How to Appreciate a Man

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What's the secret to appreciating the man in your life?
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Selena_Kitt
Selena_Kitt
5,716 Followers

Author's Note: I am not eligible to win this contest--just entered it for fun. I do hope you enjoy this entry and I welcome feedback. -SK

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I love men. I love the way they move—their straight, tall spines and the way their eyes check out the perimeters of any new room they enter. I love the way they will protect anything smaller and more vulnerable than themselves. I love how generous and kind they are at heart. I love their focus and direction, how they can spend hours figuring out how it all works, endlessly fascinated. And yes, I love that they can lift the heavy stuff, start lawn mowers, open jars, and kill spiders.

I have grown up in a culture that doesn't give up the love to men very much. From bumbling dads like Bill Cosby who feed kids chocolate cake for breakfast to the comical but idiotic-like Homer Simpson or Everybody Loves Raymond, the images of men in our culture have served to show them as silly and superfluous.

My daughter, now fifteen, has an even less clear definition of the masculine to go on. She is entering a world of dating where men are "metrosexual" or "ubersexual"—perfectly coiffed, buff, hairless men who can go head-to-head with her in deciding on wedding favors and colors for the curtains. It makes my head spin.

To me, one of the best things about men is how different they are from women. It is, admittedly, one of the most frustrating things about them, too. I can understand the world's constant pressure to create a gender neutral ground where we can all communicate in the same language, instead of trying to speak two versions of alien to each other. On the other hand, if you take all the masculine out of the masculine and all the feminine out of the feminine, you no longer have anything to attract the other. Neutral things have no charge, no spark.

As a woman, I love and revel in the differences between the sexes, physical and otherwise. I know too many women, though, who hate men. I don't even know if they know they hate men, but the way they talk about men—their husbands, brothers, fathers—is so demeaning and castrating that it makes me cringe to hear it. I know, because I used to talk about and think about men this way, too, at a certain point in my life.

In my marriages, one failed, and one a work in progress, I have discovered a few things about really appreciating the men in my life. I learned it by trial-and-error and by making a lot of mistakes. I'm still by no means perfect—I often lapse in my appreciation of the opposite sex—but I always come back to it now, and remember how much I really do love men. They are amazing, and so deserving of feminine recognition.

And the secret is—are you ready for this?—they live for it. In fact, if a man isn't being appreciated by the feminine, eventually, he just disappears. Sometimes, he literally leaves, and sometimes he just checks out of the relationship somehow. He craves appreciation, acknowledgment and respect. Now, let me be clear. I'm not talking about approval. That sets up a power dynamic, more like a mommy approving (or disapproving) of a son. That's not what he wants.

I'm talking about appreciation, an open expression of heartfelt gratitude. It's so simple. He carries in the groceries. You say thank you. He fixes the dishwasher. You listen to all the ins and outs of his trial and error method, ooo-ing and ahh-ing in all the right places, and in the end, you kiss him and thank him for your amazing new working convenient and time-saving appliance.

It sounds contrived, but I'm not saying you should do it in an insincere way. In fact, he'll know if you're not really appreciative. And frankly, aren't you truly glad that he's strong enough to carry in the groceries? Aren't you glad you don't have to wash dishes by hand? And beyond that, aren't you grateful that he's willing to do something so generous for you?

Giving him a genuine expression of your appreciation in the moment is like putting money in your relationship bank. You are investing in the future of your relationship with every smile, kind word, touch, and thank you.

Here's another little secret—the more you thank him and appreciate what he does—the more he will do. This doesn't mean you should say thank you as a manipulation. It should always be a genuine expression of your heart. Still, expressing your gratitude creates this wonderful cycle of generosity from your partner, which in turn inspires more appreciation from you, and so it goes.

Men are actually very kind and generous souls. When women make demands on men, they feel burdened, and often seem stingy. You can tell a man what you want, and in fact, you should. Contrary to feminine belief, men are not mind readers. They want a woman who knows what she wants, and who will express that. But that doesn't include making demands or bargains to get it.

I knew a woman once who hated oral sex—giving it, of course—but she wanted a new diamond ring for their tenth anniversary. So, she made a bargain. "I will give you a blowjob every time you put away a hundred dollars toward my ring." After the newness of oral sex wore off for him, though, he got bored, and stopped putting money away.

Yes, a man bored with blowjobs. How could this be? Because he knew that, for her, it was just a means to an end. There are very few men that I know who want to feel as if a woman is with them just to get something. He would rather forgo the oral sex than feel like he was being used or manipulated. If you are giving your "appreciation" just to get something, you can forget it. It will backfire every time.

And here we come to another secret about men. Do you know the best way you can show a man you truly appreciate him? You might not believe me, but I've found that it's generally true. Men want to experience a woman experiencing pleasure. It is the most tantalizing thing in the world for the masculine. That doesn't necessarily mean in bed, although there, too, of course, but it can be as simple as laughing at his jokes, smiling at him when he does something goofy, or saying "Mmm!" when he brings you chocolate.

It's really as simple as enjoying life in his presence. He loves and lives for giving you pleasure, in bed and out. I knew a woman whose husband constantly complained about how much she spent on clothes. She was a beautiful woman, with a great figure, and she was, admittedly, a huge clothes horse. You know the kind, with more shoes than Imelda Marcos. This was a huge power struggle between them, until finally, she gave up and said, "Fine. I won't buy any clothes unless you buy them for me."

What happened? She discovered that her husband was actually much more generous with her than she had been with herself. He took her shopping, bought her beautiful dresses that she would have been afraid to purchase because their price tags were cost-prohibitive. Instead of sneaking her purchases here and there, filling her closets on the sly, she allowed him to give her pleasure, which in turn gave him pleasure, and the outcome was better than she could have imagined.

This applies to between the sheets as well. The best way you can appreciate your man in bed? Open yourself to receiving pleasure from him. Go ahead and ask your man what gives him more pleasure—his enjoyment, or yours. You'll be surprised by the response.

He gets an incredible rush from giving you orgasms, from making you moan and squeal and giggle and gasp. There is nothing that makes a man feel more appreciated and acknowledged than watching his lover's face as she dies into bliss in his arms, knowing he took her to that place.

Now, that said—men don't want a performance. In spite of the "When Harry Met Sally" conjecture that a man doesn't really know when a woman is faking—men aren't stupid. They are linear, focused, clear and direct, but they aren't stupid. They know when a woman is acting, when she isn't really feeling what she's expressing. They know when someone is being insincere and disingenuous, and they will know if you are faking, even if they don't say so.

Which brings us to the two things that you can do to cultivate appreciation for a man: 1.) Know what you want 2.) Ask for what you want. I know it sounds like a paradox, but the best appreciation a man can receive is to experience the deepest, most genuine pleasure of a woman.

In or out of bed, this applies. And of course rule number three would be: 3.) Thank him for giving you what you wanted. It's so simple, and yet so many women don't have a clue what they want, or if they do know, they don't know how to ask for it... and then, if they get it, they're so embarrassed for wanting it in the first place, they find it hard to say "thank you."

What you need to remember is that a woman's enjoyment is the secret ingredient. He wants to see that everything he does, everything he works for, everything he offers, is appreciated by his woman, whether that's watching her face when she opens the gift, or seeing her eyes light up when he gives her flowers, or watching her toes curl when she cums.

"But what if my man doesn't do that kind of stuff!" you say? Recognize what he does do, right now. I don't care how small it is. Did he bring in the garbage cans? Thank him. Did he rinse his dinner dishes? Thank him. Did he take the baby for an hour? Thank him. I don't care if you asked him to do it, or if it's something he's "supposed to do and why should I thank him for that?" Thank him.

Find that spark of gratitude in your heart, and give it to him. The more you do, the brighter the fire will burn between you.

Now, there is one caveat to appreciating a man. A woman has to be able to express her pleasure and enjoyment without demeaning him or making him small in the process. In other words, there should be no "Buts" attached to the "Thank yous."

"Thank you for rinsing your dishes... BUT you could have put them in the dishwasher."

"Thank you for taking the baby... BUT you didn't change his diaper."

"Thank you for bringing in the garbage cans... BUT you forgot to shut the back door."

That "BUT" will serve to negate the appreciation. It's like putting money in the bank and taking it right back out again. You never build a surplus. So what if you're right? And of course, you are. But would you rather feel pleasure or anger? Would you rather feel right or feel loved?

So, he didn't put the dishes in the dishwasher, or change the baby's diaper, or shut the back door... but he did rinse his dishes, take the baby and bring in the garbage cans. Acknowledge and appreciate the small stuff. You will find, soon enough, that you will have more and more to acknowledge, as time goes on, because the more you do, the more he will do, too.

The hardest part I've found is saying "Thank you" when my own tank doesn't feel full. When I feel like I'm running on empty, it's the last thing I want to do. When this happens, I know I'm not experiencing enough joyful things in my life. I need to take some time for myself—take a bath, take a walk, take a break. Usually, after I do something for me, I can find that gratitude in my heart again.

One of the ways I've found to really appreciate my man when I know I've been slacking off in the appreciation department (and I know, because I start feeling grouchy and hostile and resentful of everything) is to stand in front of him, put my hand on his heart, and say, "My magnificent man... I really appreciate you for_____." You fill in the blank.

It can be one thing, or ten. The more, the better, actually. You'll find yourself softening, too, the more things you can find to acknowledge him for. And ask any man reading this right now, even as goofy as the "my magnificent man" part sounds, if he would love to have his woman put her hand on his heart and say such a thing with all the love in the world in her eyes? Go ahead, ask. You might be surprised.

When it comes to appreciating men, a woman really has everything she needs already. She's built for pleasure and he craves her enjoyment of it. It's really a beautiful thing, when it works. A woman who is self-confident, who knows what she wants and expresses it without being demanding, and who can revel in her sincere, genuine enjoyment and pleasure, will go a long way toward being able to truly appreciate the man in her life.

Selena_Kitt
Selena_Kitt
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hrdmngd2findhrdmngd2findabout 2 months ago

I found this article years ago, but I have come back to it many times, and shared it numerous times over the years.

While it is written as advice to women, hard-won wisdom that "Selena" acquired in her personal life, I found that it made sense of numerous things in my own history of relationships with women.

I see comments about how the impact of gratitude is universal and agree that women can also shut down when they don't feel appreciated. However, it's not an "either-or" situation, and Selena is not proposing that women should do this but men should not. In this writing, written for women, she focused like a therapist would, on what her target audience, women, can do - not on what their partners should do.

I particularly like the "approval vs appreciation" distinction. I won't speak for other men, but for me, this was a revelation about the deleterious dynamic in my first marriage and what works for me. I can't count how many times women, semi-jokingly refer to their husbands as another child. There is a tendency for the dynamic to shift into something like the mother-child dynamic, and all the incest fantasies aside, it's usually not good for the relationship. Likewise, she mentions women speaking about men (or to them) with contempt, and while it is true that women don't like contempt either, it is a vicious dagger to men.

Selena's essay nests into the concepts of polarity she discusses in another how-to article: "The Secret of Attraction." It also matches closely what David Deida proposes in "The Way of the Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire." David Deida posits the idea that every person has both gender "energies" to draw upon, and how men and women can draw upon their feminine energy or their masculine energy as various life and work situations require. He also posits the idea that most people have an inner preference or energy essence - one type where they feel most themselves. They can use both energies if necessary, but there is one or the other that is more rooted in who they are.

I understand him to mean there is a spectrum among people: the degree to which a person most naturally lives in their masculine energy or their feminine energy. Each person has a unique individualized mix of the two which is part of what makes them unique. He allows for a percentage of people who are more "balanced" and also states that a person's essence or preferred energy doesn't always align with their biological gender. He points out that it is common for LGBTQ couples to have this gender energy polarity. He makes it clear that this conceptualization is a rejection of the rigid prescribed roles of the 1950s. It is also a move away from what he calls a middle stage, the cultural shift toward relative androgyny that occurred in the latter 60s and 70s - which some people have become stuck in.

Biologically, the unique blend that is a person's essence energy most likely corresponds to the unique way their brain halves are wired together. Further complicating that is the fact that brain science has learned that each person's brain is relatively "plastic," because the neuro-connections change and re-map over time.

My point in saying all that about gender energies is that one doesn't have to embrace the 1950s rigid gender role idea to acknowledge that a person with a primarily masculine essence might experience gratitude in a way that is different than a person with a primarily feminine essence. It doesn't mean that women won't thrive on gratitude, but it has a different meaning to the feminine, albeit perhaps a subtle difference.

Feminine energy is inclined more toward relationship and connection, life and nurturing, toward expressing inner and outer beauty, and it thrives on masculine attention, acknowledgment, and comprehension. Feminine energy has a fear of relational pain. Masculine energy is inclined toward impact, decisiveness, action, competition, and movement. Masculine energy has a distinct hunger for respect, and the acknowledgment of adequacy, with the other side of that coin being a fear of inadequacy and failure.

Again, men and women draw on both of these energies from within. It's not prescriptive. There's no "should" to which one you should be, or how your balance of the two should live in you. Trying to put words to the nature of these gender energies is difficult, and someone may quibble with me on them. All I can say is these are innately amorphous and overlapping concepts.

So, while it is true that appreciation is also important for someone with a stronger feminine energy, it has a different kind of impact and meaning than it does for someone who has a stronger masculine energy.

inka2222inka22223 months ago

@anon from last comment - yes, all humans appreciate appreciation. And DUH, a man should thank and appreciate his mate. The point of the essay wasn't that he shouldn't appreciate her. It's that WOMEN generally do NOT show appreciation to men, and they should. Think back to Valentine's day. HE sets up the even. Plans everything. Makes reservations. Pays for everything. Buys her expensive present. AND risks being inflicted with unhappy partner if he doesn't plan and execute all this perfectly. THIS IS UNIVERSALLY EXPECTED. He goes all out showing his appreciation of her in this relationship. What does she do? That's right, show up, look pretty FOR OTHER PEOPLE (because let's face it, she wouldn't get specially dolled up if it's only him seeing her, but she just did for going to a restaurant), and if he's lucky "generously" allow slightly better than average sexual experience for him - implying she is withholding good sex for 364 days of the year.

And also yes, men and women ARE on average psychologically different, and find fulfillment in different things. Just using a VERY random example, an average woman strongly dislikes dirtt/disorder, so for her cleaning is an intrinsically motivated thing. She doesn't clean "for him", but for herself. Whereas, an average man, doesn't mind messiness nearly as much, so the reason he cleans is literally to make his mate happy. So while the two *actions* are identical (he cleans/she cleans), the motivations and the rewards are different.

There's also significantly more complicated calculations at a higher level, going into hypergamy and such (e.g. a woman would be more pleasure-giving towards a rare super duper male - to avoid toxic social media discourse let's call him "prince charming" - while expecting far less from him; and THE SAME woman would expect to do far less for - and appreciate far less - to a male mate who is her peer). As an example, if you're still dating, honestly assess whether you would expect a man to pay for your dates, despite you probably making same salary as him, being a modern independent boss girl

inka2222inka22223 months ago

First if all, this is 100% accurate and amazing advice. THANK YOU!

It's uplifting that there are still women who have both clarity of mind, wisdom, and insightfulness to understand these things. It's also downright depressing that an overwhelming majority of modern women raised in the toxic femininity swamp of 3d/4th generation of man hating "feminism" would not simply fail to understand this, but would actively reject this advice at best (and hate the author too).

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

This advice is on point - gratitude and appreciation are amazing tools for fulfillment for most people! But I’m wondering why you frame this as a diversion between male and female needs…. Women thrive on appreciation too. One of the things I notice that ticks women off the most is when they’re doing a thousand things for their relationship that go unnoticed and unappreciated or undervalued. And actually I think this is what most causes the “empty tank” issue that you referred to… where a woman might find it really tough to be genuinely grateful for a rinsed dish in the sink when she is loading and unloading the dishwasher every day without a whisper of gratitude from her man.

I’m wondering why you say that when it’s hard to give gratitude because your own tank feels empty - you (as a woman) seek self care like taking a bath or a walk. Maybe I’m reading this wrong but why is it your responsibility to fill both his tank and your own? Seems a little unfair. “A woman has everything she needs already”… are you saying women are naturally more self sufficient? “She’s built for pleasure”… are you saying women can give less to the relationship (e.g. not doing chores or earning income) because they are made to receive and that’s why they don’t need as much appreciation? Idk the woman/man thing I just find really confusing in this article which otherwise makes a lot of sense!

I would respond to all the men in the comments who are saying: “I wish women would understand this!” Try these exact same tactics on your woman and see how she responds. I’ll bet that you’ll see her mirroring the love and appreciation back to you <3

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 2 years ago

This gave me the most amazing feeling. It's like you looked inside my mind or heart and said what I've always tried to say but I just have the proper words.

Thank you!

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