by Finis
One of the best stories on this site for a long time. Very nicely done. (You misspelled epilogue.)
Ugh, how did that get through.
I'll see if I can post an update that fixes it. thank you!
Kept my interest through all of the formatting, spelling and grammatical errors. Good twists and turns and a sad/happy ending. I wish you hadn't included the long intro in each chapter--it should have only been in the first, in my opinion.
This is the best story that I have read on this entire site. If I had any complaints they would be that I would have liked to have read more about at the end of the day how he made up with Abby when she came home. When she left she was upset, with reason, and she seemed to have some insecurities with her relationship with Jack, once again with reason.
It is a very minor point at best does nothing to detract from the story, it's just that I like reading about Jack and Abby's relationship and would like to know that everything is good between them after this incident. My only other complaint would be that I wish that the story wasn't over. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Excellent job!
This was a great story, full of poignant moments and a highly emotional ending. I guess the twists and dramatic ending were warranted. I'm not too sure about the grammatical errors but, if you were to clean them up (and the spelling errors!), this story would certainly qualify for self-publishing. Hopefully, based on some of the user feedback about the story and writing quality, you will get a publisher to pay you some good money to do it! Best of luck and hoping for new stories. I'm sure it's tough to write even one.
Great story, very enjoyable read, but as usual with good stories, it ended. Now seriously, I know it has to end, but I always hope for just a few more chapters to start off my day with a smile. There were a few parts of the story that I didn't like, one of them was Jack being a total butt head when Abby went off to NY for the internship. I mean, no calls at all, really?????????????? that is how you treat the woman you supposedly love?? Of course that lead to the interlude with Beth, which was kind of like notching the last one on the bed post and then Beth being killed by her nutcase ex boy friend. All of that seemed like it was added for drama and detracted from the story for me. But, this was clearly a five star story and if you want to write another great unpublished novel, I volunteer to read it for you. -:)
an emotional roller coaster ride, to show what impact our choices and actions can have on our life and future, great work and a joy to read
To be perfectly honest, this reader considers this the best on this web site yet. The publishers were fools in rejecting it. Bravo!
This was a fabulous story. I couldn't put this down. I am sorry no one published outside of Literotica. Thanks Literotica for providing the forum for stories such as this. There are tears in my eyes. James
This is by far the best I have read on this site. I thought I had read the good ones, but that was the best. Please write more. Even more about Jack if you want
I just read all 19 chapters and enjoyed this story. I wish there were more chapters coming that tell of the 11 years up to the point of the end. I had a feeling that lizzy would be beth's daughter just because of their names but couldn't figure out who was going to be his wife.
I look forward to reading more of your stories and like that you finished it quickly because I hate trying to keep up with stories for years. I always lose interest and have to start all over just to get caught up.
Thank you for making the case that owning and keeping ready access to a gun is a good idea. God, your ending is so stupid in so many ways.
Why would King Kong Kurt think he needed a gun? He eats guys like Jack for breakfast. He knows Jack is afraid of guns, just like his father. Being drunk, he now thinks he's invincible. Kurt + Gun = stupid plot device. But there's more!
Beth lived with Kurt. So she should have known he had a gun. Think she might have mentioned that in all this hiding from Kurt? Thought she had a restraining order against Kurt for domestic violence, in California? Pretty sure they confiscate any firearms from domestic offenders under an active restraining order. But you can buy a gun on the street, if you have enough money. Why would someone as big and mean as Kurt think he needed a gun? But there's more!
It is implied that Jack does not own a gun, and its for political reasons, or maybe that he was just indoctrinated against guns by his father. Can't be that Jack is against violence, he wanted to rip Kurt's throat out. He also want's to be James fucking Bond, who regularly killed people, with guns. No, its because Jack, and like minded gun bigots, don't understand the value of a gun, until they need one. I wonder what Jack would have given to be a trained gun owner as he descended the stairs and found Kurt holding a gun on Beth and Lizzy? Oh, right, someone as stupid as Jack probably would have told Kurt to drop his gun. Someone smart enough to own a gun would dial 911 first, then creep quietly down the steps with his firearm at the ready, and as soon as he saw Kurt holding the gun on Beth, he would have taken careful aim and shot at the largest critical target that Kurt presented, either the side of his head or his chest. Oh, Kurt's gun might have gone off and killed Beth, or Lizzy, or, oh my gosh, who knows who? Did you read the story? Beth's dead anyway. And if Jack had shot Kurt in the side of the head there wouldn't be any brain left to send a signal to Kurt's trigger finger. Watch the youtube video of a sniper putting a bullet through a thugs right eye while he was holding a revolver to the head of a female hostage. Not much trigger pulling going to happen after his brain is blown out the back of his skull. But wait, there's more!
Why is Jack's house alarm silent? Maybe he's afraid an intruder might be spooked by the ear splitting noise and run back out of the house? Or maybe he doesn't want a criminal to know that he better get the fuck out because the police are coming? More stupidity. And he knows the police can't get there for at least 7 minutes. How long does he thinks it would take an intruder to kill, rape, dismember, maim for life, etc. Jack's failure to use his supposedly Valedictorian brain just keeps getting dumber and dumber.
I could go on of course. Why would Beth struggle with Kurt to begin with, and why outside the door since they are safely departing? But you've been making Beth do stupid stuff for some time. And you had to kill Beth somehow. So I guess this is as good as any.
But I am surprised you did not include the final ending to this story, that will happen when Kurt eventually gets out on parole (gotta love the Californian compassion for criminals). Jack will stay as stupid as he has been, despite Kurt's lesson about needing some means of self defense. Stan will offer to teach Jack how to use a firearm but Jack will refuse, in honor of his wimp dad. Jack's Mom will already have her concealed carry permit and will be embarrassed to remember she ever thought Jack's father was a real man. Stan will have fucked most of her previous husband's memory out of her system by now. Kurt will reappear one day, without a gun (he doesn't need one against the defenseless Jack) and proceed to kill or injure everyone he thinks wronged him. Lizzy will end Kurt's life with a large kitchen knife as he is strangling Abby to death, thus avenging the death of her birth mother. If Abbey is lucky Jack will already be dead. Stan will fix Abbey up with one of his nephews who used to be a Navy Seal and they will live happily, and safely, ever after. Or not. Who really gives a shit about any of these characters by this point? Pathetic.
The idiotic comment by the "brave" individual who refuses to give his name saying that the end was "stupid" because Kurt had a gun and Jack doesn't, boggles the mind.
1) Why did Kurt have a gun if he was so big and bad? Maybe because he didn't know if Jack had one in his home, and also maybe he thought he could force Beth to go with him with less resistance by her, Jack, and Abby if he had a gun.
2) Why didn't Beth warn anyone that Kurt had a gun? Well genius, maybe he caught it after they split up. She hadn't seen him for nearly a year if not more. DUH!
3) Why didn't Jack have a gun and why was he so anti-gun? Another moronic "point". Believe it or not, many people do not own firearms. I don't believe that anywhere in the story it mentioned that Jack or his father was anti-gun. By the way, I DO own firearms, and am a member of the NRA, but I don't think that someone should be attacked for not owning a firearm. This point is just stupid.
4) Why did Beth wait until she was outside before she finally started to fight Kurt? Hey genius, think that maybe she was afraid that her baby or her friends might get killed if she fought him inside the house? As for why she fought him at all, that is a personal decision that anyone who is being kidnapped in a situation has to make. May experts have advised that under no circumstance get into the car in a situation like that. If you are going to fight them, do it before you get in the car.
In conclusion, this is the most asinine criticism of the story that I can imagine.
Totally pointless rant from another anon. I loved this story, it could've had a different ending but that's probably me wishing everything should end in sunshine and rainbows. My favourite would've been if jack got all of them in the end but that's just wishful thinking. Anyhow, thank you finis for a beautiful and entertaining read.
But please do not feed the trolls.
This person, whoever they are, has no real criticisms, they just want to leave bad reviews for whatever reason. Preciously they criticized Jack ending up friends with Todd as my endorsement of bullying. They really are just reaching and talking out their ass for the sole purpose of being negative. The most amusing part (to me) is that there are genuine critiques that could be made (and believe me, I know this story is not perfect) but this person apparently lacks the insight to make them. They focus on strange things and obsess over them.
My advice: ignore them. I have to read the comments because Lit requires authors to moderate their own story threads for rule violations (links outside the site, etc). But none of the rest of you have too. I could delete these comments if I chose, but they are so silly, I'm confident anyone with half a brain sees right through them. Besides, censoring trolls just encourages/validates them.
Anonymity is a large factor in a site like this and I respect the people that wish to remain so, but still have the desire to comment on stories This is why I leave anonymous commenting turned on.
I really appreciate everyone that takes the time to comment on this story. I wrote Jack four years ago, and had given up on the story as being unreadable/sellable. I am so glad to have been proven wrong by you guys. I'm very flattered and humbled by your praise, and I am deeply conscious of the (valid) criticisms I've read. No one is more aware than I of the flaws left in the manuscript.
I believe it was Disney who said (and he may have been quoting someone else) that, "No story is ever finished by the writer, just released."
I've been obsessing and nitpicking this story for years, it was time to release it. I have moved on to other projects. Not all of my stories are suitable for Literotica, but after the warm responses I've received here, any future ones that are will end up here when I'm ready to release them.
Thank you all.
-Finis
I give it five.
One goal of the author is to use words to make other people feel some emotion.
You, Finis, made me like your Jack. When Jack treated his friends badly, I felt disappointed and angry with him.
I reveled in his successes. I cried. I laughed. Your words made me feel something.
I say, "Well done, Finis!"
I hope to see more of your work.. Thanks for writing and for sharing with the rest of us. ~Rick
Read all of it almost couldn't put it down. Only comment, I don't think you needed to full disclaimer on every chapter. Publishers are crazy, they should pick this up. Look forward to your next one. Steve
Well done, well written. Good plot. I kind of guessed at some point the child was Beth's but had no clue how and why (well how is obvious). This story has a good plot, good writing, good characters. I grew to really like them, mostly.
I think the ending is too much, at least the epilogue, is a bit too much, too fast. given real life, I think there was more to work with there. I'd to see a little more about Jack and Abby's life, I'd love to see more discussion with the daughter. But then I know about father daughter discussions.
Congratulations on a job well done. I found myself looking forward to the next chapter each time.
This is one of the most enjoyable stories I have read on this site. Well developed and well written. Having a Father bare his soul to his Daughter is something you don't get to see everyday and give Jack a bit of humanity. Lizzy may have been and accident, but never a mistake..
I look forward to reading more of your stories.
Gemman
Your story is like a cross country trip. You have the peaks and valleys. You have the crossroads and the Y shaped roads the can take you to many different places and experiences. That is why it is so important not to say decision are bad. The consequences may not be to your liking but if you learned from them and you like who you are then they have become part of that fabric, called your life. Thanks for sharing this.
I have read this series allmost in one go. It ranks in my top 10 of stories here on lit. Well done. I can't wait to read more stories from you.
Well, you tried to get this published another way and it didn't work out . You weren't devestated and then shared it with us for free! I am not the only one who appreciates it. Like other folks I am sure, I kind of ground my teeth together at some of Jack's decisions;especially over Kimmy.........then I recollected a few of my Own blunders. This was a great and believable coming of age story. I hope you will continue to share finis.
Ed
... and a really dramatic ending.
I rather like this ending, because your characters feel so life-like. Yes, this requires a decent amount of suspension of disbelief, because a nerd growing into a popular guy, all the while being accepted by a socially conscious clique is the stuff in most stories of this kind. That wishful thinking aside though, you shine in bringing your characters to life through these pages and I really got to like Jack and all his female friends (and conquests).
There have been a few small errors I've noticed, sometimes a word missing or a sentence not being entirely correctly worded, but those are the exception and not the rule. The only thing happening repeatedly are to/too mix-ups, but I also noticed you mis-spelling epilogue, even in the story/chapter title itself.
On another note, a story like this is likely to be well received on another site called SOL (storiesonline dot net). I don't even know if I'm allowed to mention different sites here on Literotica or not, but romantic coming-of-age stories have always been pretty popular there.
From many different angles. One of the best I have ever read on lit. Thanks for sharing.
I started this last night and just finished. This story was magnificent.
I can't even comprehend the amount of confusion and turmoil that was Jack's love life. Sometimes I got mad at him too, even confused as well.
My heart went out for Kimmy and Abby, mostly Kimmy when he cheated on her with Anna. But I felt so sorry for Beth, life did indeed teach her a lesson (on pride), I wish she hadnt passed and I do hope she rests peacefully.
I think that this story ended beautifully, well, as beautiful as I had hoped, considering that this is actually real.
If anything I wouldve loved to meet Jack as his story has taught me a lot in a couple of hours. Although I dont expect my highschool and love life to be as crazy wild and confusing I do believe that I have learnt a lot from this.
So I thank you, for typing endlessly on your couch for a week and I thankyou for posting this story. It was worth the read, Bond's life was exciting. Lol.
Once again, thankyou.
Ranique Chase.
Started it and finished in one sitting. Just couldn't put it down. A very cohesive and well written story. Thanks for your effort and looking to more from "Finis."
An interesting turmoil of emotions really
you should have got this published for the marvellous presentation of matter
if not the sex the story was thrilling
This is the second time I have read this series. This is a great story. Very emotional. I loved the valedictorian speech - well done.
I'm sorry for not rating all the earlier chapters. I both liked and hated this story as it took me for a ride and I couldn't put it down. I kept rushing rough the chapters till the end. Well deserving of the 5 but your earlier chapters will suffer because you wrote too well. :)
Solid character development, well paced...sorry you couldn't sell it, but if you had I don't know I would have ever had the opportunity to know about it or read it.
Keep writing.
excellent work - kept me up late to read the whole thing through.
thanks for sharing it here. wish we could see more from you.
I had a hard time putting it down, and was thrilled when bedtime came around & I got another chance to read more of this terrific story. You have incredible talent. Your characters were so well developed that I felt I knew them all. For your information & satisfaction, I would pay money to read your stories. You are that good!! Please share more stories from your fertile brain. You have such a way with words. I laughed and I cried too. Few writers can evoke emotion like that. Only the best are blessed with that ability. You are blessed ! Thank you for sharing !😊
The title is misleading, but I don't have a better suggestion. I'm kind of surprised that you went with an erotic pigeonhole rather than as a father's story for his daughter. It's really a touching piece that you at least ought to be able to sell as a Smashwords (or similar) eBook for a few bucks.
Sure, it's hard to sell to a publishing house... but this needs to be read more widely than Literotica, and doesn't need to be on paper.
This pathetic attempt by an illiterate fag is laughable ! 1* !!
One of the best stories on this platform. It was like reading a Harold Robbins. Congrats
I sat and read this from start to finish in one agonising session. I say agonising, for I was swept away by emotions I felt, but they belonged to the characters. Well done! And thanks for emptying your soul into this!
I too finished this in one long, long reading. I hope you get the muse again because this was one fantastic story.
I'd have to say if you managed to get it out in stores I would have bought it
A GREAT JOB IN THE TELLING OF A VERY GOOD STORY. 7 OUT OF 10 ****'S. IS THERE A FOLLOW UP TO THIS STORY?
It's been 5 years since I posted this story, almost ten since I wrote it, and a lot has happened in my own life.
I got divorced, moved to LA, and became a professional screenwriter among a lot of others.
Unfortunately, to those asking, there are no more installments of this story. Jack's story is finished, there was no more to tell. Also unfortunately, the reason I've never posted any follow ups or additional stories is that, well, writing is my full time job now, heh. I don't have the time to write narrative fiction any more, and I haven't felt anything else I wrote in the interim fit with this site.
For those who are clever enough to look up my author name for the ebook and then IMDB to see whatever I may have written, sorry. I don't write under that name any more, (transitioning will do that.) So you're just going to have to wonder.
Truth be told I kind of forgot this was here for a long time.
I kind of like it being here. I kind of like that no one can put this together with who I am now.
I like that Jack lives on in this little corner of the internet, enjoyed by a small, but niche crowd. I like that people are still discovering this story in 2020 when I checked this again.
Thank you to everyone that has read and enjoyed this over the years, and thank you to the almost 20k reads the story has had to this point.
Although I hated what happened to Beth I must say that this is probably the finest piece of storytelling I've ever read.
THIS WAS THE SECOND TIME AROUND FOR ME AND I'M STILL NOT DISAPPOINTED. A REALLY GREAT STORY WITH SOME SEX IN IT. NOTA LOT OF SEX LOOKING FOR A STORY. I WISH MORE AUTHORS COULD WRITE LIKE YOU. THANK YOU AND BRAVO.
Great story, man got me so involved, but it just broke my heart, I am feeling so sad....
I REALLY enjoyed this story but something I could do without is that weird beginning to every chapter. I can understand what you felt but every chapter/not!
Thank you for the great story!
One of the half-dozen or so best stories that I’ve seen on Lit. When I was Jack’s age, I made many of the same mistakes. As I commented on an earlier chapter, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Solid 5 stars all the way across.
For those that enjoyed this, and have read this deep into the comments, I have re-published this story in epub format, I have trimmed out the racier scenes, though I promise you not story content has been lost.
If you would like a copy of the story in ereader format, I've put it up here:
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1128123
It's Pay what You Want, so you are welcome to have it for free, but I would love any support you mind be able to spare.
Thank you so much for all your kind words, and I am glad the story has meant so much to so many.
I really enjoyed your story! I didn´t like/agree with every decision you made but overall I´d rate it at 4.5*. You are a very good writer and I hope you keep writing.
Overall enjoyed the story except for two things. The pacing, and Jack. Total douchebag.
Absolutely wonderful. I never quiet knew where we were going some times after writing this morning's note, where the pan cake breakfast started. With tissue in hand, I have just finished it. An outstanding story and wonderfully told with humor, heartbreak and passion.
I loved the day during the read, soft low YouTube background music, hot coffee and warm banana bread and butter. Only got up for bathroom breaks, to help wife of 63 years get groceries in and arranged and to answer her, "Why I'm laughing or crying". I'll remember this day and this wonderful story, spun by a word Master.
tgc Valdosta,Ga
What a fantastic story. Gut-wrenching at times to the point where I teared up. I love how relatable the characters are, how real the story is and how well you wrote it. Not many tales can evoke such a sense of nostalgia and longing like this one, I now have that terrible feeling of loss after finishing a good book or video game. I'm sure many who read this will know what I mean.
There were of course minor flaws or errors and sometimes it meandered a little. But like you said, it's not meant to be perfect because Jack isn't meant to be perfect. My favourite part was Kimmy's wedding I think, when Jack thought back to his first memories with her. Your writing really shone there. I also loved reading about the trip to Europe.
I notice from one of your comments that much has happened to you since you wrote this. If you see this, I sincerely hope you're doing well and know that your story has made one more person happy after ten years. Thank you for taking us on this journey kind sir.
Absolutely incredible. Life’s ups and downs. Joys and heartaches I even saw some of the things that I wish I had done. Loved it.
Good, but I only read part 1 and this part. Just too long for me. Did very much like your last 2 paragraphs. Especially "speak from love, not hate" and words have consequences.