Not Enough Rum in the World

"Tomorrow is National Nude Day. "

"Yeah, right. You're just a perverted old slob who hopes to get a peak at my cooder after midnight. And the way we're drinking, you just might. ....Ooh look. There's Jeff. He just bought a Harley and I've always wanted to ride a Fat Boy. See ya."

It was a typical conversation between me and one of the younger women at the agency. I swear everything they talked about was sexual. At this party, on a beautiful June afternoon at the regional manager's pool, we had already talked about "flip and fucks," "cup and run" "spit or swallow," and "sleeping with a stranger." I was about to spill mayonnaise on my crotch to cover the spurt spot that was imminent.

Jackie had explained to us about the "flip and fuck." She is one of those blousy women whose tits and hips always seem to be swaying in four different directions....You know, the slightly overweight bimbo with lipstick stains on her cigarette who's always tugging her tube top up or her miniskirt down, and then catches you hawking and calls you a perv even though you know three drinks from now she'll be on her back in the laundry room with her sweaty thighs wrapped around a janitor.... Anyway, she volunteered that she had often used a flip and fuck in college. It's a kind of a futon-ish piece of furniture which acts as a chair when it's folded, but with a quick flip becomes a mattress for fucking on the floor.

"Yewww! Doesn't it get all stained, and then your mom comes to visit and she sits on it and you're thinking, 'Please don't sniff, Mom. Please don't sniff." ....That was Ellie. She is one of those plain but nice girls who just cut their hair short, wear clothes that never attract attention and do their jobs everyday, all the while wondering if they're missing out on something.

" No, you just cup and run," blurted my Alice. I call her my Alice because she's my favorite of the bunch, who by the way are all young enough to be my daughters. She's all business at work, but when she looks at me from under her bangs and bites her lower lip, I get the idea that fires are burning. She says she wants to have a baby and then looks at me and bites her lip. She says she wishes she knew a thirty year old lawyer she could just fuck once a week and looks at me and bites her lip. She says she loves her vibrator....See, why are they telling an old man these things? I'll hemorrhage! I'll get hemorrhoids! .... She has a big sports fanatic boyfriend who doesn't know how lucky he is.

"No. When you get done, you cup your crotch and run to the bathroom. It's too gross to lie there in a puddle." Of course, picturing this sweet girl with her cute legs bare and her dark hair in her face running to the bathroom with her hand on her snatch was almost too much for my nasty old imagination. I needed to find a moment to pretend to politely wander to the buffet table and then just go home. I didn't want to make a fool of myself by grabbing a convenient but uncompliant ass and then having to hear about it at the water cooler for months.

"Unless, you just go down on the guy. Do you girls spit or swallow?" Ellie was getting drunk and I could tell she wished she hadn't just revealed herself so much. So she looks innocent but she gave head in college? Or was she just asking because she had heard it was a good way to help a guy out? Or was she as wild in bed as all these other women were in conversation? If Jessie hadn't walked up, things would have gotten awkward.

"Oh god, you've got to swallow! I don't want to risk getting goo all over my makeup!" As I turned to look I found my nose almost buried in Jessie's "cooder." She was a tall, leggy, athletic girl who had bragged earlier about how she and her new boyfriend had done it in the parking lot behind her apartment building. Her sister, whom she rooms with, apparently had seen them from the window ( They were in a convertible!) and had gotten out her digital camera with the zoom lens. Jessie had laughed that she soon would have her own web site if she couldn't figure out a way to blackmail her sis. She had laughed, but I wondered if there hadn't been a hint of worry in her eyes. People in our conservative county don't buy homeowner's insurance from internet porn stars. Oh yeah, we all sell insurance or adjust claims. I investigate fraud. If your garage burns down with your grandma in it, and you stand to collect the life insurance, you'll probably meet me.

Anyway, Jessie was standing next to my chair, swaying slightly from drink, her bikini bottoms nudging my face occasionally as she tried to grip my shoulder to steady herself. Those legs! They were long and strong and there was a little Chinese tattoo above the ankle. She had told me it meant "heat" in Chinese but she had told our boss it meant "honesty" and she had told the guy with the Harley it meant "desire." She wore a t-shirt with a picture of a wave near her taut belly and the words "If it swells, ride it!" emblazoned across her proud tits. That's the word for her body - proud. Her tits, her ass, her shoulders, her lips. her paunch, - they all seemed to be saying, "Look how hot I am. Look at how much you want me."

A blonde staggered up behind her. "Want you to meet my big sis,Martha" Jessie slurred. Martha was a little shorter than Jessie, but the effect was to take all the perkiness and tightness from Jessie's body and make it more voluptuous. Here was a woman who would probably look much better out of her clothes than in the Bermudas and baggy shirt she was wearing. They both sat down at our table, each clutching a Cuba Libre'. As Martha crossed her legs and smiled, I noticed she had a bigger tattoo than Jessie. It was a tattoo of herself, almost naked, her hair dangling down to cover her crotch. Wow.

"You're checking out my sister, you dirty old man," Jessie giggled. Well, I had to admit that tattoo was a knockout. " You know the bigger the tattoo, the sluttier the girl," Jessie spouted and stuck out her tongue at Martha.

"Look, you've got an even bigger tattoo on your back and your ass, and I've got some JPEGS to show anyone who wonders who's the sluttiest." Martha leaned back and recrossed her legs, giving me a quick peak down her baggy Bermudas. I could swear I saw quim. Was she going commando? I had to get out before I got in real trouble.

I could tell this little sisterly sparring could get ugly if someone didn't defuse the situation a little. "Well, after midnight we can all see who has the biggest, the finest, and the most erotic tattoos. We'll all have to get naked. Tomorrow is National Nude Day."

That takes us to the opening line of this story. Of course, although they all had been talking like mattress-back ho's for the last hour, the young people felt awkward when a randy old divorced sad sack like me got into the act. Jessie went to find Harley boy, Ellie said she didn't feel good and ran for the bathroom, and Martha sighed and said something about keeping her sister out of trouble as she wandered away. Alice bit her lip and looked at me from under her bangs. "I hear they've got some great brownies ," she said,"I'm going to find the dessert table." I watched her sway away. Great brownie, indeed.

Well, it was time I left. I'd leave the youngsters to their trash talk and go home and smoke a cigar on the front lawn. The moon was coming out. It would be lonely, now that my son was off to college, but the night was pretty. Staying would just get progressively more awkward.

The cigar was stale and the mosquitoes were hungry, so I ended up inside watching Sports Center. The White Sox had lost again. This was turning into another of a string of depressing nights. Just as I got up to go to bed, right around midnight, the phone rang.

"S'national Nude Day! Where are you?"

"What? Who is this? Jessie?"

"S'Martha.... S'national Nude Day. You're the judge, right? Who sgot the bigges stattoossss!" Martha was hammered, and I heard more drunken hooting in the background. The party must have gotten good after I left. " You can bring a tape measure, or just use your fingers or whatever you've got. Get over here. "

Okay, if I didn't show, I'd be chided as the biggest sissy around the water cooler at work. If I did go, I figured I'd try to corner Martha in a cabana or someplace. At least she didn't work with me. My dad always used to say, "Never shit where you eat." I thought he was disgusting at the time. Now I realize that by "shit" he meant "do shit," and that by "where you eat" he meant at office parties, family picnics, weddings, funerals.... all the places where doing shit would be the most fun but get me in the most trouble.

I arrived to what was really a beautiful tableau. My Alice was stretched out naked on the diving board, her breasts dangling like two pears, her surprisingly shaved pussy just pouting out from between her legs. She smiled and bit her lip. "The brownies were great. Where were you?" She dipped one toe into the pool and I almost fainted with desire. But Alice was off limits if I had any brains in my head.

Ellie was passed out naked on a lounge chair. Her legs were splayed. She had a thin dribble of drool coming out of her mouth. But was that drool? I didn't really want to know.

The sisters were at first wrestling around in the shallow end, dunking each other and calling each other "ho" and "skank." But then, when Jessie picked up Martha to dunk her again, Martha planted a kiss right on her lips. I could see Jessie open her jaw slightly to suck in Martha's tongue. One of her hands drifted to Martha's full breast and cupped it, fondling the nipple between he finger and thumb. Martha, meanwhile, straddled Jessie's hip, and ground her crotch up against her while her hand fell below the water line and between Jessie's thighs. Both women moaned and swayed like they were doing some kind of hula porn. I could have watched and wanked and been happy, but I coughed up a little cigar tar and they looked at me without relinquishing their hold on each other.

"Oh. it's the pervert. Surprised he didn't cum all over himself and pass out watching us." Jessie got meaner and hornier and apparently more lesbian the more she drank. Martha was more inviting.

"S'here to judge the tattoossss. S'national nude day, member? Dj'a bring a tape measure?"

" Figured I'd just use my hands. Here, girls. Just lay over here on these cabana chairs and lets get at it." You know, it occurs to me now that I never thought about where the regional manager might be. I later found out that she was in bed with Jackie and the janitor. The janitor is a well hung but mentally disabled Haitian émigré', so, whatever happened that night never happened, at least according to the memo we got later in the week.

Jessie's Chinese tattoo was only a thumb and a pinky knuckle across, but the Peterbilt semi that started in the small of her back and swerved across both ass cheeks was a monument. I measured one hand, pinky to thumb from the grill to where her ass cheek connected to her hip. Another hand got me three quarters of the way across her left ass cheek and I noticed the art buried itself in her crack only to emerge as the second trailer of a double-haul rig on the other side. At first I measured across the ass crack to the end of the rig. "Three hands and a thumb in length.," I announced, "Now let me check the width!" I stretched my hand and measured across and into the ass crack. My ring finger plunged in up to the first knuckle in her sphincter and my thumb nestled itself in her cunt, which Martha's ministrations had moistened considerably.

" You fucking perv!" She spun so fast she almost dislocated my ring finger and slapped at my head, but I knew it was coming. I grabbed her wrist and held on until she tried to grab my crotch with her other hand. Then I jumped back.

"Whoa! Now who's the pervert? Trying to grab my package in mixed company."

"I was going to rip it out by the roots. You have to be invited to explore this sweet ass and you won't be. Now, what's the final measure?"

"Three hands and a thumb by three quarters of a hand and a knuckle for a total area of 2.5974 square hands. Now Martha, let's see if your even sluttier than 2.5974." I had just made up the number. I knew, no matter what, I was going to declare Jessie the sluttiest just to give us something to laugh about at work. Meanwhile, I would enjoy measuring Martha.

The nearly naked woman on Martha's calf was just a hand and a quarter by an index finger. Her other tattoo was of a piece of cherry pie on her inner thigh, with the wedge nearly touching her pussy lips.

"Martha, your going to lose, but if your tattoos only touched each other, like if they ran from here," I slid my hand from her ankle, at the naked lady's toes, "to here," all the way up her calf, her inner thigh, and into her moist cunt, "you would have won."

"Show me that 'gin," Martha mumbled drunkenly. This time I more slowly caressed my way up, at first bypassing the snatch to fondle her ass cheek and then settling back with my thumb buried in the folds of her slit.

"Oh god, I guess we see who's really the slut now," groaned Jessie as her sister wriggled and smiled at me. "Why don't you two get an air mattress and find a place in the bushes."

Martha giggled, said "'kay" and dragged me and a mattress behind the pool house. I had barely turned to face her before she ripped down my shorts and gorged herself on my already stiffening prick. This, my friends, was a blow job. She grabbed both my ass cheeks and crammed me into her throat. Then she pulled it half out and rammed home again. Her long blond hair fell across my thighs as shepushed me down on the air mattress. She turned around, so I could watch her ass bob up and down as she face-fucked herself. At first I reached up and buried two fingers into her slit, but I realized her sister had already gotten her as loose and lubed as I could want. Then I had a nasty idea.

I asked her to turn back around so I could watch and sat up a little. When she turned, I grabbed her by the back of her head and forced her down on my dick. My hips thrust up as my hands pushed down. She gagged a few times, but, what the fuck? Here was a drunk girl who for some reason had dragged a bald out of shape old lecher behind the cabana. She would hardly know tomorrow what was happening now.

Surprisingly, she responded enthusiastically. Her lips locked on my cock and slurped as she was forced down on it. She grabbed her pussy and shoved three of her own fingers in. I wondered briefly where Jessie had gone, but my mind was on blowing my wad way inside this drunk bitch. "Martha, let's fuck. Let's fuck, please."

Maybe, in retrospect, I did here the click of a digital camera as Martha mounted me and impaled herself on my dick. Maybe, when I had one tit in my mouth and my finger shoved halfway up her ass as her curvy tan body rocked back and forth across my crotch, maybe I might have wondered where the little flashes of light were coming from. But I was busy. She was a sloppy fuck at this stage of inebriation, so we fucked a long time until she came and then I withdrew and rammed my cock into her mouth, holding on to the back of her head as she choked and wriggled until I shot my load . She swallowed. It must have been a family thing.

Three days later, at work, I got an e-mail from Martha. She wondered if she could come with me when I went to pick up the money. She wanted to get her picture in the paper with me, she said. when I asked Jessie what in the hell that meant, she laughed. "Didn't you wonder why a hot woman like Martha would just go down on an old, fat, balding guy she had just met. I mean, she's loose, but there's not enough rum in the world to get her to do you without incentive. So, I lied. I told her you were the guy who won the lottery in the next county. She thought you were worth $39 million. So you got a $39 million dollar blow job and I got pictures of my sister fucking a fat guy. She'll never release those pictures of me in the parking lot, now."

Epilogue - I never told you what "sleeping with a friend" is. Lie across your arm in bed so that you cut off circulation and your hand falls asleep. Then masturbate in that hand. You'll think somebody else is doing it for you. In fact, print out this story, go lay across your arm and try "sleeping with a friend" while you read.