All Comments on 'The Awakening Ch. 01-10'

What an interesting story. It took me a bit to get used to your writing style. I almost quit at one point, but I'm glad I kept going. I'm interested to see where you go with this and look forward to reading the next chapter.

Very nice edited version, but dont forget the next part! I want to read more of the story!

It's clear you have a great story to tell! I am writing my first story as you know, so my comment isn't worth much, but it seems obvious that you have very well defined characters in your mind. I must say though, you scared me at the beginning - I think you did too good a job at making Amra child-like/mentally delayed and it genuinely worried me that as his carer, she'd be taking advantage of him. I crossed my fingers and you delivered, but I felt quite uncomfortable until then lol.

Thank you!!!

Good keep going

I like this story very much! The plot is very good! I usually see the twists and turns but you had me on the edge of my seat! Very good!

the direct speach.

In no published text you will get the

P : "Blablabla"

C :"Blablabla"

E :"Blablabla"

C :"Blablabla"

etc that you are doing.

That's how you write a movie script, but not a literary text.

Get yourself your favourite novel and see how the author does direct speech. And then try to emulate it. You don't need an editor for that.

Except for the connoiseurs of screenplay and theatre scripts this is unreadable. I found the premises of this story interesting, but unless you use normal literary direct speech I can't and won't read more than half a page of it.

I don't want to be discouraging by any means. I think the story could be great.

But.. I agree with the previous poster. I have tried to read and reread this story as I know this would be something I could sink my teeth into, if I could just get past it reading like a play. I tried to ignore the names and just read it as a book, but it just didn't work. Unfortunately it is just too disjointed for me to continue with at this stage. Please stick with writing. You have a talent.

To make the dialogue sound less stilted is writing "I'm" instead of "I am"; "you're" instead of "you are"

Sadly I will never know because I can't get past the first page on account of how ridiculous the dialogue is. Please for the love of God change it so I can come back to this story when it is actually readable.

No no no no, don't do that to your dialogue. It looks like script to a movie, and is so hard to read, I can't keep in the story.

Here is a very confusing sentence on your first page and a suggested improvement:

I had a very cryptic denial to reveal any information about your work with your previous employer,

Your previous employer refused--very cryptically--to reveal any information about your work there.

Why would she have changed first and last names while in foster care? AFAIK it isn't done, the foster children keep their own names.

@Strixaluco I actually wrote that because a friend of mine was a foster child and changed her name when she turned 19.