- Non-Erotic Poetry
- And The Desert Framed Her
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Click hereI tripped on her legs before I sighted her,
her satin skirt pulled up, panties gone
maggots tumbling from her mouth
and I wonder as I run for help
if someone is longing for her to phone?
This is a reworking of an earlier poem. Check it out, see what you think. http://www.literotica.com/p/and-the-desert-rose-up-to-frame-her
- COMMENTS
UnderYourSpellabout 13 years agoI think if you're going to rewrite the original you need something between the two with more elaboration on this one
bulltlrabout 13 years agoI like the new version
but I prefer
short to the point
poetry
very well done
buttersabout 13 years agobecause you've lost what was, for me, the superb visuals you created with lines like these... filled with colour, filled with originality in its language (hope it's ok to post them here):
whilst watching her posing white against the ginger soil.
was she pretending to be an arum lily in a bouquet wrapped in foil?
whilst she lay in the desert, on her back lazily
one arm permanently waving the other,
the perfect sunbather; she had been put down,
and now she was not getting any browner,
nor older in her emerald ball gown,
pulled up around her waist,
her panties torn,
her legs in the form of an piercing p.
for me, what you have in these lines is where the poem's at, not the weaker maggots/satin dress/phone home abbreviated version. if you want to focus on one area to compact, it would be better to go here rather than where you did. just my opinion x
theognisabout 13 years agothe thought in the last line of her never, ever calling someone who might be longing to hear from her is far more horrible than the sight of mere maggots, even if they do tumble from her mouth. But I understand everyone has a different definition of horror.
theognisabout 13 years agoPerhaps the last line is better as it is, but the meaning of my suggestion is the same. It's just differently worded, and shorter.
