Empty Stocking

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
All of them filled with love and not bare.
Except one, that hung alone by itself
In the morning was empty, hanging from the shelf.
Santa came and filled them with trinkets and treasures,
All filled with love that no one can measure.
Little things, favorites, none cost a lot.
When one little girl said "Santa forgot!"
"Mommy! your stocking! See, it's empty!"
"Look here! everyone else's has plenty!"
"Mommy, you must have been naughty, I think."
I fought back the tears with a blink.
"It's ok, it's alright, Santa was in a hurry.
I'm fixing breakfast. Try not to worry."
The things I did not get do not matter, but I'm hurt and I'm sad.
My littlest girl thinks her mommy was bad.
See, she still believes that Santa is real.....
And that's not a truth I'm ready to reveal.

The watch, it is beautiful, it was desired.
The wagon, I needed, I can tell you were inspired.
I appreciate everything I've ever gotten and more,
I'm saying it now, in case I haven't said it before.
Tomorrow's a new day, and soon a new year,
But then again, next Christmas, you won't be here.
Please, i hope you understand.
This, this is not what I had planned.

Remember the year I slept in a stocking?
I woke up Christmas morning to your mocking.
It took many years to feel comfortable, outgoing
And I thought this was the year, I'll try and be showing.
I just wanted to be fun, sexy, and flirty,
Sexy fun doesn't always have to be dirty.
So, instead of just one being hurt, it is two
I didn't know it would fall through.
I hurt you, I'm sorry, it was not my intention.
I just wanted you...and your attention.
The harder I try, the harder I fall
Then I do nothing, nothing but bawl.
My hurt feelings make you angry, defensive;
And everything that comes out of my mouth is offensive.
That's not what I wanted! I needed to gather my thoughts,
But what i didn't want, we did anyways, fought.
Because you said "tell me!" and I did.....
I wish my thoughts had a lid.
Everything I said was all wrong!
I was trying, trying to be strong.
But, when I say "you" I mean me,
Because this is MY insecurity.

I guess I could go back to ignoring my wants and my needing
I just feel that being that way is misleading.
If I say nothing, then how do you know?
If I say nothing, If I just let it go?
If I do say something, and you don't react
I think you don't care, my armor is cracked.
I don't know what to do or say that will make it all better,
So I just put it all in this letter.

If I send this I'm taking another chance you'll be mad,
Despite what you might think, it does not make me glad.

I just wanted some candles and romance
And maybe by the fire, we could dance.
We could laugh, we could talk, you could call me sweetie
I thought that maybe you would tell me I'm pretty.
I wanted to be close, to be all that mattered.
A little of your time, just us, I thought you'd be flattered.
Some of these things are thing I've always wanted,
And these are wants that leave me feeling haunted.
Catching you off guard was not right and unfair,
Putting you on the spot, completely unaware.
I didn't mean to make you feel pressured,
Really, I wanted you to feel treasured.
Which happens to be the way I wanted to feel,
Not something forced or fake, but real.
There never seems to be a good time for me to be brash
Whenever I am, we just seem to clash.

I know I ruined it by being selfish and silly,
You think all I think about is your Willie.
That's not true, not exact,
Intimacy is more accurate.
To share something with me that you share with no other,
Something special to take with you, that you would remember.
So, if anything, remember I tried, and I know you did too
Really, I'm not mad at you.
My effort was a reflection of how special you are,
not just something you can get at a bar.
I won't try again, the fear is too great.
I won't do that to you again, you don't have to wait.
I'm sorry you were embarrassed and then mad,
I'm sorry I was embarrassed and sad.
I love you, I do.
I'm done fighting too.