wrote: "Practical matters."

Dear Kevin,

There are no words that can express how sorry I am that I hurt you, and also our children. I will not ask you to forgive me, I would never have forgiven you, had you done to me what I did to you. But that could not happen, it is not in your character, you are a better and more complete person than me. I know that now.

I expect you will ask for a divorce, and you can rest assure, I will not fight the settlement if you choose that route. I will accept whatever you find I deserve. I will appreciate if I could keep 50 pct of our joint deposit so I have the down payment on a flat not too far away. The children will be better off in the house where they have all their friends nearby, and I will help you in all possible manners with the children. I will never say one word to your disadvantage to them.

You need to organise some help in the house, an aupair or a housekeeper. In the meantime, I propose to stay in the house until you are organised, to make the food for the children, sending them to school and their activities; to help them with their home work, to wash and mend their clothes, to clean the house and all the other chores. However, this is to your discretion, I move out when you tell me to. I will use the next few days to find a flat, and pack only my personal belongings. The bedroom furniture you can give to charity, I don't want it either and I will only need a single bed.

After you have settled in your new situation, and I in my flat, I will send you a new mail for your information. I will tell you truthfully what happened. You will probably not believe me, but I need to do that for my own conscience. Hopefully you would not see me as such a big slut, as yesterday's conversation with John led you to believe.

If you find in your heart, that there is the slightest possibility for you to come past this, I would be overjoyed, and of course be at your disposal at any time. However, I do not expect you to.

My sincere apology,

Love Judy

Kevin's reply was civil and courteous. He didn't comment on my invitation to talk. I didn't believe he would so that was no surprise. We agreed on the practical matters, and five weeks later he lived in the house with a middle-aged house keeper, and I in a flat not far from the home we had shared all these years.

His lawyer had made out the divorce documentation, and Kevin had been more than generous. He wanted to make some changes in the house, and I got the essentials to furnish my flat without the need to buy much. I signed the documents and left them in the reception at his office.

Then I wrote him the following e-mail:

Dear Kevin,

Thank you for your generosity. I have signed the documents and delivered them to your office. You are free to process them as you see fit.

I have one request to you. Please keep the documents in your drawer until you meet another woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. This might seem a strange request, but I can tell you that I will not date other men as long as you are single. If you at one point meet somebody you get attached to, and she moves in and or marries you, then I might consider seeing other men. But as long as you are free, I want to live in the hope that you would consider me as a friend and a possible companion in some way. I will never expect you to forgive me.

This is what happened, and why I said what you heard to John:

For eight years I was a completely faithful companion and wife. You never did anything to make me dissatisfied with you. You had asked me many times to wear more revealing clothes and sexy lingerie. I always declined. You also asked me to be a little more adventurous in bed, and I declined. I liked your soft and tender ways, I loved to cuddle up to you, and I loved the beautiful way you made love.

Two years ago, I was as you may remember on an over night stay in Denver. After dinner in my hotel I sat in the hotel's dance bar enjoying a drink. I was asked by a nice man to dance, which I accepted. I ended up sitting at his table and talking, and dancing. He bought me a couple of drinks, not more. But he fooled me, he must have spiked my drink with something, because I lost my defences completely. I was both present and not present, and remember everything. I was completely at ease with no feeling I did anything wrong. I don't think anybody can understand unless they have been in the same situation. I ended up in his room, and of course he made love to me. He made me do things with him I had never done before. He was not considerate, he was rough and fucked me like I had never been by anybody else. I was completely at his mercy. Next morning I woke up in my own room – alone – and the night was just like a strange dream, and I felt a tremendous guilt.

When I got home, I tried to forget the whole episode, and for some time almost succeeded to do so. But after a year or so, even if I enjoyed the good sex I had with you, I started fantasies about the rough sex I had in Denver. Somehow I did not involve you in these fantasies, I did not dare to bring these feelings into our relationship. You had stopped, or given up on me to wear sexy lingerie and go for a more revealing dress code. You would wonder what had happened to me that changed my attitude. I wanted to keep the Jekyll and Hyde as you so aptly described it, apart.

So without going into details, I chose the wrong course and ended up cheating on you. For this I can never forgive myself. Even if you should believe me, it does not make a lot of difference. You might have forgiven what happened in Denver, but my action where I seduce John and had a relation with him, for three months with three lunches first and then three sexual encounters with him, you cannot forgive. I accept that.

Why did I tell the story to John, that you overheard? John had started to be very possessive, and I had to discourage him and scare him off. I had no feelings for him, and I wanted to quit the liaison. So I told him he was just a fuck toy in a row of many before him. I invented the story as I told it.

The main reason I am telling you this, in addition to get it off my chest, is that you shall know you can walk around in our community with a raised head. You will never meet a man who has cuckolded you, except John. You will never hear snide remarks, and our friends will know nothing unless you have told them. Only three persons as far as it is up to me know. I hope it can stay this way.

I will be there for you if you need me. I will do my utmost to be there for the children, so much as you will allow me. The strain on you being a "single" father will be heavy. You know I am a good mother, and it will be in your and the children's interest if you let me be in their life.

Even if you do not love me anymore, I love you.

Love Judy

The next few months my life consisted of work, eating and sleeping, when I did not help with our children. We came to organize our lives into a convenient pattern, I taking our daughter Kelly to her activities, and Kevin took our son Justin to his activities. I had both of them every second weekend, and went over to the house and stayed with them if Kevin needed to be out an evening.

I had nearly a non existent social life. The only activity was an occasional movie or a concert with a friend.

When I knew I would see Kevin, him delivering the children to me, or when I picked one or both of them up at his house, I always dressed and groomed myself to look nice. My dress code was slowly changing. From my demure style to a more fresh and outgoing style. The smiles were sometimes a bit strained, but I tried to behave in a positive way toward him. I never nagged, complained or cried. My objective was of course to make Kevin fall in love with me once more.

So after about six months, one Sunday afternoon having delivered Kelly and Justin back to his house, standing there in the hall making small talk, Kevin asked, "Judy, you seem to be relaxed and at ease, are you doing OK?"

Then my defences broke down, tears rolled down my cheeks and I said, "No Kevin, I miss you so terribly. I know you said you would never cuddle me anymore, but please Kevin hold round me just once more."

Kevin folded his arms round me and held me tight for a while, and with my chin on his shoulder I sobbed uncontrollably. When my sobbing subsided, he released me and I dried my eyes and said, "Thank you Kevin, that was nice of you," turned round and left the house quietly.

The next six months went along without any great changes, except that I started to notice Kevin was beginning to look at me with a strange expression when he believed himself unobserved. I was not sure what he was thinking about, but there was certainly something on his mind. His attitude toward me became a bit more friendly, but he did not express any wish to talk or make some moves to change our present situation. I decided to say nothing, and let the process go at his pace, but it had given me hope.

He phoned me one day, and asked if the children could stay with me over a weekend. He would go to Florida to play golf with friends. I agreed to take the children, and was looking forward to a few pleasant days with them. He left Friday morning and planned to return Monday afternoon.

We enjoyed our weekend, the children and I. But on Saturday evening, while we were playing Scrabble, I was surprised by Kelly when she said, "Dad doesn't love us anymore."

"How can you say that?" I replied. "He loves you both more than anything in the whole world."

"He doesn't notice us, he doesn't hear what we say and answer us. He doesn't care what we do," she countered.

"But dear Kelly, your dad is only tired. He needed some time for himself to recuperate. When he comes back from Florida, he will be as before. Don't you worry. He loves both you and Justin, but everybody needs a rest from time to time. You just wait and see," I comforted her.

Monday afternoon Kevin picked up the children to take them home. He was very cheerful and hugged them both and told them how glad he was to be back. They glowed, and I was pleased for them. Then Kevin asked me, "Are you free for lunch tomorrow, Judy? I would like to talk to you."

"Of course Kevin," I replied, "I will arrange my day so I can see you for lunch. When and where?"

"Can we say one o'clock at the "Le Petit Canard? It is quiet, plenty of room between the tables and the food is good."

I confirmed and they left, Kevin with one child in each hand, and both of them chatting and telling about what we had been doing in the weekend. If I hadn't known better, we were the picture of one happy family.

At precisely one o'clock the next day I pushed the doors open to the restaurant. I had taken particular care to dress and groom myself to look pretty. A few men turned their head when I walked down from my office, so I knew I had succeeded to look good. I wanted him back so badly.

Kevin was already there, and he greeted me with a kiss on my cheek, and said, "Thank you for coming, I have already taken the liberty to order some food so we will not be much disturbed. While we wait for the first course we can sip this dry Alsace wine which is good. I have ordered some marinated shrimps first, then Monkfish in white wine sauce, and this wine will follow through, I think you will find it to your liking."

"You have such a good taste for both food and wine. I'm sure it will be first class. Not to sound ungrateful, but what you have to say to me is of greater importance." I said, and continued, "I have been nervous before this meeting. I have seen that you have had something on your mind for some time, and yesterday you were very cheerful. I am scared you are going to tell me that you have found another woman in your life. Have you?"

He smiled at me and replied; "Both yes and no, Judy. You shouldn't be scared, because you are both the yes and no. But let me explain in my way." He took a sip of the wine and continued, "While waiting for the plane to board in the airport on our way home, I saw a fortune teller reading Tarot Cards. You know me, I got curious so I decided to spend the waiting time for her to read my fortune. She shuffled seven times and laid the cards out face down, and she asked me to pick three cards. I pulled out three cards and she flipped them face up.

The first card was card no. 13 – Death, the second was card no. 20 – Judgement and the last was card no. 0 – The Fool.

She looked at me and said, "You should not be worried. The Death is not necessarily a permanent end, but a transition into a new state. You may close a door to be able to open another. You have to put the past behind you. You are about to move from the known to the unknown. You will shred old attitudes, and you will go through what cannot be avoided.

When I see the Death in a combination with Judgement, I see you will have to make hard choices. But if you make the right choices, you will feel reborn, and enjoying new hope. You will feel cleansed and refreshed, guilt's and sorrows will be released, and you will be able to forgive yourself and others.

These two cards together with The Fool tells me that you will begin something new, you will have the courage to live in the moment and be spontaneous. You will most likely do something unexpected, but you will trust your instinct and let go of worry and fear. You will take a crazy chance, and you will most likely win.

All these cards tell me you have lost love, and you have found it again. You don't know if you dare pursue it because it comes from an unexpected direction. Only you know what to do about it, but I think you have the guts to follow your feelings."

Kevin stopped his tale, he looked me deeply in the eyes and said, "One year ago, I hated you, I really did. I thought that I never would be able to love you again. I felt lifeless, and expected to come over the anger toward you and find somebody out there to love. For six months I saw you only as my children's mother that I had to communicate with in a polite manner for the sake of the children."

His tale was only briefly interrupted by the waiter serving us our food, and to be frank I cannot even remember anything from the meal itself. But it must have been good because it is a first class restaurant.

After the main course was finished, he took hold of my hand and continued, "Then came that night when you broke down and asked me to hold you. It slowly dawned upon me that you had it worse. I missed the lost love, and all that evolves round a family life. You had that loss and in addition you felt guilt, which most likely gave you sleepless nights. And with all this you made such a stoic appearance, showed composure and handled yourself so well. I started to admire you. Bit by bit, you moved into my heart again. I did not recognise it at the time, but it must have been love . This new found love for you grew, and the fortune teller opened my eyes completely. I want to take the chance and ask you to come back in my life Judy. Do you wish to take the chance?" He smiled at me and added, "We are still married you know, the divorce documents are still in my drawer. I never met anybody else."

I could with difficulties suppress my sobbing, but tears rolled down my cheeks. My natural instinct would be to throw myself at him, but being in a posh restaurant restrained my actions. I squeezed his hand and replied, "Yes Kevin, I will go through fire and water for you, but you have to take the whole package, the Jekyll and Hyde rolled into one. Can accept that?"

"Of course, I want all of you, every single ounce. And I want so much to hold you again. Can you take the rest of your day off, so we can take the coffee at our house and talk some more?"

"Yes I can, but let us walk over to my flat, it is so much closer, and we will be by ourselves," I replied.

Kevin settled the bill, and we walked hand in hand to my flat.

Inside the door we turned toward each other and kissed. No words spoken, I just pulled him toward the bedroom, and a few minutes later we were in bed. The coffee was completely forgotten.

Our lovemaking was tender and soft, and I don't think I ever have been so blissfully taken care of. His soft kisses and my tender stroking gave us both a better feeling of love than I had felt before. He smiled at me and said, "This was a wonderful Hyde lovemaking, and I have missed it so much, and Judy, today is a new beginning for me, and I hope for you. The days and weeks ahead might not be easy, but I will try to concentrate on what is in front of us, and not look back at what happened with my last love. This is new love and a new beginning for me."

"I never lost my love for you Kevin, I behaved in a way I cannot explain, but this is also a new beginning for me, and I will never do things that puts your love for me at risk again. I don't think I deserve this, but I grab it with gratitude and as I told you, I will go through fire and water for you for the rest of my life. I love you so much Kevin, you are a such a good man. In the time ahead you will see the Jekyll side of me, I will be both good an naughty, but only for you. Thank you so much for opening your heart and letting me in Kevin," and I kissed him with passion.