All Comments on 'Domestic Violence'

get involved if I come across situations like described here!

Your spouse and kids are NOT property!

Grew up in an abusive household. I loathe abusers. Scum of the earth.

Nice one LadyCibelle.

written by someone who has obviously been there. I hope YOUR situation is improving!

i do know what you are saying.

now everything you listed just change the promouns and read my life for 22 years.

nowhere is there any real help for the abused husband. women seem to think that the man deserves it or what a great hubby the lady has. he does all that for her and she can relax. and men think he is a wimp.

how many times will the people at the office overlook the black eyes, the open brusies. how many year will every one not notice that there are no new clothes for him while she is wearing the current fashion.

while he works longer hours to pay for the life style of the "love of his life" and has to prepare dinner and breakfast (she always ate lunch out). the laundry was always done sunday mornings in the basement so it would not wake her up.

sex. what sex? that was only when he deserved it. like a birthday. then huury hurry you are mussing my hair.

i finally got away. i started over at 55. lucky me, she wanted no children. Unlucky me i was in a state that gave her half of everything i make until she remarries. (she makes the same ammount as i do) so i have to live on half rations. but i am free. thank god almighty i am FREE!!!!!

no one ever asked why i stayed. no one gave a damn. it was simple i was scared she would kill her self if i left. it was not something i want to see or have on my shoulders.

why did i leave? i died on the inside. i just not care anymore.

freedom is have nothing more to lose. i am there. nothing to lose except my freedom. no woman will ever have me to kick again. no woman will get that close. No woman will hurt me again. no woman will ever get close to me again.

so that is the reason i can understand why women can be abused. but no one gives a damn for the poor bastard man married to the abusing wife. that is why i live on less than 20,000 a year. (oh she gets half of my retirement too)

I will carry her ass until i die. and there was no safe house for me. no free councilling. no one sat with me and told me how i could leave. no one gave a damn.

Oh and i paid for her lawyer (4 times what i could pay for mine and damn he was very good.) i am still paying him off. i walk to work. no $$ for a car. my credit is shot. she used my cards. there are no savings she spent it faster than i could make. but she has money in a safe deposit box in her sister's name. she saved a lot.

again freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose and nothing ain't worth nothing but it is free. and feeling good will have to be good enought for me but there was a Bobbie McGee

my mom and dad fought constantly, I wasn't old enough to know what about (except he used to take me on dates because I was so cute, really!). My mom was a tough lady and gave as good as she got!

I remember a story from my mom where he came home late from a date and insisted she bake him a pie (he had a sweet tooth and had to have something sweet before he could smoke). She tried to tell him the flour was bad, but... so she "lovingly" made the pie with flour full of weevils. She tells me the story almost every time I go home to Kansas and she always laughs like hell!

For those who say they can't get away... we were living on a small farm surrounded by swamps in what is now Lake Houston, 2 rooms for six kids, two parents and a grandfather. No kitchen. Pump outside. Not even an outhouse! Everytime my mom would go to the small grocery store the owner would keep out a few cents. When she got enough for gas money to Kansas she bundled all the kids in the car and never looked back! This was in 1947.

Sometimes the emotional abuse is worse than the physical because it eats away at your self-respect, until you have none; eats away at who you are until you have no identity: except what you are given!

I echo The Lady's words: if you are in an abusive relationship, get help! Particularly don't stay "for the kids." Kids need a healthy environment to grow emotionally. Staying together is the worst possible thing you could do for/to them!

The spanish say it well: Vaya con Dios!

My brother and I were abused - verbally, physically, financially, and emotionally. We both had to get paper routes in 7th grade so we could have money to pay for anything we wanted, except meals and shelter. Of course, a lot of the food came from a truck garden in the back yard that we had to maintain. We both graduated from high school and never went back home to live. Unfortunately, I ended up married to a paranoid, obsessive/compulsive control freak. I didn't leave because of the kids - somebody has to protect them from their mother. Yes, I'm male and I'm abused. We had 2 boys and 2 girls. Both girls got pregnant (after hs grad) and married their abusers. The oldest one got away from her abuser after he broke her wrist. The courts gave him the kids - my grandkids. I've seen them twice in the last four years. My younger daughter got away when he skipped town to avoid probation violations. Oh, God, I cry as the cycle of violence manages to keep turning.

Thank you for writing that essay. Yes, it could have been 50 times longer, but after a while the human psyche is numbed and unfeeling. It is too much to take. Please do not respond to this posting. We have one joint email account and God help me if she finds out I sent this to you. Thank you. btw I'm filing for divorce after the first of the year.

Tail End Pete

Much abuse is even more insidious, and more subtle than that you've listed. It's gradual, not overnight, and you don't even realize its happening until ten years down the road you have an epiphany, and it dawns on you that you have nowhere to go, no funds to get there, and the worst part of all: no one believes you.

Some abusers are also masters at the craft of fooling those around them. "He's such a good husband!" and "You're so lucky that you don't have to work!" are some of the things I hear regularly. Little do they know that I don't work because I can't, and that the "good husband" regularly claims everything is his, and I'm welcome to leave...as long as I walk wherever I go, with only the clothes on my back.

I wish I had a dime for every time I've heard "just leave" from some ignorant person's mouth.

Nice job.

The following are general observations (BS, if you will):

Having lived a few decades now, as a member of the species who've invented some rather clever and precise symbols to communicate with one another, I have to say the author's on target.

Both men and women are abused and can be abusers; but if we go by the law of averages, men, being physically bigger and stronger, have the edge when it comes to the art of abuse. We can add, multiple, divide, subtract, or do even more sophisticated statistical analyses (standard deviations from some means, etc.) ---- on average, men are just a tad more evil (or more able to stand toe to toe with evilness, so we are more prone to practice it?)

Maybe it is because I have always been a man, have always been single, that I feel this way?, I don't know. All I know is that from my own family on out, men are usually, on average, more brutish and brutal than women. For every extremely evil woman I've seen, read, or come across, I can easily count many more men being equally evil or being worst.

I am, for example, MORE brutal and selfish, have always been, than my gentler sisters. I'm not so dumb as not to be aware of that; but I am not so far removed from the species, at least the male gender, sadly, as not to be able to participate in being who I am.

Cultural teaching, pressure, conformity, norms, beliefs, and practices also deeply influence me, influence all of us, in fact. Some of us are more aware of them and their influence than others.

I've never drunk, smoked, or done any other illegal things, or things bad for the health, immediately or long term. I've not abused my sisters growing up, I don't think, other than doing the average sibling fights,,, But I also know both my parents treated me better than my sisters. I'd usually get first picks. If there was only a piece of meat on the table, or if there's only a last drop of water in the canteen on a long day's walk, even my mother would give it to me first.

I have learned a bit, over the years, and have tried to be more of a consciencious person, have tried to be more cognizant of myself, of my gender, of my more brutish nature, of my more impulsive and less caring nature; but it seems like such are no more than a dust in the wind, a drop in the might oceans,,, where the rest of the species is concerned,,,

My ultimate hope --- a dark one --- is that my genes (those from me, at least, if not those from my siblings) would "die out", would not get perpetuated, leaving space for a better person to come to pass, to leave his genes in the species genetic pool.

Alas! such won't be but just a dust in the wind or a drop in the mighty oceans, too. But, please, don't misunderstand me: I hate neiter myself nor the species.

I happen to think --- because I know and teach basic science, mathematics, and world history to high school students --- we are a truly awesome species, rivaling if not surpassing, in any way you "measure" it, the great but extinct dinosaurs as well as the highly successful germs, bacteria, and viruses (who've been "successful" from the very get go when life started: they were the ones who started life, in fact!), in terms of our place in time in the cosmos.

But, my god, some of the things, no,, a lot of the things, the vicious thing, we, as a supposedly very intelligent species, are willingly doing to each other --- be they our families or socalled enemies --- they truly make my skin crawl; they make me wish there were wiser species to learn from,,,

But since that's impossible, I guess both men and women of the species will just have to learn from each other, infants in a cold, dark, and expanding universe that's getting colder and darker,,, a universe that does not care one ounce whether we or ten million other species have infinitessimally briefly graced its convass,,,

HenryDavidThoreau

If a person does not feel free to do what ever they wish in a relationship, they're at least living with a controlling person, which in itself is a form of abuse.

Whilst consideration of your partner and children is one thing, each of the people involved should know each other well enough, to know when they're being inconsiderate, and at least offer their sorrow, if they have the odd selfish moment.

No one is perfect, it's how you handle your errors that will ensure a great relationship.

Abusive behaviour is programmed into people as babies, or even before, especially if their mother has been abused during pregnancy.

They're born with all the wrong instincts, these are reinforced as they develop, so that without even being aware, they're already damaged beyond repair.

Children are a product of their environment. Damaged children will go on to produce more of the same.

It's also true that men aren't the only abusers, women who are products of poorly behaved parents, can also hurt a truly loving partner, in ways they may not even realise.

We are all about feelings. If we could all just consider each others feelings with everything we do, we'd be well on the way to ridding our societies of this ugly behaviour and its permanent damage, most especially, its continuance.

Our education systems should include human rights and how they apply to all of us, not just the people in 3rd world countries.

Everyone has the right to live their lives with total peace of mind.

No one has the right to do anything to spoil that for anyone.

If you're being abused in any way, you should get as far away from your abuser as you can, because they will never ever change.

They'll say they're sorry, they'll promise you it wont happen again, but believe me, it will, and it will happen forever.

There is no God, no heaven, no hell, life is now, you only get one shot at it.

Make your life your heaven by getting away now, or stay put and do nothing, and it will continue to be your hell.

Good luck.

Its true that good, kindhearted men can be abused as well. Its usually done in a more subtle way than what brutal, controlling men do of course... I am a very strong alpha male when around men or in public. Women have smiled and flirted with me and suggested I look like I would be an animal in bed. I was raised by my Grandmother and Mother to respect women. I married at nineteen and put women all on a pedestal all my life. I have accepted subtle abuse both emotionally and financially for having done so. Too, I never left either one willingly. I finally left the first wife after 15 years and married another who quickly learned that I was loving and easy. She continued on abusing me but did so more sweetly and subtly than the first and I allowed it. Twenty-eight years with the second wife and I have finally achieved some balance. That occurred after me having retired and her wasting any financial assets we ever had. She got in trouble with borrowing money illegally and is a convicted felon now. I still take care of her and support her because I feel that I allowed her the freedom to abuse my generosity towards her all our years. To me, it was just as much my fault as theirs as I just never could believe that someone who loves you will abuse you without reason. Of course, this story is not to compare with the abuse you have described. I just wanted to let everyone know that abuse can be abuse, and not be as awful as the abuse you have aptly described. It is horrible the abuse you describe... It is awful that men will do that to women who love them. Yet, I too have been embarrassed and depressed for 45 years. I am embarrassed because I am big, strong, and have been relatively attractive all my life. The real kicker... I was a combat Marine Squad leader in Vietnam for years, and then a State Police Officer for over 40 years. The other kicker is, both my wives are lovely and small petite women. You would never guess the control they have over me if meeting them. My second wife has never cheated on me. But only because she doesn't like sex much. She never refuses me yet she never encourages or welcomes me sexually either! She was sexual the first year or so and just eased me away. Women are so good at that. You know, laying down the rules in the sex department or house I should say. And they can be so subtle and sweet about it! Just another story plot I guess. Something to think about. Sorry... Just another "Wimp" I guess.

And while the comments seem full of long descriptions of how true -

I simply need to note it - like most human behavior - works both ways - woman are by no means just the victims they are the abusers too - far too many people live with the abuse because: ADD A RATIONALIZATION OF VALID EXCUSE HERE -

Too many to list -

Thank you Milady -

I realize that it's been about 6 years, but I feel that we have lived similar lives with the women we chose to be with. I, after reading what you wrote, realize that I have faired an easier time with the women (some were only females, not mature in mind). But like you, I have always tried to respect the woman I was in a relationship with. Yes, I have been abused from time to time, but I despise the controlling, physical, & emotional abuse dished out, no matter who is doing to whom.

Your comment is sad, but right on target. I hope you have a better life now.

I think your words might just help some. I had a college classmate who's wife was an abuser, still is. I don't know how to help, so I stay quiet, but very upset that I can't help.

Anyway, your article should be a benefit to some, & that is a good thing.

By a gentleman named Rishiraj Sen on Facebook.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1803658269878684&set=a.1549532435291270.1073741828.100007035852159&type=3&permPage=1

Update: Post has been taken down

By a person named Rishiraj Sen. Refer to below link:

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=1803662713211573&set=a.1549532435291270.1073741828.100007035852159&type=3&theater