All Comments on 'California?'

classic, you captured a big statement of the state of affairs with a quick description. The expectation of beauty and sunshine of California, the quick judgement of the fatso and the setting of the standard nice trunks. I really enjoyed this on Senna. My only suggestion is to consider clinging instead of lingering. Maybe invent a new word clingering. hehehe kidding but lingering did not work for me, it seems to be more of temporal word in a positional situation.

has been recommended today in the Poetry Feedback and Discussion Forum's New Poems thread. Thank you for the read!

Angeline

I prefer lingering. A scent can linger, not underwear, so I'd definitely opt for underwear lingering, because it should do no such thing.

Best part of the poem:

in his whitish greyish dirtish huge

half-hanging half-lingering wet underwear

We're getting it here in the Pacific Northwest too. Very humorous. I can clearly see the image in this Senna and snickering a bit (but know where you're coming from with my own web feet). Thank you, this is fantastic work.

An image sure to stick

To your vivid mind

Like a news clip with snippets

Showing the waddling obese.

“fatso”? Have not seen mockery like that for quite a while.

If the sun does not shine - why not go and watch a comedy. If your friend is unhappy - have you really been his friend? If he is not your friend - why do you need to look at HIM? If you are unhappy - have you tried to see why? Maybe what’s really dark and neglected is not the world and every one around you, but yourself whom you have been neglecting? Those who are hurtful are usually hurting themselves, but have not found the way or the courage to look there yet. Together with the lack of insight in the poem it makes me want to offer help.

Thank you guys for your kind comments and for the two concerns too (stated by Anna & Kolkore).

I was very glad when Angeline & Anna stressed the role of the commonly perceived character of California as the background of my poem. On the Lit poetry board Angeline has written:

"Is the Golden State the land of eternal youth and beauty or something more mundane? Senna's snapshot offers a sardonic image of the real world."

and Anna has expressed a similar sentiment in her comment below. I live in California for the third time. I've spent in the S.Fr. Bay area already 12 years. I've written a number of poems about this state. California (or San Jose, or San Francisco) is featured in the title of some of them. The state is featured also in some other of my poems like "phase transitions" or "threeway" (not to mention a bunch in Polish :)). If one had compiled an anthology of these California poems then they would still gain more. On our poetry board we should perhaps post some thematic anthologies in a single post or thread (as I did in my archive here for my tanka).

Anna & Eve write that my usage of "lingering" is incorrect English wise. Is it fine poetically? Here Anna & Eve differ. Hm, whom should I select? :) Let me think (let me hear your offers :). Seriously, I cannot make up my mind just like that. (If you like, we may discuss it on the board).

KOLKORE's concern goes beyond poetry. When I lived in Florida, my two friends, who lived in my apartment, were "independent artists" or simply Go-Go girls. When we were hopping bars, they liked to relax in gay places. In Orlando the gay community was quite artistic, they were good dancers, they would regularly stage artistic shows... And they called themselves "fags", and their friends called them fags, and about everybody around called them fags. Then I moved to California. An Indian friend, very sophisticated and intellectual, had invited me and a couple from Berkely, equally sophisticated and free of any prejudices. But when I was happily telling them about the gay community in Orlando (Florida), I could sense that something was wrong. "What's wrong?" I asked. Silence. I got it somehow anyway, and I asked "Is it the word 'fag'?". Indeed, that's what was making the Berkeley couple uneasy (my Indian friend knew me well, there was no problem, while I met the Berkeleyians for the first time). Ok, so I explained the situation and I have stopped saying "fags" from that moment on (I mean anywhere, not just at our small party).

At a relaxed business meeting of a small company, during a break, a very athletic looking lesbian employee was telling us about the abuse and prejudice which she was experiencing on a daily basis. Somehow I told her & everybody how children back in Poland would harass a poor child by shouting repeatedly "redhead! redhead! ...". Our lesbian friend didn't understand -- what offense can there be in 'redhead'?. It's all about the intention (what offense can there be in 'dyke', 'fatso' etc.?). Words by themselves are not one way or another. In a discussion about, say, poetry, you may sound and actually be offensive when you call someone an engineer, accountant, mathematician, ...

I am not denying the danger of my usage of "fatso". I was preoccupied with the purely poetic aspects, not with the social effect--for better or worse, that's my general tendency. Possibly, I was careless. The usage of "fatso" was risky.

Thank you, best regards,

Senna Jawa (Wlodzimierz Holsztynski)

I've sent the edited version in, it should show up in the archive tomorrow. I've managed to avoid risky stretching of English (thank you Anna & Eve), while preserving and even slightly enhancing the mood.

Regards,