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Click hereher face contorted
her eyes dark yet sane
she struggles vainly
underneath the pain
she wants no pity
and she shows no shame
in giving herself
completely to pain
her skin quite aglow
as she screams again
finding a strange calm
found only in pain
The potential is lost with the rhyming structure. Rhyme doesn't fit if you're trying to present an image of pain; it comes across as too soft, a cerebral discussion about pain. The hard edge of BDSM just isn't there.
If you hadn't listed this as erotic, I'd have no clue that it's a bdsm or d/s poem. There is a lot of pain here but not much else for readers to sink their teeth into. It's not a bad read, wfeather, but it will be hard for me to even recall this poem later today, unless you give me a bit more. :)