Thoughts to Self

Years ago in a time when I was lost,
I found a beacon, a reason for being.
before that I had not the capacity to love,
nor could I understand the feelings that were to come.
Feelings like a slow burning fire ignited in my heart
for years softly fanned and held inside.
For my love to another was promised.
A friends love was all I could afford,
and that I could not hide.
A soft candle's fire shed its light and warmth to the closest around,
love did abound.
It was Innocent love, naive to think
this love bound by longing would sustain my soul,
and satisfy the flames that threatened inside.

Then I saw my passion returned.
The fire which had burned so long in my heart
In that moment let loose with a furious vigor.
My soul's fire spread though all I saw and touched
and I was fully engulfed by the flames within.
The fire grew at an insatiable rate,
that love filled my every fiber and I was utterly consumed.
My love was fully bloomed and I was bathed in bright flame
surrounded by the warmth of my love.

Faster than it burst forth those flames where stamped out.
Taken away by protective unknowing hands
thinking my love was some kind of sinister plan.
Twisted is this world where love
is the evil from which you must be protected.
With my love taken by her own misguided choice,
with devotion and in solemn voice I obeyed
and denied my soul question or reason,
A promise to never speak again.

No time for remorse or grief
no one to give consolation or relief.
I must maintain strength of face for all to see,
this mask my face to replace.
Surely my love could not be deceived to betray me,
and yet the words did ring in my ears
like sharp blades of cutting glass.
Alone in the dark quiet night, drowning in my tears.
The fire of my soul had no air to breath and no fuel to burn,
and the years softly faded away.
Nothing left now but scars
that sing of wounds now callused and well defined.
Like all fires of great intensity when it went out,
I was left a pile of smoldering ash.
The heat was still there but the fire no longer burned.
I died that day,
When the flames where pulled away
and as slow as the flames began so too
did it take years for the embers to lose all heat.
A heat, I could not escape nor proclaim
I had not the words for the deep wounds in my soul,
Nor any in whom I could impart the agony of my toll.

Years passed and for me no love would last,
never knowing what I had done
to loose the one who had my all.

Then one day my love was returned.
With a question from far off “is this you? Could it possibly be?”
with gentled words did I respond in kind “its true, it is me you see.”
Years, oh so many years so many tears.
The fire wants to be reborn.
But there is nought but cinders left to burn
no fuel for this fire to consume.
Love that most powerful thing, that will never die,
but I will not lie.
On that day, so many years ago
I died,
feelings lost to pain and grief,
confusion and distain and now, now I am numb.
Numb and cold like a frozen flame
trapped in fridged ice, lost to an endless sea.
This if it is so, let it be my destiny.
Lost adrift, to a cold, and lonely endless sea.