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Chances are ...

byMy Erotic Trail©
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Comments (14)
by Anonymous

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by Anonymous01/12/06

Poignant!

This is a very touching look at a beloved family member whose world is receding into Altzheimer's disease. I really like it.

You could strengthen it with a few editorial changes (for example, I'm pretty sure "yesteryear" and "shotgun" are spelled solid). Also I see you want to frame it with "yesterday," "today," and "tomorrow," but I thought the poem would be stronger overall without the last two lines.

Food for thought. It's really good though. :)

--Angeline

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by WickedEve01/12/06

~

I agree with Ange about a few edits.
While reading it, I immediately thought of my Poppy. He lived a block away, and he would walk up the hill to sit on the porch and talk with me, mom and dad. Then he started asking, "Are you my family?" I was his only grandchild and he was the only grandfather I ever knew. It was sad when he died, but not as sad as that first death when he forgot me.
Good poem.

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by LeBroz01/12/06

~~

A touching piece without turning maudlin
Especially effective with those time elements
Driving the point home so well.

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by wildsweetone01/12/06

~

i really liked this poem.

as for the last two lines, my take is that the rest of the poem already indicates that his life is going to be short. in my opinion there is no need to state it again. the phrase 'Old-timers' carries with it strong stereotypical images that include death. (however, as you have yesterday and today already, perhaps tomorrow needs to be more simplified... i.e. chances are... there are no tomorrows. - sounds bare i know, but i think it might give more of a punchy impact, perhaps.)

a little more editing would tidy up punctuation and some odd words that don't quite sit right together.

as i said, i like this poem very much. i can relate.

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by 01/12/06

Nicely done with a light touch

I evokes the truth of the perceptions of family members going through this.

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by Liar01/12/06

---

Very good about a not very nice subject. Sounds like my gramp.

But that aside, I've got to ask... why the '' around Old-Timers yesteryear and snipe? I've seen you do this in other poems of yours and I never get why you want to 'quote' regular words. This times it's even more confusing, since you use the same to mark speech.

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by Anonymous01/12/06

my thermometer

of how things effect me is on a scale of zero = "Didn't Move Me" to one hundred = "I Laughed Out Loud or It Made Me Cry." Met, I'm not laughing. A very moving poem.

Carrie.

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by Anonymous01/12/06

oh johnny...

I keep hearing that damn song now...its all your fault...wearing a silly grin....sounds so et....nice/blue

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by Anonymous01/14/06

Apart from.............

...the small short-comings already pointed out this is a lovely poem. Very moving without trying too hard. Congrtatulations, MET, on your evolution.

Tess

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You old-timer you...

i loved the use of "Old-Timers" as a replacement!
It was a wonderful journey ART!
**HUGS & KISSES**
~LB~

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by RhymeFairy03/07/06

Awww Art .. * snifff

I love it !! Heartfelt and sweet.
A vivid look at the realities of life,
painted with a masterfull stroke !!

* Huggs *

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by templeminded02/17/07

the heart

home is where the heart is and mine is with you while you are forgetting things don't forget that.
love your wife always,
sandra

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by LeBroz04/04/07

~~

This poem was mentioned in the Archival Review thread, in a picking through Lit's archive of over 35,000 poems.



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by tazz31709/18/12

THE SENIOR CITIZENS

relive the past forever, TK U MLJ LV NV

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