Thanks for writing. It takes a lot of time and effort to put together a story. You have the potential for a good story - the character of Barney as the loser dropout who has figured out how to hypnotize people has potential, but this scenario has no tension.
She walks in, he hypnotizes her, he fucks her, he tells her too forget and, oh, by the way, stop smoking, it works and she leaves. There's no excitement. It's almost mechanical.
It is a pleasure to read a well crafted, grammatically correct story on the site. My only complaint would be that I like a little more character development. Barnie is fine, but his patient is a bit light. Minor complaint, I know. Keep up the good work and thank you.
It is clear you were very interested in describing all the mechanics of fucking.
As far as the hypnosis goes, there are hypnofetishists who would demand more attention paid to the induction. They can be found at the Erotic Mind Control Stories Archive (www.mcstories.com) on the forum. You might want to read some of the stories there as examples of the hypnotic induction.
No real challenge here, but that could have been offset with more character development, but that needs more work too.
Keep it up. You will improve. You're off to a good start.
I have read some of the other comments on this story and they were all from the negative. I enjoyed the story because the subject actively enjoyed "Barney's" attentions. She was not "taken" or forced to do anything, actually asking for further stimulation although the choice was removed by the hypnosis, some would be quick to point out. Keep up the good work and I look forward to more of your work in the future.
You have a great opportunity in next weeks session to bring the patient alive with some personality. Possibly she has some lingering issues in early life with which they need to deal. These could come out in many interesting ways. Good luck.
I agree with some of the other comments, in that I would like to see more character development -- perhaps (as was suggested) by delving more into her history (both smoking and sexual) in their next session.
Maybe it would be fun to have Barney treat other clients -- especially with things other than quitting smoking ('cause I LOVE smoke and smoking!!), as this would introduce us to more characters and more erotic possibilities. (Especially since one could be a nymphomaniac and have a great bit of personal/sexual history to share!!)
Good job, though!! Sybil
Excited to see the sequal
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