Lost in a Lonely World - Epilogue

Roger sat down to read the last letter that his father wrote to him before he died. It had been a week since he was buried.

Roger and Sue,

You are reading this and it means that I am no longer in this world. You must be wondering why I wrote this letter even after dismissing all of you that Saturday. You must have some idea why I did what I did that Saturday. I was dying and I did not want to go from this world longing for another minute, another hour with my children and grand children. I did not want to see the pain of losing me in your eyes every day. I had asked for all of you to be informed of my death immediately so that you could see me for the last time and forgive me for turning you away.

I always wanted to make myself believe that I was a senile bitter man but I knew in my heart I was a broken man who was waiting for his death ever since the day he lost his children. Trust me when I tell you that I would have accepted all of you, even Darin, had you come to me before I found out about my terminal illness. Now that you will inherit my estate you will realize that despite having two big ass televisions in the house, and a house that was wired for sound, I never had cable TV or DVD movies nor did I have a single music CD. All colour, all music were snatched from my life when my children kicked me to the curb.

I did have the home videos that the three of you left behind when you moved out and I had them converted to DVD and kept playing them for 10 long years. During the last days of your mother's cheating I had put a tap on the phone and I had hours of recordings of you, my children, talking to their friends, these were the only sounds that played in the house. When I heard your voices I was able to pretend for a moment that you were still around.

I know you must be thinking what pathetic loser lives his life like that. My answer is no one lives like that and neither did I. I died the day I found the gifts l sent to Sue left at my doorsteps. I have been existing but only because I was too weak to take my own life. I know this letter will give you many sleepless nights but really, you were just kids who did not know better. Don't beat yourself over it.

I have lived through many nights when I would think that people offered mercy to rabid dogs and hoped that my children would even show as much mercy on their father who was dying all alone in his empty house, but after some time even that hope faded. I remember, my father took my face in his hand on his deathbed and told me that he knew that his values, his thoughts would live on in this world till such time as I walked the earth and that gave him a shot at immortality because these same values would live on in my children too.

I am no different than the two of you — I have failed my father too. I was not man enough to keep my wife and children with me and missed the chance to pass on his legacy to my son. My father lost out at his immortality because I could not be much of a father to my children. I guess, he will forgive me when we meet in after life, he loves me too much to stay mad at me forever. That said, I was not mad at either of you. I too loved you way too much to be mad at you forever. I am a proud man and have never begged for anything from anyone but god. I guess I was too proud to seek another chance to connect with my family. My weakness came down on you dearly and for that I am sorry. I was older and wiser, I should have done something to bring us together, even if as ex-family.

I cried that Saturday after all of you left. I cried because I was still too proud to let you guys know how much pain I was in. I cried because I was helpless in front of this tumor. I cried because when my children gave me a chance, god took away any chance of a life from me. I cried most of all because I knew it would be the last time I would ever see your sweet faces. How I longed to hold my children and my grandchild in my arms and feel complete again but I knew once the dam broke, there was nothing to stop me.

I have left some money for the four of you, for Roger, for Sue, for Roger's wife (I am sorry but her name slips my memory) and my grandson who I never knew the name of. I hope you spend it wisely and this helps you. I was left all alone because I did not have enough money and I vowed that day I would leave you with a lot of money, at least I achieved one goal I set for myself in my lifetime. Cry for me for a few days and miss me despite never having me around. Tell Wendy and Darin I am grateful to them for bring the two of you up as such fine people. I am sure that I am at peace now after the last time your loving eyes caressed my face before I got buried.

Just remember that I loved you very much and your daddy was not angry with you when he died. Maybe I lived alone but I went to the ground surrounded by people I loved.

I always missed the two of you.

Love,

Dad

Roger was crying hysterically when he finished reading the letter. When his father died he was away in Bahamas with Wendy, Darin, Sue, Sue's Husband, Amanda (whose name his father could not recall) and David Roger Gray (David for his grandfather and Roger for his great-grandfather). They came back to the US only after his father's body was laid to rest. Roger cried that his father did not live or go to his grave surrounded by people he so madly loved. He cried for a lifetime of missed opportunities. He cried because he did not want to miss any chance to do what his father told him.

He promised that he would instill the values of family loyalty and integrity in his son. He would ensure that his father became immortal. Only, he didn't know how!