All Comments on 'A Night to Remember'

I was enjoying it until then

You are writing this to appeal to whom exactly? Guys or gals? Why would guys want to know about the size of your tackle?

I believe he was refering to the dildo

Subject Matter is excellent stuff, but you've gone about it rather badly. It seems that you've tried toconvey it as a harried report of recent events, but it's only coming across as unprofessional and lazy. Take the time to report events as a story; as of now, your phrases addressing the audience are nearly useless and detract from your efforts. I'd also like to agree that tacking on your own measurements to the end of the story is terrible storytelling. Who does the story aim to please? Only yourself? It would seem so...