All Comments on 'How to Help a Sexual Assault Victim'

Selena,

What a wonderfully informative article. None of us can help but be better informed on this to often neglected subject. This is so typical of the many wonderful How To articles and sensitive stories you have given, and continued to give all of us. Wishing you every success!

Is sexist, ignorant and repulsivfe in a number of other ways.

All you have to do is read the first two paragraphs and the bibliography to realize this is just another piece of radical feminist propoganda, furthering the idea that all men are brutish, unfeeling violent rapists.

Selena,

Excellent.

As a guy that works in emergency services, FD/EMS. I have responded to young women who have ben raped, my wife's younger sister was date-raped.

We are not all monsters. I have three daughters and would be devistated if they were asssaulted or raped. My wife and I have tried to empower them to defend themselves and stand up for themselves. There are guys out there who need this information, and how we can apply it to victims and friends.

Hal

I choose to presume that your intentions are of the highest order. However, I seriously doubt the validity of your statistics. You report that one out of three women will be victims of rape. There are at least a dozen women (conservatively speaking) that I know well enough, that I would be informed as to whether they had ever been raped. The total count is zero. And of all the women I know on a more casual basis, of whatever age, the total number of known rape victims is about a handful, but not more. Now, I'll concede that it's not the sort of topic that women want to discuss openly and frequently, but for a situation to be so pervasive as to be "one out of three", it would seem logical that the secrets would not be so secret.

There is the possibility of another explanation. "Definition of terms." There is rape as defined in criminal law. And then there is alleged rape, no charges filed, which might be better described as "morning-after regret". Now, you get into topics commonly called spousal rape and date rape. Are those valid classifications? Maybe, in some cases. But for the most part, I suspect that they are more accurately described as remorse.

Regardless, your article seems to imply that it would be unwise to encourage reporting the rape to the authorities at the earliest possible opportunity. I have to take issue with that position. If we do have a valid situation of rape, then the most reasonable conclusion is that we (society) are dealing with a person who is, statistically, likely to repeat the offense on other victims. Society, at large, is better served by identifying the perpetrator as quickly as possible. Let him deal with the legal system, with the looming prospect of having a burley cellmate named "Bubba".

That said, I'll agree that part of the societal problem is that rape victims are almost on trial themselves, by bringing charges against the assailant. And that needs to change.

my 2¢,

-- KVK

Please ignore the ignorant crap that those other guys are spouting. I have no doubt that they are of the school that believe that a woman cannot be raped. As a woman who has been raped I can tell you that all the things you mention work wonders. There is so much fear around the subject and just to be believed is so liberating.

The only thing I would add to this is that if a friend comes to you with this information, refer them to professional help. I'm in training to be a counsellor and I'm learning wonderful tools for helping others but it's hard to use those tools on people you are close to. Refer them to someone that can help.

Sexual assault is any unwanted sexual contact or attention. It is an assault which can be caused by any force either physical or non physical. The force can take the form of threats, bribes, manipulation, or violence. It can be verbal, visual, audio, vaginal, anal, oral, or any other form which forces an individual to participate in unwanted sexual contact or attention. Sexual assault includes rape and attempted rape in the forms of date and acquaintance rape, marital rape, and stranger rape. It also includes child molestation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, incest, and sexual harassment. Sexual assault can be committed by adults, children, males, females, strangers friends, dates, acquaintances or relatives. Anyone can be sexually assaulted, regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation, economic, ethnic or religious heritage.

Prof Mary Koss study

In her study, she found that 45 percent of women had been pressured to have sex when they didn't want to. All of the people counted in the one in four statistic fit the legal definition of rape. = this will include any marriages where at any point the wife indicates any negative response towards sex, at any time during the time period. "Has your husband ever cocered, threatend, bribed or manulapated you in to sex" Rape

NOW admitts 10%, other figures (US DOJ) go 15-20% of sexual assault (rape in your defeination) are Men. The per centage figure is probably much higher due to cultural biases on male victims who are as much as or more ashamed as people as being a victim of rape.

There are more than enough legit figures of a horrible crime without adding a honey that mink stole you wanted to inflate the figures.

You have as most of the people giving public figures ignored the male, man and boy. Of course since the male children and teenagers are part of the rapers they of course cannot be raped so ignore them, those 5 year old boys do so much of the national raping.

The real figures horrify, there is no need to add in bribed, manulapated or just sex when they did not want to (Sunday thru Saturday).

Go out and Google the figures, don't just sole source cite.

While I can't comment on the statistics ('only' two of the women I know have been raped) this is great advice. A few years ago a close friend admitted to me that she'd been raped by an old boyfriend and I did then pretty much what this article suggests. Sadly I couldn't get her to go to the police (precisely for the reasons stated here; she didn't think anyone would believe her, that she would be blamed as leading him on, and that he'd retaliate) she has said that my advice made her feel better about herself.

It's just a shame there isn't more advice like this around; people need to know how to treat rape victims as much as victims need to know how to react.

Thanks,

Tarot

No, I am of the school that anyone can be raped, even men. While obviously you and the author of that tripe are of the school that only women are raped, which is a belief that you seem to have in common with most people unfortunately.

No, that doesn't fly. You're spouting lots of feminist garbage, and expanding the definition of rape to include just about any form of sex not initiated and continuously promoted by the "victim". Although you do start from a valid position, your argument expands it to positions far beyond reasonable.

For example, let's presume the (sad) situation in which hubby and wife have fallen into a very predictable routine of only having sex on Friday night. By your logic, if wifey isn't particularly in the mood on that particular Friday {or on Saturday morning}, then it constitutes rape. Even though they are married, and even though it was consensual at the time the sex occurred.

Let's go a step further, using your example. If a man buys a mink for his girlfriend, or even just a date for the evening, and she then chooses to engage in (consensual) sex with him, then your position would seem to dictate that such is rape by bribery/coercion/etc. In truth, the situation might make an argument for prostitution, but not for rape.

Your posting starts

Sexual

assault is any unwanted sexual contact or attention. It is an assault which can be

caused by any force either physical or non physical. The force can take the form of

threats, bribes, manipulation, or violence. It can be verbal, visual, audio, vaginal, anal, oral, or

any other form which forces an individual to participate in unwanted sexual contact or

attention. Sexual assault includes rape and attempted rape in the forms of date and

acquaintance rape, marital rape, and stranger rape. It also includes child molestation,

voyeurism, exhibitionism, incest, and sexual harassment. Sexual assault can be committed

by adults, children, males, females, strangers friends, dates, acquaintances or relatives.

Anyone can be sexually assaulted, regardless of age, sex, sexual orientation, economic,

ethnic or religious heritage.

Well, congratulations; that definition is so broad that it includes any form of human contact, including the waiter who approaches your table at breakfast and gives you a once-over and asks if you would like some coffee.

For the sake of actual rape victims, leave out the feminist rhetoric, and confine the definition to something a jury would determine to be worthy of a finding of guilt.

-- KVK

You state

The FBI estimates that less than 2% of rape reports are false. This is less than for any other felony.

Really? Lower than murder? Do those people turn out to have only been sleeping or something? If this is true it would be a far more enlightening topic of research than what you've given us. Lots of acts are classified as felonies only AFTER the circumstances have been determined. Was it a murder, a suicide or an accident? Even if the prosecution doesn't get a conviction of a particular suspect, the act in question is still considered a felony crime. Statements like this don't do your argument any favors.

Oh, and your advice about not going to the police? Crap. If you're so intent on arguing that rape is a real violent crime (which it is) there is no reason why it shouldn't be reported and the criminal brought to justice. Lots of crimes produce feelings of powerlessness in their victims. It's never easy to come forward and press charges for any crime. But it would be sheer idiocy to advise someone who just saw their friend gunned down not to report it. Giving advice that lets a rapist remain free to assault again is irresponsible and pretty much invalidates everything else you have to say. The best way to help a victim of a crime? Make sure the crime doesn't happen.

Your heart is in the right place, but this essay accomplishes next to nothing. I've learned far more from an average episode of Law & Order SVU than this lightweight fluff.

I'd just planned on commending you on this useful article but those previous comments just made me want to ass my two cents.

Some of these comments jusst plain defy their own logic.

At what point does asking for coffee become rape? Where exactly did the "sexual contact" part happen, and frankly if you think that is a form of sex, you really should try coming out of your parent's basement more often.

Or how about that idiot talking about felony crime. From what I can figure out of that gibberish you wrote, in Canada the statutes spell out the classification of the crime quite clerly. There's no such thing as felony purse snatching, regardless of the severity involved. If it was very severe, felony charges like murder or assault may be added, but the purse snatching is still a misdeameanor regardless.

As for suicides and accidents, I don't get your point. A dead body is only ruled as murdered if there is direct evidence as such. Otherwide the causes are considered natural or self-inflicted. Maybe it you actually read up on cases, instead of believing everything you see on some TV fiction, you'd actually learn something practical.

As for reporting a crime if your buddy gets mowed down. Would you be willing to report a crime while you were busy havin anal sex with a male prostitute at the time? Sure, I'll just bet you're willing to risk that humiliation in pursuit of justice. Well, rape's not like that. its much much worse, and really you can't understand it unless you see it first hand.

And the difference between rape and remorse:

I don't even see the problem here. Rape victims don't feel remorse. Their emotions are much stronger and deeper than that. If all a woman feels is remose then she wasn't raped. (Frankly, if you made the woman feel remose and not that bit of bliss, you deserve to get your ass kicked for being a selfish fuck anyway :-)

I'm sad to say I know of three women raped or attempted rape (the attempted one was my Mom). Out of the three, only my Mom's was caught, plead quilty to sex battery 3 and got 18 months. To this day, 20 years later, she still won't be alone with other men, still has anxiety attacks that could include loss of bladder control AND she's the LUCKY one. Of the other two, one commited suicide while the other just left divorce papers for her husband, packed her stuff and disappeared wthout a trace. (Abandoning her two kids, lovng friends and family at the snap of your fingers.)

Think its easy to face up to this type of crime?

Think that reporting it makes everything better?

Well if you do, fuck you very much.

The author made a point of saying that, as a friend, you should ENCOURAGE a victim of sexual assault to report and to seek counseling... but not to MAKE THAT DECISION for the victim. I think you idiots missed the real point. Taking the "hard line" stance FOR the victim and doing your little Law and Order Dance all over is going to make the victim feel victimized AGAIN. Brilliant plan. Idiots. The author gives sound, smart advice, and I agree, it should be published somewhere. As for the stats, where are yours to back up your claims, posters? I see a bibliography listed. Did anyone check it? Or are you just spouting your Law and Order/SUV knowledge?

I'm planning a story on exactly this topic, helping someone who has been raped.

The best single article on the revenge aspect I've found is by Anna Makela titled "Political rape, private revenge. The story of sexual violence in Finnish Film and Television." If anyone wants a copy of this article let me know.

Revenge has obvious legal/moral issues that vary widely across cultures. It is very common in American film and television.

For a possible example of how one woman might do it see my current story, "The Seduction of Ada."

I applaud Selena for her effort. There can, of course, be no perfect answer because all situations are different. But any increased visibility to this heinous crime is good and kudos to Selena for that.

Regards, DJ

The person who said that the crime should be reported whether or not the victims wants it to be is an asshole. I myself was raped by my stepfather for years and eventually I told my mom but I JUST now reported it to the police last month...MANY years after it began and 3 years after it stopped. Why, because it's painful to think about let alone talk about and who wants to go into a room with complete strangers and talk about something that traumatic. Some people have the courage to do it and yes I believe it is the right thing to do. Being raped makes you afraid though and what if you know the person and they're absolutely INSANE do you trust the police to protect you? I sure as hell didn't. The ONLY reason I told even though I was scared shitless was because I founf out he touched my little sister to and I will do anything to protect her even if it hurts me. This article was BRILLIANT and if your friend doesn't want to report it...don't for the love of god just be there for them. Thank you

One thing I just have to say is that I object to the website equating top marks on the writing with a little red H for hot.

This not 'hot' it is just well thought out and well presented.

And I have to say my own perspective is as a man.

Women who have been assaulted physically and or raped find men in general more difficult to trust after.

The consequence includs a sense of vulnerability that was not there before the event. Also a loss of 'trust', 'the ability to trust' - in many things.

I have never been raped.

But I have been assaulted and strangled unconscious by a supposedly trusted trustable caregiver in a Christian Institution.

47 years ago.

It changed me.

I still have trust issues, and unwillingness to face agression directly. At least I can now examine the past and work on some of those issues as an adult.

My heart goes out to all persons overwhelmed by force, having to endure the shaming of their will.

Should as a friend, A person try to get the victim to write down as much as they can remember so details are not lost incase of a report later? or is making them "relive" it in thier mind just too cruel?

I am currently dealing with having been "date-raped" by my boyfriend. It's good to know that the way I'm feeling isn't outragous. I might give this article to the few people I've told about it. It might be good to write an article for those dealing with being sexually assaulted, for those individuals (myself included) who don't want to go seek professional help.

To the dissenters - Do NOT think that the same process of reflective listening, encouragement and being there as a friend does not apply to male rape victims, this applies to all genders for all violent crimes.

To the Article writer - This is as close to perfect advice that can be given. I just want to thank you - I shall be certain to be pointing people your way.

I feel kinda bad, having read this NOW. When my ex-girlfriend was assaulted, I did lots of stuff wrong. I threatened her attacker to no end, and probably pressured her out of her mind to call the police. Maybe it's because I knew the guy that did it, but that's not an excuse. When she didn't want to talk about it, I presssured her... I was just SO angry, especially because I still loved her. A few months later she even ended up cutting herself because I was mad at her for a different issue. Is there any way to repair the damage I did?

It happened in Hong Kong a few months ago. I was scared to tell people because of the circumstances. I was told they do not prosecute there. I never looked into it so maybe they do but I did not report it. And have told only two people besides my mother and brother. A week after it happened I was living alone in Beijing with no support system or friends and that was really hard for me. A particularly difficult way to start a year in a different country. This is my gap year between high school and college.

The hardest part was overhearing my brother talking

on the phone to my mom about it. He was saying I was overreacting.

That hurt and destroyed my trust in him. I understand he sees sex differently than I do. But can't he understand that what might not have been a big deal for him is a very big deal for me? I think that he feels bad. He was there that night and lost sight of me. I could understand that he feels personally responsible, and watching me not handle it well must have been difficult for him. However, as understanding as I can be or try to be that was my virginity and I cannot help how hard I take it or how I deal with the trauma. I didn't blame him... I just wanted him there to hold me and let me cry.

I am doing much better but I do not think I have fully dealt with this or recovered. Maybe when I go home to America I'll have the time to work through my feelings and have support from friends or family.

Anyways I just wanted to say whether inaccurate or not I really appreciated this.

:)

Congratulations to John Doe and the anonymous concern trolls for getting a blackout (or close to it) on rape apologist bingo.

Thank you for this. I have actually had women come to me with something like this but I did not know what to do. Fortunately I did many of the right things by reflex but this will help if it happens again. Thank you so much for this how too.

It will be nice if you removed the gender bias in your writing. Men can and have been victims of sexual abuse at the hands of a women. I, myself, am a victim of a female rapist (my girlfriend).

The gendered language mages perfect since, due to the, opening story. It expresses resentment and remorse for not knowing what to say, back in the day. Not everything has to be about gender neutrality.

For a decade, I served as chief of a university police department. In my experience, one of the most important factors in when, or whether, a woman allowed us to assist her was the reaction of her roommate, friend, or other person in whom she first confided. Learning that someone you care about has been sexually assaulted always will be disturbing, and all the more so if/when you realize that what happened to her (or him) could happen to you. Sometimes, even often, that realization triggers a need to seek reasons why what happened to her/him WOULDN'T happen to you, and even if you don't articulate any of those reasons, the person you are trying to help and support may feel judged....and somehow responsible. No, no, NO! I can't speak for every police department, and have no desire the way things often were done in the past, but I have worked with special victims investigators-- both male and female-- who were, first and foremost, compassionate, sensitive, caring human beings, and who routinely went above and beyond what their duties required, and cared not only about justice for the victims/survivors, but also about their recoveries. The criminal justice process actually can be empowering for victims/survivors. I have stories.