All Comments on 'One Slip – Revisited'

by Incoming

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  • 106 Comments
ohioohioover 17 years ago
a really bad story

This is such a superficial, and even nonsensical, response to Patricia51's great story.

Donna bravely confesses to her husband--then, not a minute later, when he says he has to think about what he's going to do next, she threatens him with divorce, and says she'll be in their house fucking Gil in their bed? This makes no sense! One moment she's apologizing and saying they have a marriage worth saving, and the next she's angrily threatening him??

Not to mention the fact that part way through the story the author switches from third-person narration to first-person narration by Steve....

ohio

wetapapwetapapover 17 years ago
if it wasn't for freedom of speech and

the fact that i strongly support it, i would have a comment for your story.

louguy35louguy35over 17 years ago
Maybe the worst!

This may be the worst story that has been posted in the cheating wife genre. It is an insult to Patricia51, and to the other writers who have supplemented the story.

I can say little else and remain civil.

No Cheers here!

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
BRAVO # 34

Wickedly delightful! This was a pleasure to read!Reminds reader of Hicthcock at his best!This work should be considered for a prize in the Halloween contest.You can feel nothing but admiration for the character of the Steve as he deals with adversity and saves his family in the bargain.Thank goodness that Steve does not try to solve his problem with the usual psycho/babble, self-recrimination or endless searching for WHY? that makes so many of the works in this genre so tiresome.He does not allow his slut/wife/whore to bait him into a confrontation but rather solves the problem adroitly as a man should handle the contamination of his home and property.The dart board is a masterstroke!Just contemplate the vast amount of time that would have been wasted with a psycho/babbler eliciting few results that would be useful.Just 2 darts in a picture of the slut/wife/whore solved the problem.She knew the face of reality in one short lesson.It was pleasant to envision the happy smile on her face at the end of the story 10 years later into a truly happy marriage when she found true self-actualization!

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
What's the problem?

I agree...the earlier comments are misleading...this was a good compact story with a "no-brainer" attached to it. Maybe overkill with Gil's murder...but the message is clear.

There have been so many takes on the story, I don't even remember what P51 originally wrote.

The key here and as with the original, is that Donna's problem was not of guilt...because she did enjoy it...but that Gil wanted her to do it over and over again. If it was kept as a one-off between Gil and herself with no blackmail, I think her need for another cock would eventually surface again...because she did enjoy it...and always remember she and Gil would have a private laugh on Steve as to what they got away with.

So let's see...she could live with the enjoyment of the fuck...but not the consequences...well, get real.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Good way

to get rid of a slime of a "friend" and put the fear of God into a cheating bitch

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
A Good Premise Goes Bad!

As a sequel to the original story by Patrica51 you got a good start up to Donna's confession and then it went sour. I agree with Ohio that the actions of the characters make no sense. Donna does not act like she is sorry for her actions with Gil. Gil only wanted to make her his corporate whore which failed so why kill him? Remember Gil worked for Steve. Steve as written in the original story was a good husband and father but here he becomes a thug.

The biggest problem with this story is that it does not address Donna's infidelity. To threaten her like a mob boss is dumb which only encourages her to be smarter and more careful when she cheats next time.

SleeplessinMD

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Excellent story

Great story! All your stories have been fun. I am not a fan of cheating of either husband or wife. I am certainly not a fan of cuckolds. Please continue your writing efforts. Perhaps some stories could be longer in the future as this would provide me more fun reading.

Roger

RedHairedandFriendlyRedHairedandFriendlyover 17 years ago
Thanks

You're story has been mentioned on the New Story Review Thread, found on Lit. Bulletin Board, found in the Author's Hangout forum. ~ Red

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
A Simple Story of Retribution & Great Depth

Finally, an ending that made cents yet was sensitive to those involved as well as the readers. The readers who have never felt that realistic justice was served by any of the redo's as well as the original.

Certainly this one, so based in life will make The Troubador feel that his set up work wasn't just in vain.

No? Cmon! Now seriously without kidding around! Or kidding around without seriousness!

I liked it because of the beat - and the sensitive background depth for the feelings justified by a good friend and his practice ho.

Most of all, because there is no longer any need to hit the reduu button on this one - or is there?

Nice shot author - reality with grins and a flourish!

Keep up the dirty work as someone needs to! However, when will you take a sick cuck story on? Cmon, it could be fun!

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
So many holes in this plot

That you could drive an F-150 through it without hitting anything.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
This story WAS true to the original

This story marks the eighth follow-on to ‘One Slip’ posted on this site. That is a testament both to particia51’s thoughtful original as well as to the courage of those writers to improve upon the original. I do not expect every author to mimic her style, tone and flow. She is one of the best writers on this site. Therefore, I give every new rendition a lot of leeway in the reading.

Prior to writing this opinion I went back and re-read particia51’s story (which itself was partially inspired by the Troubador’s ‘How High A Price’). After reading the story, I had a problem with its very title. Donna’s actions did not constitute a mere ‘slip’.

If your read Donna’s own account she was a WILLING participant in the adultery. She was not raped nor was she drugged. She admits that her inhibitions were lowered by alcohol but she offers no explanation for her actions, only regret. We learn later from Donna that she knew in advance of her tryst that Gil was a scoundrel who had done this before, and still she did what she did.

According to her, Gil is her husband Steve’s best friend, that fact alone made the betrayal that much more onerous. Donna acts as much to save herself from being Gil’s slave as she does to save her marriage. She appears to like the trappings of the marriage; hence, she rides in the BMW while Steve drives a pickup. Was it not telling that she finds regret in perhaps losing that car right before she leaves the parking lot heading for Steve’s office?

In my interpretation of particia51’s words, I did not envision Steve reconciling with Donna once he learned of her adultery. I based that on the ONLY person in the story to give an assessment of Steve’s character, and that was Gil. Like all blackmailers, Gil enters into the plot thinking that his plan will be work. He has done this same thing successfully to another wife (according to Donna), and he has successfully seduced her.

I take Gil assessment as the best predictor of behavior in the story. Gil is two for three in my book. I can understand how he thought his blackmail might work too. In any event, I think that Gil’s assessment of Steve is correct and Donna, his wife, offers no counter that he WILL NOT split with her.

Having said all of this, I am amazed at how all of the follow-on stories have Donna and Steve staying together. Even though a lot of us, myself including, like happy endings, there was little to justify that in the patricia51 story. Other than the fine story from Joesephus, this version from Incoming may be the most realistic of the bunch. At least Incoming appears to have had fun with the retelling.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
I too went back and read the original

again. I think this story just changed the characters too much.

Thanks for the effort, though.

Regards, DJ

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Puzzled

Great job-I enjoyed it. I can't understand who the "Donna" is with him 10 yrs later. Obviously, he gave his wife,at the time, a"foot in the ass" right after he showed her the dart board. This guy doesn't seem to be wimp enough to let the whore stick around.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Good try but no

It would have been better if you had written your own story rather than try to write this ending. You did not remain true to the character of Donna that Patricia 51 had created. Your Donna was a bitch pure and simple. She was more offended that he wouldn't help her than the fact that she had betrayed the relationship. That was NOT what Patricia 51 wrote.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Was on point

Some guys find Jesus; this guy found his balls!

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Maybe

This would have been a pretty good stiry except that there wasn't enough of it. I haven't read anything from the other author you mentioned so i can't say anything about the charracter in her stories. But this one could have been great.

zed0zed0over 17 years ago
A Better Ending But....

A Better Ending Than the Original, But still A FUKING WIMP! (zed)

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
zedo get a life

why are you talking so dumb? there was no wimp in this story.why don't you write a story in lw and have no wimp hubby.please do that for us who think you're full of shit.

peggytwittypeggytwittyabout 17 years ago
Not a sequel as advertised

I have to agree this story is not in anyway in the same vein as the original. It has none of the Characters values in it. It does appear to be a totally different set of people.

PT

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
too drastic change

I read Patricia's story, and these characters were just too different. It made no sense. If Donna was such a viper why would she confess her infedility to her husband? and what happened with the evidence? he may have killed him, but the tapes and photos were still there. too many drastic changes and too many holes in the plot. just write your revenge stories and leave the other author's stories alone. theres tons of stories you can create, indulging in criminal behavior. after all, you da man.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 17 years ago
dumb

do us a big faver never write again

Alvaron53Alvaron53almost 17 years ago
There's a slip here, all right

Who were these people? I looked for them in the original tale but couldn't seem to locate them. Decent enough prose but the "hero" in this vignette is nothing more than a criminal. No thanks.

NucleusNucleusabout 16 years ago

<p><i>He didn't rape me. I did it voluntarily; I cannot lie to you. At the time, I enjoyed it. It was exciting and different.</i></p>

<i>I have a problem and I feel that our marriage is strong enough to solve it. I made a mistake and I am asking you for forgiveness and help.</i>

<p>See it?</p> Her great character flaw. I got the impression that she is calculating bitch and not the character Patricia51 developed. Sorry only nice try.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 16 years ago
:)

There is no way you ever are going to make a decent NoWimp story is it? Your characters seems to sink to greater depths than the wifes do every time.. Sh* You makes those cheaters look good comparing.. A advice hombre, no marriage for you ever, you would just freak out :) Cheers Yoron.

bigchefwaynebigchefwayneover 14 years ago
A Neary First rate Story

I realize this was a follow-on, but feel you did to little to develop your characters. This reads like a Cliff-Notes version of the story.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 14 years ago
Dear Sultan

Tough, terse, and tragic. I like it!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 14 years ago
nope!!!

Again why would he keep a whore that cheated that told him if he did not help her she would divorce him and fuck the one blackmailing her!!!!! Nope it don't make sense!!!!

size14shoesize14shoealmost 14 years ago
The last virgin

I agree with the comments where the husband shitcans the wife who he loves and has spent 15 years with. All he has to do is get over Donna in 3 to 5 years. Spend a year or 2 looking for the last virgin in the county and get married again in hopes that this one works out. If not, he can spend another decade trying again.

RePhilRePhilover 13 years ago
Time jumped too soon

Jumped in time to fast a personal opinion

AnonymousAnonymousabout 13 years ago
YES!!

I do like the dark side every now and then, and this touched my heart deeply. R.T.

DWornockDWornockover 12 years ago
For multiple reasons, I didn't like it.

For one, Donna is not that weak and the moment she realized the threat against her life, she would go the the police and he would go to prison for murder. I rated it 1*.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
Well DWornock...

her going to the cops would be just plain stupid, because she has no proof he did anything. And besides, if she knows he took out Gil and got away with it, he could do the same to her. Good thing she's not as fucking stupid as you are, or she'd be worm kibble.

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
dwornock is a troll

What kind of brainless idiot rates everything a 1*?

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
'wormcock' the cuckhold.

Sperm count? Why 1 of course!

AnonymousAnonymousover 12 years ago
DWmoronic said in a dozen other comments

that police never help people and commit more crimes than cops - then posts this comment saying they would help the wife?

DWmoronic is so stupid she can't even keep her own comments straight, haha

tazz317tazz317over 12 years ago
IS A SLIP AND ERROR OR AN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING

either way its showing. TK U MLJ LV NV

betrayedbylovebetrayedbylovealmost 12 years ago
Good Story.

Good ending. I like that Gil was wasted but the wife could have gotten a little more punishment other than just being scared to death. Oh well, at least she sucks his cock every morning ten years after the incident.

OH YEAH

ythebadgerythebadgerover 11 years ago
Junk

Almost a betrayal of the spirit of the original and very poorly written.

Mr WolfMr Wolfover 11 years ago
Different Twist

Made me chuckle, totally unique version but gave me a good laugh!

chytownchytownover 11 years ago
DAMN THAT WAS COLD!!!!!!!!!!

To the point but cold. Thanks for sharing.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 11 years ago
Kept the wife?

Probably should have run over the wife, not the friend. Who would keep a cheating slut that has no remorse for her actions and obviously no love nor respect for her husband. She'd be sure to cheat again. Where's the trust?

elHosedelHosedalmost 11 years ago
Like it, easy to get rid of the friend, not so with the wife

I liked it. The friend was easy to dispose of without a trail leading directly back to you. About the only way you could get rid of the wife using these methods would be to use Gil's care to take her out. That would then leave Gil on the hook for the murder, though that's a rather risky set of circumstances.

He made his point VERY clear to her. If nothing else, she'll never be stupid enough to do it again.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 11 years ago
I can't quit chuckling!

That was a great read!

OneShotOneOneShotOneover 10 years ago
Weak

tea. Not up to your best

betrayedbylovebetrayedbyloveover 10 years ago
Damn

I was wrong. He should have sold her to a Mexican whorehouse and found another love. After ten years she was just his glorified whore anyway so why not trade up to someone you care about, not just someone who swallows? Fucking cunt.

Huedogg2Huedogg2over 10 years ago
gave it a one

yet another man hating author, she cheated just like Gill did, but kill Gill and let the whore continue on her way.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
how much cock could a huecuck suck

just ask betrayed, he has OneBrainCell and would know first-hand from experience the oral skills of a bonfide wannabe-cuck like cuckdogg (come on, Matt Moreau is his fav author fer chrissakes)

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago

So he let his wife cheat on him, no divorce, no thing? We're supposed to believe that she regrets what she did after he admittedly neglected her and treated her like shit, just because she sucks his cock?

Fucking pathetic, dude. He's a shitty husband who apparently doesn't mind permanent sloppy seconds, and she's a cheating whore. They should both die in a car accident.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Another "1" star.

At least good ole Gil "brought the farm." Meanwhile, author, watch your back.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago

Yeah, death threats are totally the solution to a bad marriage and making your wife "fall in love" with you again.

Richie4110Richie4110about 10 years ago
Not the best treatment of this series

I wonder what contriving a murder would do to one's psyche. I can' believe that it helped their marriage. I understand the novel feelings and I reject the benefit to a relationship.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 10 years ago
Changed characters

Your Donna is not the same character as the original writer wrote. Hell, she is not even consistent in your telling of the story. Didn't finish the story because an author that can't be consistent isn't worth finishing.

tazz317tazz317about 10 years ago
A SLIP IN TIME

saves alimony and payback, TK U MLJ LV NV

AnonymousAnonymousabout 10 years ago
old man

who says that a woman can't be taught.......sometimes you just need a bigger stick

KarenEKarenEalmost 10 years ago
Haven't Finished Yet, But...

Why is she pissed? She drops a bomb on him, and expects him to calmly say "Oh, it's ok, Honey, we'll work it out"?

He just said he had to consider his options, that doesn't mean he's throwing her out.

KarenEKarenEalmost 10 years ago
Just Finished

Why the hell is she crying over Gil? He seduced her, tried to blackmail her not only into continuing the affair but to being his corporate whore!

SgtmjrSgtmjrover 9 years ago
Physics

Loved it--Not very likely but real good fun. Like my old Physics professor was fond of saying,'You got to set your parameters if you want to solve a problem.'

AnonymousAnonymousover 9 years ago
My second read of this story

and it was a good as the first time. 5 stars.

Tim413413Tim413413over 9 years ago
Nice!

Although I found both Hubby's and Wifey's responses to be a bit strange.

sinsational83sinsational83about 9 years ago
gotta say

I got to say I do love your ideas for revenge you sick bastard. lol I wish I read your stories along time ago they would have been a lot of help. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

EXursusRhereEXursusRhereover 8 years ago
Very poor ending.

This is a piss poor ending. Can't relate this crap to Pat's story. Hell you can't even get the name's of the characters right. Did you read what Pat's story was about before spit out this crap?

AnonymousAnonymousabout 8 years ago
I don't understand

This authors stories move along a purposeful path and then in the last paragraph take a 90 degree turn and crash headlong into a concrete wall and the stories die in a huge explosion. Not worth the 1* I gave it.

sbrooks103sbrooks103about 8 years ago
Fair

"I want you to consider this option. If you divorce me, I will keep the kids and the house. You will pay child support and alimony, and don't be surprised if Gil winds up fucking me in our bed.” – So much for being sorry! He only asked for some time – that’s not exactly unreasonable after being hit with this out of the blue!

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 8 years ago
You keep fucking up these stories

The last paragraph totally fucks up all these stories. Why the fuck would these guys keep these women? She needs to quietly 'disappear'. A big 1* for the fucked up ending

Drbeamer3333Drbeamer3333almost 8 years ago

Thanks for the effort.

sbrooks103xsbrooks103xover 7 years ago
Meh

"I want you to consider this option. If you divorce me, I will keep the kids and the house. You will pay child support and alimony, and don't be surprised if Gil winds up fucking me in our bed. I am fed up with both of you guys. You're never home and he thinks I'm his free piece of ass." - Amazing how she goes from contrite to vengeful shrew in five seconds!

"About an hour later Donna came into my room crying. She had heard on the news that Gil had been killed in a hit-an-run accident." - Why the fuck is she crying over Gil?!

tazz317tazz317over 7 years ago
BULLSEYES AND DART BOARDS

scares the strong and weaken resolve. TK U MLJ LV NV

TwentysevenTwentysevenover 7 years ago
Atrocious

See above.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 7 years ago
Excellent Stoy

Gil got what he deserved and Donna got a quick lessen of what could happen to her if she screwed up again! I like the fact that he gave Donna a pass since she did confess immediately after the event.

HomefrontWitnessHomefrontWitnessover 6 years ago
Split personalities

This Donna had nothing to do with the original. Complete psycho bitch threatening to fuck Gil in his bed? She was remorseful, that much was a clear part of the setup the original provided. This is the fourth One Slip sequel I've read and so far it is the absolute worst, you could have written your own few paragraphs to start it off, and just done a generic LW story of your own. No point to this being a sequel.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 6 years ago
not buying it

I gave 5 stars for some reason, maybe because it was a bit different and entertaining to read. The most important issue is the use of fear to assure obedience. Even the fear of death will pass given enough time-it needs to be continually increased like developing a drug tolerance for it to contintinue to be effective. Plus, forced compliance is suitable for a slave, but even a pain slut toy chooses to submit willingly... The acceptance of such love is not acceptable unless it's given relatively freely. I mean, some people might require some special manipulation to a certain extent, but that can be done without fear...especially of death, what the fuck.

So, nice story, but I disagree with it.

AnonymousAnonymousover 5 years ago
Oh No

Valdez is coming. Be afraid. He used to keel Apaches. Before he know better. But you should have paid the one hundred dollars. ... I know most people won’t get that, but I couldn’t resist throwing it out there. Actually I liked this ending. Steve and Donna repaired their marriage and good old Gil got what he had coming. Sounds fair to me.

Mauser45Mauser45over 5 years ago
.................

Still waiting to read this 'story' you're supposed to be writing. I have no idea what this was, and I can't read garbage, I'm afraid...

26thNC26thNCabout 5 years ago
That one

That one I really.liked. The.pictures on the dart board were killer.

Tiger27Tiger27almost 5 years ago
Laughing!!!

Enjoyed the story and the postscript. Well written Blah Blah blah. Good sentence and paragraph structure Blah Blah Blah. Story flow is great Blah Blah Blah. If the author doesn't like my heavy use of Blah Blah Blah, please revert back to line one of this comment. I'm not a Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling cop.

ThematchthatBurnsThematchthatBurnsalmost 5 years ago
Super story.

I confirms my belief in a good and just God!

No forgivness, but acceptable contrition.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 5 years ago
How

How would he know Gil would be driving along that stretch of road at that time?.

26thNC26thNCabout 4 years ago

There's anonymous trying to use logic to crap on a good story again. Good news, Gil died this time. Bad news, Donna lived.

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 4 years ago
I'm missing a sedan in this story,,,

OK- the Ford F-150 is used to bring them both back to the parking lot.

Where was the Sedan put? Or should there have been a paragraph where the sedan was torched up the road?

Schwanze1Schwanze1almost 4 years ago
Good idea

Poor execution. Mechanical dialogue. Characters not believable.

robroy93robroy93almost 4 years ago
First sequel

If nothing else I like the ending for Him , and the dartboard is hilarious.

MarkT63MarkT63over 3 years ago

He stayed??!! I figure divorce would be simple with the threat of her death looming!!!

etchiboyetchiboyover 3 years ago
A fitting end to a FTDS story.

4-stars

26thNC26thNCabout 3 years ago
Reading again

Not the best sequel by far, but I like the end for Gil.

JonDoe315JonDoe315almost 3 years ago

i get the need for revenge on the lover but the wife is the one who he needed to make suffer.

ScorpioJJScorpioJJover 2 years ago

Good for Gil's high flying ending. Bad for keeping Donna around.

When the kids are grown and gone, then she stabs him in his sleep.

No thanks.

Just_WordsJust_Wordsover 2 years ago

Not reconciliation so much as a lifelong threat? I get it. The way she threatened him with divorce doesn't paint her as a wife worth keeping except keeping her under his heel. I'm not sure I'd want to keep a wife that way, but I get it. It's just one more form of revenge.

AnonymousAnonymousover 2 years ago

Hate the ending. She was not worthy of a RAAC

AnonymousAnonymousabout 2 years ago

A decent initial story, left in the air by a writer without a complete ending, is finished by a writer who felt his ending was the end all. It wasn’t. Stick with your stories for now on.

26thNC26thNCabout 2 years ago

I guess she finally got the point.

JonDoe315JonDoe315about 2 years ago

So no consequences to the wife then? Should've divorced her and moved on

AnonymousAnonymousabout 2 years ago

Good story line but you sure did not make the most of it. Taking Gill out with a hit and run is plauseable but it actually happening set up as such,not likely. The wife remaining in the relationship and be a slave, thats' an absurd fantasy. She would have been gone with the wind,never to be seen or heard of again(thats' reality)..don't ruin your story lines with over the top shit or unreal situations,realism is what makes a tale good and easier to read. Here is another HINT when thinking revenge...There Absolutely cannot be sexual intercourse of any kind without the females consent. If there is its called rape. The choice to have sex has always been the womans to agree to or say No to..Casual meetings,dating or in marriage..All men can do is pursue and let it be known they are available,only the woman will allow sex or an affair to happen,just like them accepting a date or rejecting a date.. women have always know this and use its power. So to be blunt : a male can pursue and entice without remorse to no end. With a NO from the female nothing happens...That also a reality....

AnonymousAnonymousabout 2 years ago

Nothing creates quite the feeling that the total destruction of an asshole does. Revenge is a circle completing act, very fulfilling!

AnonymousAnonymousabout 2 years ago

1*

So she learned fuck all and did everything out of fear, then?

Pathetic

AnonymousAnonymousalmost 2 years ago

The To the Readers was a priceless way to tell critics to fuck off. Well done!

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

Gil got his. Donna got a free pass.

Three stars.

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

pretty good, liked the mcs can do attitude, lucky he had friends on the dark side. why did wife cheat? why did she expect hubby to back her up? she said it was her idea, she enjoyed it but didnt like being blackmailed. tough on her, no reason to have her back, oops just realized donna was the cheater at the beginning and blow jobber at the end. guess she was right, they did have something special and he did have her back. why did she do it, and admit she liked it? after realizing my lack of comprehension took 1 star awy from story=3 stars. rk

AnonymousAnonymousover 1 year ago

If you are capable of getting away with murder, the priority is to disappear the traitor wife. However, in this case, since the other man has evidence, he has to go also.

I’ve never understood stories where only the other man is punished, unless it was rape. If the wife consented, she’s more guilty, since she’s the one who promised to be faithful.

If adultery is worthy of death, then it is the wife who MUST be sent to her eternal punishment. Personally, I’m good with both being put to death.

ZK

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