All Comments on 'Aurion Ch. 02'

by luciusgrey

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AnonymousAnonymousabout 9 years ago
Nice

Good chapter. Can't wait for chapter 3.

Lien_GellerLien_Gellerabout 9 years ago
Here again!

Hey there! Your story has attracted my interest so I thought I’d give you a little review of it. I have way too much time on my hands.

First off, your opening paragraph made me chuckle a little bit. “Stout and hardy little horses” made me imagine a small horde of Mongol archers riding tiny little ponies across the plains. Nothing wrong otherwise, but it was an interesting mental visual that you might not have intended!

I’m 3 paragraphs in and I’m already seeing that you still need to proof read your stories better or get an editor.

“It was more than a dislike it even a hate.” – That doesn’t grammar so good.

There are a few of those issues throughout the story. It’s distracting, but in your opening paragraphs it’s basically criminal. Make sure at least your first 10 paragraphs are as spotless as humanly possible. Read them aloud to yourself. Read them again. Make sure they’re right. Once you’ve done that the reader is “settled down” in the story and will be more forgiving of minor errors. Having errors so soon gives me trouble with immersion, which is incredibly important in reading stuff like this.

You also run into a common newbie problem of info-dumping. After starting out with the momentum of a group approaching Doria, you then stop the plot pace altogether by having several paragraphs of introspection. He’s literally thinking about thinking at some points. This seems to be important set up, but you need to mix this in with action. Have him talk about how he’s feeling with a friend, then you can fold in character points, humour, conflict and all that other good stuff and still get the information across. The subtext of those paragraphs is: “Hey guys, my character is super interesting but you’ll totally find that out later. Seriously though, he’s going to be awesome!” On and on and on. It reads more like bragging and readers mostly don’t care about stuff like this. Show don’t tell. If you want me to believe Michael is awesome, show him being awesome. Having him think about how awesome he thinks he could be doesn’t do anything except slow down your story.

Now let's look at your main problem: Unnecessary info-dumping! Cue shameless plug...

Look at “The Missing Dragon Ch. 02” about half way down the second page where Gregory meets Grolfir, the orc warlord. They sit down together and have a drink whilst Grolfir talks about the current state of the world. I did this to give the reader some much-needed background on the setting, but you also get to know Grolfir more and the dialogue is set under the backdrop of Gregory getting to know his new girlfriend’s uncle.

Conversely, and I know this sounds awful, but you really do sound like a history textbook at times.

“There were many warlike cultures on Aurion, though few of this generation hadn't seen anything like the all encompassing war that was ready heading their way. There was the Aurion Empire who ruled the lands. Their Legions were highly trained, impeccably organized and they had a major network that supported all of their logistical needs. They are also not hesitant to embrace weapons, techniques and tactics of other people, especially their enemies.”

For your next assignment read chapters 2-3 and write a report on the Aurion Empire.

It's especially notable when you go on to talk about the different peoples of your world.

This wouldn’t be so bad (although it still would be bad) if you were telling me about an actually different fantastical civilization you’d created. Tolkien sounded like a history textbook a whole lot, but he was building entire cultures from the ground up. Yes, he was influenced by history, but it was interesting finding out about the fantastical mixed with the familiar. One of the great strengths of fantasy is the exploration of new worlds and meeting new peoples with different experiences and ways of living.

I’m currently sat reading about 10 paragraphs that read like a history of the rise of Genghis Kahn. You really need to learn the difference between “taking influence from” and “copying”. Again, if you wanted to just copy the warfare tactics and culture of those peoples then that’s fine. Just don’t spend ages talking about longbows vs. compound bows, training children to ride and all the other cool stuff you’ve learned from Mongolian History Week. Anyone with a basic grasp of history already knows it!

Let me just stop here and say that I’m not saying you can’t have this sort of stuff, but you need to see it through the lens of character and plot rather than just abstract info-dumping. One great example I can point you to is in Game of Thrones where Jorah Mormont is talking to Rakharo about the difference in Dothraki and Westerosi fighting tactics. On the surface it’s a simple argument about the benefits of armour vs speed in battle, but it also tells you that Jorah is making friends with the Dothraki. There’s a cool little character moment where Rakharo calls armor “metal dresses” without meaning to insult, but that’s because it’s what it looks like to his people. Jorah is quick to correct him, but he doesn’t get offended, pushing towards both characters coming to a greater understanding and the viewer learning something about the contrast of cultures.

And the scene doesn’t last 7 episodes. :op

Jesus H. Christ, I’m reading as I’m writing this review and it just goes on and on and on and on! I’m also learning absolutely nothing new. Why do I need to know about the Viking Marines or the Amazon warriors right now? GET TO THE POINT! Oh, and again I’m reading a fantasy story in which you’re adding absolutely nothing new to these civilizations. You even call Vikings Vikings!

Ok, now I’m just getting frustrated. A lot of good fantasy authors do things like this. It’s just that you’re not adding anything new for me to explore with the civilizations you’ve plucked right out of history and barely modified at all. Also, every story beat should serve 2 things: Plot or Character. Setting is always tertiary to those two and I’m half way down the first page now and I’ve barely had a sniff of either of those two crucial elements of storytelling.

You eventually get back to the point after history 101, and the story picks up considerably. Dialogue! Discussion about characters! A prophecy! Finally!

Then Michael goes for a walk in the city and I groan as history 102 begins. What in the blue hell would possess you to tell me about the city sewage system? Why is that necessary to the story being told? Graaaaah!

Wait a sec, a mysterious hooded figure has appeared! It’s super effective!

Ok, see I want to point out that the small conversation he has with the elf girl where she remarks that he seems more attuned to magic than anyone thought possible is WAY more effective than the pondering paragraphs you opened with.

Your story fares much better in the following scenes as the girls speak to each other in the baths and the action takes centre stage.

Clearly you’re passionate about history, and you’re wanting to build a world of your own. That’s fine. Just write everything through the lens of things relevant to the plot or to the characters you’re focusing on. If it’s not relevant to the scene, then cut it or find a way to fold it in later. Showcase your characters more and don’t let them get crushed under the weight of needless background information. I’m not saying every scene needs to be rapid-fire action. You can take time to establish things, but make sure it’s in service to the story and not just info-dumping.

Major sections of this tale just feels like you’ve put the notes for your setting into your main narrative. Separate them and by all means refer to them when they’re relevant, but otherwise just have the confidence to let your story be told rather than just telling me about the world in which it’s set.

Apologies if I’ve been overly critical here. I wouldn’t write something this long if I thought you weren’t worth the effort. You’ve got the makings of a good fantasy writer. You just need to get rid of a few bad habits.

luciusgreyluciusgreyabout 9 years agoAuthor
Author

Lien,

I am a fan of yours so I thank you for taking the time to comment. I agree with your critique and probably would've implemented several of your recommendations if I had taken more time.

I will try to work on the info-dumping. Things like complex sewer systems in Doria and the traits of other tribes and groups in Aurion will be relevant in the near future, though I admit to being a bit forced with revealing it.

I appreciate your critique and constructive advice very much as an amateur poster. (Note: when I used the term 'Vikings' I wasn't speaking of actual Norsemen but rather a vaguely Scandinavian-like culture whose men took longships out Aviking --meaning warring and raiding an the old Norse tongue, I believe-- and were generically referred to as such. I'll try to be more clear about such topics and terms in the future. Honestly, I wasn't expecting my viewers to have the historical knowledge that you do I naturally went in to detail, but it's something to consider now).

Thanks again for the advice as well as being gentle with it. I would happily welcome any tips from you, now or in the future.

huntredhuntredabout 9 years ago
It's getting good

Please check the uploaded story though. Some paragraphs are wrong arranged. Other than that youre going great.

always_horny_dudealways_horny_dudeabout 9 years ago
3*

This is a great fantasy...I was instantly hooked with it at first but slowly I started losing interest for the simple reason it has lots and lots of info. While it may be relevant to the story,dumping everything simultaneously is not the way to do it....if you wish to do it,then explain it in relevant places, for then the reader will understand and imagine your plot well

Another flaw with your story is your mismatched paragraphs....I like to imagine what I'm reading and hence when their is a paragraph not in its proper place it disrupts my

imagination...and thus iI start losing interest

You have an excellent plot and your English is also good....what you need now is a editor and a controlled mind in doling out irrelevant information

Other than that keep up the good work.....:)

AnonymousAnonymousabout 9 years ago
Great Story that has lots of potential.

I enjoyed the first two chapters of Aurion. However, chapter 2 was really hard to read due to the pacing and the massive information dump. I can see where others would stop reading if they did not find the story and characters interesting. If you can fix the pacing of the story and find more natural ways to give us (the readers) the important details we need, this story will be one of the better stories on this site in this genre. You have built a captivating world with enjoyable characters. Also, you can take the story in many interesting directions. I am interested in what Michael's character arc will be. Keep writing and I will keep reading. Thank you for your time and effort!

bwer44bwer44about 9 years ago
more

I want more aurion chapters

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 9 years ago

Looking forward to the continuation. Excellent work!

observer7observer7about 8 years ago
Holy shit, expo-dump!

Yes, yes...you already know this problem, don't you? Lost interest in your world right there.

If you agreed with Lien Geller here, but how come you didn't listen to the advice on the first chapter? He warned you, plain as day, not to do that from the "they like me!" excitement. Couldn't hold your wad, I guess.

Meh. I might come back and finish glossing over the rest. But only if I know that it ends how I want it to end. Then me and hoards of others will come back in droves to read and reread the stuff we glossed over! Pinky-swear!

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