Choices

I don't really know why I try to write, especially for a website like this.

My late friend Lee wrote some, encouraged by her husband Ted that wrote all of the time. I still have boxes of his work, some finished and some just outlines.

He encouraged Lee to try, in turn she encouraged me. Somehow I just ended up doing it, somehow it makes me feel better when I am alone. I can go back and find what I wrote and read them again for the memories.

The real problem is that this site is for material that is sexual in nature and I guess that even at 43 years of age I am still confused about all of that.

It's really strange though. No one knows who I am really, yet writing about some things, or using certain words I would never dream of actually saying out loud brings a blush to my cheeks.

It's a therapy of some kind, I am beginning to understand that. I guess the truth is I write for me, not for anyone else? Yet it still hurts me when someone emails and hates me for what I have to say, even..when I am anonymous?

I'm Sally, readers probably gathered that from the name I used. That was picked out for me by my friend Lee years ago when I tried to write under a name with some numbers but then couldn't find it because I forgot it.

I can't forget "imsally" because I am Sally.

I am a Doctor, that brings a vision of someone who sees sick people or fixes broken bones. But I seldom do that, normally I shuffle papers and make sure the staff has supplies they need. I used to do that, anyway.

My ex-husband Tom talked me into quitting, we moved to the coast. I wrote about some of my experiences earlier. Tom and I were married once before, there were problems and I left him. Then he showed up one day and one thing led to another and we were married again.

Everyone warned me, even people I don't know at all told me but I loved Tom.

I guess deep down inside I still do?

But Tom has things inside him, he does things and wanted us, me rather, to do things I couldn't really deal with.

I am not a prude by any stretch of the imagination, but I can't just "be" with someone just to do it. There should be something more, even if it's just..friendship?

Yet I have in the past in moments of weakness. But I am still a product of my upbringing, sex to me is important, but reserved for someone I care about.

There has to be more and I don't even know for sure what that "more" is? It's all so confusing to me.

I can be sexual, teasing, at least with my man. I did that a lot with my Tom, I delighted in getting him excited, giving him pleasure. Tom doesn't have a large erection, but he gets so hard it is amazing! I love to do that, make him hard and excited. That makes me feel so good!

Tom would love me and then afterwards he would hold me and stroke me for a long time. It was wonderful, I felt so safe and warm.

Since I knew what reaction Tom would have, that type of thing is easy. But with someone I don't know, I think that there is the fear of rejection, perhaps?

I am in pretty good shape for my age, my body is now snug and as firm as it will ever get. I like my upper body, I was blessed with a fair size of well shaped breasts. For many years I fought my lower body, clothes had to be just right or my behind would look oversize.

Then there was that silly bike Tom got for me to save on wear to my van. I rode that not even realizing it was exactly what I needed to do. A few short months of that and I felt like a different woman, the oversize rear end just went away, replaced by muscle.

I kept the bike, I still have that. I ride the six miles down to a tiny little town between my house and Portland, there is a store and a cafe there, most of the distance is downhill so I just coast along. Then I ride back, of course that is uphill and I am always sweating by the time I get to my house, even when it is cold outside.

My last story should have been called Full Circle, I just did come full circle. I bought the very same house I sold when Tom and I moved, I work in the same clinic I worked at before. Not as the Administrator, just on the line working with clients. One day I will get my old job back, right now Cheryl that used to be my assistant has my old job.

That part seems odd, I admit. One of my former staff is now my supervisor.

I started dating a man named Terry, he was the real estate broker I used to buy my old house back and another one I bought first that I now rent out.

One thing led to another there and he asked me out. I half expected him to make some kind of a move but he didn't, we just went out a few times. I was even prepared to resist at first until I got to know him, then when I felt that maybe he was all right and I was...I guess the word is..ready?

He still didn't make any kind of real move, just kissed me goodnight and left. We got home on our 5th date and he started to kiss me goodnight again. I decided, so I asked him if he would like to come in.

A lady has to do what a lady has to do, I guess. I was missing being with someone by then.

He sat on the couch as I made and served some tea. I could see he was unsure even at this point, some men are that way. There was nothing else for a girl to do but take over, I guess.

I reached over and turned the lights down low, then sat next to him and leaned in for a kiss. By the time I had his shirt unbuttoned and was flicking his left nipple with the tip of my tongue he got the message.

It didn't take him very long after that and he had my blouse off, then he slid my skirt down and off. All I had on by this time was a light blue pair of panties. Terry nuzzled my breasts, sucked on one of my nipples, and felt between my legs a couple of minutes. Then he slid my panties off and lay me back. I was hoping maybe he would lick me and nuzzle some more me but he didn't.

Terry was so much bigger than Tom it took me several seconds and some deep breaths to relax enough for him to slid inside me. Finally he was, and just as I settled down and got comfortable I felt him let go. Then he pulled out and rolled over, lay there with his eyes closed. He seemed eager to dress and go home after that, too.

We went out just one more time, with the same results. Terry quit calling after I made excuses several times. Terry actually was nice but I needed more than he could ever give and I knew that.

I just went back to my work and my life. I could write and say there was a string of men, one after the other. There wasn't, it has never been that way in my life. Sure, I now felt that I had a pretty good body, but being 43 and on the plain side it isn't easy to attract men.

I went a full month just working and going home. I wrote the last story but it sat there in preview for a very long time before I got back to it. I wanted something to happen that would be sexy, interesting. But what I wrote is all there was, just a piece of my life.

That writing thing, that therapy again. It seems to work. I feel better putting it all down.

The next thing that happened is a little bit funny now but it wasn't at the time. My house has a big deck out back, in fact it is way bigger than common sense would suggest. I like it though, it has a builtin barbeque that I have never used, nice deck chairs and on warm days lots of light reaches it even though there are large trees around.

It is nice and private, too. I sometimes go out there and sit and watch the birds, sipping tea with some soft music playing. It is peaceful to sit out there in the sunlight, quiet with nature all around.

I was doing just that, it was the middle of the week and I had taken the morning off to do some paperwork. By afternoon I was all done so I went outside and sat in the recliner. It was a warm day, so I took off my blouse, then on impulse I took off my jeans. I lay back in just my panties and let the sunlight wash over me. It felt good, I dozed off.

I woke with a start, and realized a man was standing there. He had climbed up the side steps, the meter for my house is located in the back by the deck. He was there to do some kind of changeover to a different type of meter that they can read from the office.

There I sat with my breasts bare wearing nothing but a pair of thin white panties. I quickly reached for my blouse and covered up as he stammered an apology and tried to explain about the meter. I saw he was trying to not look at me but failing miserably.

"It's all right, I didn't expect anyone." I told him.

"I can come back later." He said, his face bright red.

"It's OK, go ahead. I will just go inside." I got up and went into the house, very aware that he could see my bare back and all but bare behind.

I am sure I twitched my fanny as I walked away.

It didn't take very long, he fiddled with the meter and then left. Somehow being caught like that excited me, I felt myself flush and then get damp. I looked outside and the man was gone, so I went back out.

I felt confused, that excited me but made my face flame at the same time. I lay back down, then thought about it and reached down and slid my panties off. I lay back again with a shudder, closed my eyes and imagined being caught like that again. Gloriously and completely naked!

But all there was was the soft sigh of the wind in the branches and the sounds of birds.

I know, silly and not any real big deal, but somehow it made me feel aware of myself. I dozed off and had a clear dream of Tom and I snuggled up, with him just holding me. That is the best time of sex for me, if that makes any sense. Then I was jerked out of the dream by the telephone.

I ran to answer it, thinking it was the office wanting something.

It was Tom.

My heart skipped a beat.

I know. I know. But I couldn't help that. I was standing there completely naked in my living room talking to my ex husband that I should have been upset with and all I could do was feel fluttery.

"Hi, Sally. I just wanted to talk to you. Are you all right, is everything OK?"

I took a deep breath.

"Yes, I am fine. I have the day off."

"I know, I called the office."

"So what do you want, Tom?" I had myself under control now.

"Just to talk, I miss you."

"Well, I miss you too, Tom." I blurted out before I could stop myself.

"How about I come and pick you up, we can have a nice dinner?"

"No, Tom. I don't want to get back into that."

"Sally, I won't bother you about that. I am sorry, I just thought..."

"I can't, Tom. I just can't." I hung up and sat down and cried.

I went back to work the next day, just back to everything normal. The work isn't hard, nearly every client is well and only there for a checkup. The HMO gives us 15 minutes to interview, it isn't enough time. I typically run an hour behind by the end of the day so Cheryl lets me lock up after the last patient.

I run the usual temperature and blood pressure tests, then with the women clients there is a quick breast exam feeling for lumps. We also check for spots or suspicious looking growths in areas where they can't see themselves. With most there is a pelvic, more questions. Make some notes and then go to the next one.

The male clients are more interesting to me, after the questions and first inspection I sit in my little roller chair in front of them and feel their testicles for lumps or anything abnormal. The ones that are not circumsized I use two fingers to slide them back and check the head for signs of anything. Then I do the rectal exam.

I suppose some here would think that men would instantly erect, they don't. Oh, it does happen but very rarely, since it is all rather clinical.

I was running later than normal one afternoon a few weeks ago, at 5 PM Cheryl told me she was leaving and I could lock up. I still had two patients in the waiting room, a woman around 60 and a man about my age. There was another older man in there to see another of my office partners, she came to get him just as I came out to call the lady in. I spotted the man tapping his foot in impatience, so I apologized and told him he was next.

He smiled and nodded. I checked out the older lady, she was in apparent good health so I asked about any vaginal concerns and she said she had none so I skipped the pelvic. She left and I went and got the man, reading his chart. Just then my office partner came out and told me good evening and left.

I showed him into my little office, he sat on the edge of the table. I looked at the chart again, there is a drawing of a human body on the sheet and he had circled his pelvic region.

I have seen men do that before and normally I find nothing wrong at all. Actually, those are the ones that are fun for me. If they are reasonably attractive, I like to tease them some because they are so obvious about it. I will look at their genitals, hold their penis a bit longer that necessary, then sometimes I will take my sweet time with the rectal exam too. Like I said at the outset, I wouldn't want anyone who really knew me to know some of these things about me. But I do like men, and I do like to tease them and look at them, it gives me a feeling of...power?

I suspected this man would be like that, so I was prepared. For one thing, I knew it was just the two of us in the office, and while I wasn't too concerned since we had the files, still I was careful.

I looked at him closely, he looked perfectly normal. Slightly balding, there was a large mole above one eyebrow that I checked carefully. He answered that it had been there all his life when I asked.

Then I had him strip down, glancing at the chart to get his name, Benjamin Miller. I busied myself at the sink washing my hands, turning my back as he undressed.

When I sensed that he had sat back down on the table I turned and he sat there naked. That was a surprise, normally clients slip on the paper gown even though it doesn't do much good. I hadn't told him though, I just assumed he would do it. I glanced at the dressing gown laying across the table, he caught my look.

"Oh, sorry. Did you want me to use that?" He asked.

"No problem, I have seen naked men before." I managed to collect myself, and pulled on a fresh pair of gloves.

I looked his body over carefully, had him turn on his side so I could inspect his back and even between his butt cheeks. Everything looked fine, so I had him sit back up.

"I noticed you circled your pelvis on the chart, what concerns do you have?" I asked, sitting in the roller chair and scooting up close.

"I get headaches when I....orgasm." He said.

"How often, and how long have you noticed that?"

"Not every time, and just the last few weeks." He answered.

I had him lay back and checked the sides of his neck for brewies, he seemed clear. Then I had him sit back up and felt his testicles, they were normal and evenly formed. His penis twitched slightly when I did that. I noticed he was about average, perhaps six inches or so and uncircumsized. I reached down and slid his foreskin back, everything looked normal but he began to erect.

I rolled his foreskin back into place and let go. I had him turn over and inspected his prostate, that was fine too but now he was fully erect. He turned back to a sitting position, his penis was now jutting out and had swelled considerably in size.

I took a deep breath, my body was beginning to betray me.

"Orgasmic headaches are actually fairly common." I told him.

"Men seem to get them more frequently than women, they are usually related to fine blood vessels in the brain. About one person out of a hundred or so will experience them in a lifetime."

"So what do I do about it?" He asked me.

"Nothing, really. Perhaps take an aspirin before sex with your partner might help, but the problem normally goes away by itself."

He nodded, but didn't seem convinced.

"It only happens when I......" He actually blushed slightly.

"Masturbate?" I finished for him.

"Yes, I don't have a girl friend right now." He looked down.

"You might try finding one, usually sex with someone else doesn't cause the problem, at least not as severe."

I looked again at my chart, Ben's blood pressure was a perfect 120/70. All his other tests were normal, healthy.

I smiled at him.

"Can we try a little test?" I asked him.

"I guess so, what?"

"Let's try giving you an orgasm, then I can retake your blood pressure."

"I...Uhh..guess so. Can you do that?" He looked at me in surprise.

"Of course. I am a doctor, we need to find out what is happening."

He blinked a couple of times but didn't say anything.

I reached down and took ahold of his penis, it was still completely firm. I began a few simple strokes, he closed his eyes. He had swelled to nearly twice the size he was when relaxed, I applied more pressure and his eyelids fluttered.

I felt him begin to tense up, so I reached for a nearby towel as I continued to stroke him. Then his mouth came open and the first spurt let go. I quickly moved the towel into position and caught his seed as he let loose with several ropey blasts. There was a lot of it. As he began to soften, I slipped the cuff on his arm and took his pressure, he had jumped to 160/100, still perfectly normal.

"No headache that time?"

"Just a little bit." He opened his eyes and looked at me. Then he smiled.

"You are a different kind of doctor, aren't you?" He grinned at me as he reached for his clothing.

"I am just trying to help." I smiled back.

"I should come back for another checkup."

"Mr. Miller, this isn't a regular type of thing."

"I didn't think so." He said, fastening his pants and reaching for his shirt.

"How about I buy you dinner?" He asked.

My mouth opened to tell him I don't date clients, but "OK." came out.

"Great, you are done for the day, right?"

"Yes." We walked out, I locked the door and we crossed the parking lot to his car.

I was wondering just what the hell I thought I was doing?

We drove a couple of miles to a nearby cafe, had a simple meal. We chatted like we had just met and were making friends, not like I had just masturbated him to a climax in my office.

Back in his car, we pulled into the parking lot at the clinic. I thanked him for the nice dinner, started to get out.

"Sally?" He asked.

I stopped and looked back at him.

"I would really like it if you came home with me."

I looked at him and thought about it.

"OK." I said, and got back in his car. It was a 30 minute drive to Ben's house. I felt nervous all the way, but excited too. He opened the door for me and we went inside. His home was well furnished, neat as a pin. He showed me to the couch, went and poured two glasses of wine and came back out to sit beside me.

"You are fun to be with." He said as he leaned in for a kiss, sliding his left arm across my shoulders. I kissed him back, felt his hand come up to stroke my ribcage. Then he reached up and fondled my right breast.

I began to unbutton his shirt as he worked on my blouse, then he slipped his hand inside and fondled me. I wasn't wearing a bra, I had been going without for some time now. I sighed as his fingertips teased across my nipple, then he leaned down and suckled the tip into his mouth. Waves of pleasure washed over me.

I reached down and tripped the catch on his pants, tugging at them as he lifted his hips to help me. Then he was tugging at mine.

He stood up and stepped out of his pants, his erection was jutting out, swollen and large looking. I leaned forward and slid the head into my mouth, sucking on him firmly. Then I leaned back and looked at him.

Ben smiled, reached down and picked my naked body up and carried me into the bedroom easily. He lay me back, opened my legs and pressed his lips to me. I felt the first small orgasm wash over me, then his tongue lashed at me and I had another more powerful one.

I wanted him in me, I tugged at him, pulling his body up and over me. I felt the head of his cock press and probe, then finding my wetness he slid in partially and paused as I adjusted.