All Comments on 'Abusive Friendships'

good...you come up with great ideas for the how to's and non-erotics!

**KISSES**

T

Sometimes it hurts to go through topics you discussed here, and I have to say you have my condolences for such an experience with your ex-friend. It really is a shame that friendships can go the same way as romances--that is, badly--but it was good of you to point it out. To stand up, to be the beacon so that others don't fall prey to the same victimization. Thank-you. Pax vobiscum!

My girlfriends friends can be quite nasty to her but she can't decide when things go too far, she constantly strives to live up to others expectations with is damaging our relationship. Your essay put into words some of the things I wanted to tell her about boundaries (whats acceptable and whats the difference between teasing etc).

Thanks for writing such an interesting thought provoking essay I look forward to reading other essays you write (your stories aren't half bad either ;-) )

Goldeniangel,

First, good story. It needs to be told.

Second, I would recommend that you itemize or number the points that you want to make. For example, you talk about teasing verbally, emotionally abusing, then decision making. It has more force if you would label each as First, Second, Third, etc. to show the depth of involvement and seriousness.

Third, and I am using the system of organiztion that will get your great insights read, give examples by saying "For example" and then state a clear example. It is much more effective.

I hope this helps in telling the wisdom that you know.

a friend

As someone who had number of abusive friendships as a child, teen, and adult I know how you feel. Thanks a lot for bringing this important topic up.

As a victim of verbal and emotional abuse in a marraige I know where you are coming from. You don't think of these things as abuse becuase they aren't the classical things pictured when the topic is broached. This abuse is sometimes being hit. Bruises on the outside go away when your self-esteem is bruised however it takes years if it ever is brought back to its original luster. By the way I think hourglass figures are a heck of a lot sexier than skinny girls with nothing to them. Go size 8

Thank you for this great article, I sign it without further additions! Watch out for people who try to ruin your life just so they can feel better!

good text. but, what is size 2, or size 8? no units or definitions! this is typical of archaic imperial (and still, north american) measures, which must be looked up in a table to be comprehended. so, i'll assume 2 is 2 feet in circumference around the waist (about right) and 8 is thus grossly obese, which, sadly, many americans are. please enlighten us if we misunderstand!

Good advice that should be remembered whichever side of the conversation we're on. BTW, in response to the comment below, 2 and 8 are dress sizes and 8 isn't super large.

Thnx for this

I hope you got over loosing this so called friend, and found someelse in your life that cares about you.

My first serious relationship ended because my partner felt we (meaning me) had become emotionally abusive. I didn't think so, but that was probably at least part of the problem. I wasn't and still am not very demonstrative or communicative, and almost all of the things I say are carefully considered attempts to help without insult or hurt, although it is precipitated by a desire to help inspire and effect change, or laugh and learn. Thanks for shedding light on what she must have been seeing and feeling. I'm sure she felt judged and criticized to insignificance although I tried to love and honour her with every breath.

I feel the same way about humour, it's if I don't like you or respect you that I won't pick on you, won't tell you when I think you're acting foolishly, or try to help you much any other way. The people I do joke with or talk to are those I love and respect.

I love your writing, and I'm pretty sure I love your athletic and healthy body more than if you were to try and force or starve it to any particular size. Love what you got, I wish I had your body type instead of being bony, but the grass is always greener...

About 10 years ago I cut off a few college friendships for the exact same reason! I found they kept treating me like some silly 20-something (no offense to the mature 20 somethings). I won't get into the strange dynamics of the relationship but imagine 1 girl, 2 guys, both guys in love with her, and one eventually marries her- I was the 2nd girl and always felt a little bit on the outside. I'd come home after getting together feeling unhappy and diminished, reliving the conversations and trying to think of how I should have responded to certain zingers and put downs. I have since responded civilly to invitations to get back together, but managed to avoid any reunions. I found myself always questioning whether I shouldn't give them another chance, whether there wasn't anything worth salvaging.

Recently, I had the need to talk with one of the guys who I hadn't seen in 10 years and was just giving him a recap of how my career had changed (promotions and 2 relocations) when he cut me short with "Jeez, you don't have to give me your resume." Suddenly, I felt like that 20-something again. I was polite and reminded him he had asked what I had been up to all this time. But that was a perfect reminder of why I removed these people from my life. I have a wonderful network of caring, genuine friends who lift me up rather than tear me down. He ended the call with the usual, "we should get together sometime." And I responded, "definitely..."

After I hung up the phone I finished that sentence: "....not."

Your writing has given me confidence concerning some problems I'm having with one of my oldest friends. I'm not sure how I'll confront it yet but I feel reassured - Thank you. P.S. I'm loving the "submission" series. I hope one day you'll write another with a woman in control.

Thanks for the essay. I recognized some things regarding "your to sensitive sensitive", and failing to stop doing a thing when asked.

You have no friends

I married her 45 years ago after a 4 year courtship. I was in the Navy and was a reactor operator on a nuclear submarine. She seemed to be getting more difficult over the first two years, and then we had our first son. Things just seemed that she did not respect me. About a year and half after our first son, we had a second son, and I got out of the Navy. Things were hard and she seemed less intimate and more disrespectful. A little more than a year later we had our third son. After our third son, she became verbally abusive sometimes, calling me names and accusing me of things that only had a thread of truth. During our sixth year of marriege she decided with her younger sister's assistance, that I was a chauvanist and she wanted a divorce. She filed, and I fought the divorce. We finally reconciled after seing a marriage councelor, about seven years after our marriage. I was an Electrician and went through a strike, after which I found a job 1500 miles north. We moved our family north and things were fairly smooth for the next three years, even though she seemed to have lost most respect for me. After about ten years of marriage she told me she felt like I was forcing myself on her and she wanted me to stop trying to be intimate. That was 35 years ago and marked the end of all intimacy between us. She stepped allowing all attempts of intimacy from me and had stopped all her initiation of intimacy after our third year of marriage. For the last 35 years she has seriously abused me verbally until about two years ago, after I began leaving at the first sign of verbal abuse. There still is no love in our marriage and I am really angry at myself for allowing this abuse for so long. She is not well as she has a heart condition, but I really need to start living for myself. At this time in my life, I have a Nuclear Engineering degree, an Electrical Engineering degree, a Professional Engineers License, and I am a Licensed Journeyman Electrician. I can work about anywhere and am working on getting out soon.

Been married 14 years and became handicap about 10 years ago. To say the least I have very little self confidence anymore. I noticed about six months ago my wife has been distancing herself from me. Always on Facebook or texting or talking with friends. That in its self isn't the problem, the issue I have is I can't communicate with her anymore. When I do try to bring something up for conversation I usually get my head bitten off. I have much soul searching with this but right now it is very lonely and I'm sad because I think I'm losing my best friend and lover.

Very well versed an eye opener for sure.

Been there, dumped them. It took me longer to recognize it - as you said, we're more aware of how to spot it in romantic relationships not in friendships. And I found it way more painful because I didn't expect it from a friend. I miss them, especially Cindy who was my best friend for many years, but c'est la vie.

I tease people I like and often are humourously self-deprecating in social situations in the hope of balancing any hurtful thing I might have said obliviously. More than once I have stepped over the line without being aware of it. There is no way I wish to hurt anyone's feelings, even those feelings of people I don't like. Healthy communication is so very important. Thank you for this essay. Hey, I'm just a guy, but since when is a size 8 a dress for heavyweights?

...that someone sees themselves as the abused and decides to be assertive-talk to a friend that makes you feel better, or a counselor, or someone who you trust: get their read on how they see what you feel is an abusive situation, think about their input, then go with your gut feeling (even if it is different from what you get from others). the best way to drive on snow is don't; the best way to deal with abuse is don't: just end the relationship, and don't become involved with that person again.

trying to change an abuser is like trying to change an alcoholic or any other drug abuser--they won't truly change until they see their benefit from doing so-but i'd still avoid them!

I think it Not Only Applies to Friends but also Neighbors also, because I Used to have a Neighbor just Like that I Finally Had it and Decided to End that 'Relationship?' which is just as well since it wasn't my Idea to becomes 'Friends' with them in fact it was my Parents. And through the Whatever we had, She was so Toxic that she even Got her Little at the time Grad 4 Sister Involved in Making Fun of me, and Treating me Like Shit. There was even the time where I was playing in their Backyard Playground and I Twisted my Ankle By Climbing up the Second Step to the Monkey Bars and Not Realizing that I was on the Second Step and when I started Climbing Down I Fell and Twisted the Ankle as I have said, and the Worst Part they wouldn't Let me go home. Anyways I Think I'm in another Toxic Relationship, because this Friend Keeps on Calling at In Convent Times and hasn't Learn from that because she keeps on calling me at those very same In Convent times. And Not only that she Calls me Constantly even just after Hanging Up, so much so I Genially Flinch whenever the Phone Rings. And No I'm Not Exaggerating. And Not Only that She Keeps on Talking about Stuff that I'm Genially Not Interested In, but she Keeps on talking about it anyways. And Finally Right Now I'm At this Point where I'm So Stressed that I Need to Get My Fidget Spinner Ready which is my Stress Reliver and my Anger Management Device when ever she Calls just In Case. Again I Realize that this all might come off as an exaggeration but believe me it's not, as Arnie have said in Terminator 3 Rise Of The Machines' "No I Am Not Shitting You"

Interesting and thought provoking. Makes me wonder how other people view what I say and do to them and for them.