All Comments on 'My Young Neighbor Ch. 01'

by Baloden

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  • 30 Comments
AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
nice try

Really scattered and poorly ended. Also poorly edited and vetted for spelling errors, etc.

snoopersnooperover 19 years ago
Oh dear.

I read the first two paragraphs and decided that I wasn't interested in reading a police autopsy report.

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Pretty rough story

Not at all erotic but rather just plain violent. Yuck, sorry, but really awful.

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Needs some feeling

It's way too bland, no feelings what so ever, It reads like an essay a elementary student would write. Maybe you should spend some time rethinking how your characters feel. The reader dosn't want facts. We don't care exactly how long his penis is. Or he has flat hair. Erotic writing isn't about that. It's about emotion. Try again

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Oh dear

All I saw was I this I that ....nothing of what the girl was feeling..

Mechanical.....uninventive....boring

And if you class yourself as a Dom...then u have no idea of what your doing

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Horrid

I agree with all the others. This is just facts. Like some sort of science project. 2 thumbs way down.

AnonymousAnonymousover 19 years ago
Terrible

I see you said that this is your first try at this kind of thing and I just want to say that maybe you shoud stick to whatever it is you usually do. This has got to be the most unfeeling and dull story I've ever read on here. If you want suggestions on how to improve this then I suggest that you not get so caught up on the bland and boring details. It's ok to describe things but only as things happen in the story. It felt like reading a personal ad in the first two paragraphs and all the detail is just not necessary. You need to learn to decribe necessary details as part of the story and not an upfront description like you are just getting it out of the way.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 19 years ago
hmmm

okay, so its a nice try, but there are alot of things in it that i would have taken out of the story... like for instance, why woudl he tie the girl up and then go back to his house for the night a nd then go back the next day?? Also, the guy told the girl her room was "soundproof"? what the heck lol how would he know that? it was only a house not a jail cell... it defenetly needs some more feeling in it. Add more detail , say how you are feeling and how the girl is feeling too. Talk more alittle bit about your characters too , not just what they look like... Good try though!

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Slow Flow to Story line.

Story does not flow smoothly. He rapes the girl only to sleep with her? Dumb ending. Had potenital, but lacks a lot!

don87654don87654over 18 years ago
Disgusting!

Rape is not what it's about here, in these fantasy stories.

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Interesting

I loved this story! It does need some work but it was great!

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
kind of stupid

way to much and violent spanking.......one should know never antel before pussy fucking....spread a germ found in the ass causing a std............this was not worth the read......sorry......keep your day job

AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
Ghastly

This sort of mindset is why many women prefer other women.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
Boring

The first thing one notices is this story is overly discriptive. No one cares about how big someones hands and feet are. There are too many redundencies. Its obvious that an 18 year old is old enough to take care of themselves. I dont normally post on any of the stories I read on this site. This story is just so horribly written I had to. It looks as though someone gave a keyboard to a horny 12 year old who failed English too many times to count.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 18 years ago
Obtain help for a 2nd try.......

Sorry but, although the idea showed some promise, the approach is very amateurish. I can't remember, outside the 6th grade, seeing a story with so many simple sentences. I don't recall reading one compound sentance, or punctuation mark outside of periods.Very big turnoff reading what is supposidly a story told by a thirty year old male that reads like something written by a sixth grader. It also seemed to me it should have been under the S&M catagory, as it had no feelings of sexual lust incoprorated into either of their feelings, just a desire to inflict needless pain and control.

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
Keppg oing

I thought it was good. had potential.

i have to agree gay ending though.

AnonymousAnonymousover 16 years ago
i go I go I go I go.....

The idea was good enough, but reading the wrods "I go" ad nauseum, is something akin to hearing a 12 year old say "Like" as every other word. The horrendous lack of grammar, and overdescription makes it impossible to read. And by the way, if he was gonna keep her, maybe next door isn't the right place?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 16 years ago
Refinement

There is no such thing as being too descriptive. Just simply describe the necessities to the "Fantasy." The size of her hands nothing to do with the forced sex. But overall I thought it was a great idea, laking only refinement.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
Not believable

What, so he drugs her, kidnaps her, beats and rapes her and then she just lays down beside him and happily drifts off to sleep? And he's expecting her to live with him, next door to her parents? He doesn't think the police will be searching the area? I don't know, if you're going to write a story, at least think things through.

AnonymousAnonymousover 15 years ago
Poor writing

This is some of the poorest writing this site has to offer. Even if you look past the mistakes in spelling and grammar, you are left with the unbelievable development of the story. I didn't think it was possible to have characters with less than one dimension, but the author comes close to achieving that. I was so shocked by how poorly constructed the story was I looked at some of his other offerings and discovered more of the same. I was especially amused by the story of the rich man who pays his maid so much she is nearly as rich as he. The approach is to ask the maid for a pepsi, have her "set" down and tell her "I love you" to which, of course, she says "I love you too". Wow! This sort of writing would have failed in elementary school. Thank goodness the internet gives anyone a chance to see their thoughts (however poor) published.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 15 years ago
Great

A very good first go. As a woman I found it a very erotic read, there may be some tweaks to be made to your writing but for a first go it was brilliant and sexy.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
LOL HORRIBLE XDDDD

my title says it all.

AnonymousAnonymousover 11 years ago
I, I, and I again

Okay, I stopped reading, which I often do when reading something written this way. Over usage of the word "I." Four I's in the first paragraph and in one paragraph you used the word "I" ten times. Holy f'ing shit. Redirect! Get a clue.

Switch it up, obviously we know WHO is doing everything.

AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago
stupidly made up

Not a good one to read, really

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 9 years ago
Good start

Good start but sounds more like a statement then a story.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 7 years ago
The droning narrative

would be more interesting were it in morse code

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 7 years ago
What a story

Please write chapter #2. Trying to see if anyone ever notices if the neighbor was kidnapped.

AnonymousAnonymousover 4 years ago
Very robotic

You write very robotic. Every sentence is "I do this", followed by "I do that". While reading your story, I thought "I hope this guy doesn't fuck like he writes. That poor woman would would be bored to tears."

I know this sounds harsh, but tell your story with dialogue, and descriptions. Stop using so many "I do that" and "I do this" statements.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 3 years ago

It ended way to soon.

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

I thought a few years to learn English would help this author, but I was wrong. Childish writing. Very immature.

Bill S.

Anonymous
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