by Baloden
Really scattered and poorly ended. Also poorly edited and vetted for spelling errors, etc.
I read the first two paragraphs and decided that I wasn't interested in reading a police autopsy report.
Not at all erotic but rather just plain violent. Yuck, sorry, but really awful.
It's way too bland, no feelings what so ever, It reads like an essay a elementary student would write. Maybe you should spend some time rethinking how your characters feel. The reader dosn't want facts. We don't care exactly how long his penis is. Or he has flat hair. Erotic writing isn't about that. It's about emotion. Try again
All I saw was I this I that ....nothing of what the girl was feeling..
Mechanical.....uninventive....boring
And if you class yourself as a Dom...then u have no idea of what your doing
I agree with all the others. This is just facts. Like some sort of science project. 2 thumbs way down.
I see you said that this is your first try at this kind of thing and I just want to say that maybe you shoud stick to whatever it is you usually do. This has got to be the most unfeeling and dull story I've ever read on here. If you want suggestions on how to improve this then I suggest that you not get so caught up on the bland and boring details. It's ok to describe things but only as things happen in the story. It felt like reading a personal ad in the first two paragraphs and all the detail is just not necessary. You need to learn to decribe necessary details as part of the story and not an upfront description like you are just getting it out of the way.
okay, so its a nice try, but there are alot of things in it that i would have taken out of the story... like for instance, why woudl he tie the girl up and then go back to his house for the night a nd then go back the next day?? Also, the guy told the girl her room was "soundproof"? what the heck lol how would he know that? it was only a house not a jail cell... it defenetly needs some more feeling in it. Add more detail , say how you are feeling and how the girl is feeling too. Talk more alittle bit about your characters too , not just what they look like... Good try though!
Story does not flow smoothly. He rapes the girl only to sleep with her? Dumb ending. Had potenital, but lacks a lot!
way to much and violent spanking.......one should know never antel before pussy fucking....spread a germ found in the ass causing a std............this was not worth the read......sorry......keep your day job
The first thing one notices is this story is overly discriptive. No one cares about how big someones hands and feet are. There are too many redundencies. Its obvious that an 18 year old is old enough to take care of themselves. I dont normally post on any of the stories I read on this site. This story is just so horribly written I had to. It looks as though someone gave a keyboard to a horny 12 year old who failed English too many times to count.
Sorry but, although the idea showed some promise, the approach is very amateurish. I can't remember, outside the 6th grade, seeing a story with so many simple sentences. I don't recall reading one compound sentance, or punctuation mark outside of periods.Very big turnoff reading what is supposidly a story told by a thirty year old male that reads like something written by a sixth grader. It also seemed to me it should have been under the S&M catagory, as it had no feelings of sexual lust incoprorated into either of their feelings, just a desire to inflict needless pain and control.
I thought it was good. had potential.
i have to agree gay ending though.
The idea was good enough, but reading the wrods "I go" ad nauseum, is something akin to hearing a 12 year old say "Like" as every other word. The horrendous lack of grammar, and overdescription makes it impossible to read. And by the way, if he was gonna keep her, maybe next door isn't the right place?
There is no such thing as being too descriptive. Just simply describe the necessities to the "Fantasy." The size of her hands nothing to do with the forced sex. But overall I thought it was a great idea, laking only refinement.
What, so he drugs her, kidnaps her, beats and rapes her and then she just lays down beside him and happily drifts off to sleep? And he's expecting her to live with him, next door to her parents? He doesn't think the police will be searching the area? I don't know, if you're going to write a story, at least think things through.
This is some of the poorest writing this site has to offer. Even if you look past the mistakes in spelling and grammar, you are left with the unbelievable development of the story. I didn't think it was possible to have characters with less than one dimension, but the author comes close to achieving that. I was so shocked by how poorly constructed the story was I looked at some of his other offerings and discovered more of the same. I was especially amused by the story of the rich man who pays his maid so much she is nearly as rich as he. The approach is to ask the maid for a pepsi, have her "set" down and tell her "I love you" to which, of course, she says "I love you too". Wow! This sort of writing would have failed in elementary school. Thank goodness the internet gives anyone a chance to see their thoughts (however poor) published.
A very good first go. As a woman I found it a very erotic read, there may be some tweaks to be made to your writing but for a first go it was brilliant and sexy.
Okay, I stopped reading, which I often do when reading something written this way. Over usage of the word "I." Four I's in the first paragraph and in one paragraph you used the word "I" ten times. Holy f'ing shit. Redirect! Get a clue.
Switch it up, obviously we know WHO is doing everything.
Please write chapter #2. Trying to see if anyone ever notices if the neighbor was kidnapped.
You write very robotic. Every sentence is "I do this", followed by "I do that". While reading your story, I thought "I hope this guy doesn't fuck like he writes. That poor woman would would be bored to tears."
I know this sounds harsh, but tell your story with dialogue, and descriptions. Stop using so many "I do that" and "I do this" statements.
I thought a few years to learn English would help this author, but I was wrong. Childish writing. Very immature.
Bill S.