All Comments on 'Outside Looking In'

by dysphemist

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  • 14 Comments
RogueLurkerRogueLurkerover 17 years ago
Nicely done

A thought-provoking and eye-opening piece.

DesertPirateDesertPirateover 17 years ago
Very different

Nice way to make people think. Hopefully they will act on those thoughts with the true spirit of Christmas.

jack_strawjack_strawover 17 years ago
Could be better

I noticed this is only your second story (and the first in a year), so I won't be too critical.

Nevertheless, you left us hanging. You have the potential for a tremendous story here, but you just sort of ended it. What there is is excellent, although you desperately need to shorten your paragraphs. Tighten them up to give your prose more punch.

The detail of the shops and the little things the patrons do in those shops is very good. You did a great job of creating the mood of holiday warmth inside contrasted with the bitter cold outside.

But then, just at the point where you introduce your protagonist, you wrap it up in three sentences. There's no detail on what exactly happened, why the economic downturn ruined his life, why he turned to the bottle, why he ended up on the streets.

We have no reason to feel much sympathy for this character because we really don't know anything about him. Did he have a wife? Children? Parents? You could have really hit us in the gut by detailing just how much this man lost in his downward spiral.

Your writing has a lot of potential, so don't be afraid to stretch out and really WRITE. Trust me, if you have a good story to tell, readers will stay with it for however long it takes.

Good luck in your future efforts.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
Beautiful!

Beautifully written story of contrasts between the well-to-do and the poor. The Christmas descriptions were outstanding, very vivid, almost like being there. What a true-to-life story of success downsized to failure. An interesting read!

Well Written!

damppantiesdamppantiesover 17 years ago
Well done

A very profound and inspiring story. Good luck with the contest.

sacksackover 17 years ago
I agree with Jackstraw.....

You need to "show" more rather than simply offer description, fascinating as though it is. This story deserves a more thorough treatment, and although an author doesn't have to reveal everything about his characters, it sounds like you got tired and ended the story in an abrupt manner.

AnonymousAnonymousover 17 years ago
please start to have a heart

I work at a "truck stop". My boss does not allow people to come in and get warm. It breaks my heart. They come in looking for a ride. Please keep writing.

AnonymousAnonymousover 13 years ago

Really sad, well written but that just makes it all the more heartbreaking.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
Sad

Scary story. I came close to the same fate so this feels real.

Well written, nicely done.

FiveWolvesFiveWolvesover 10 years ago
Beautiful detail

Very moving. Thank you.

AnonymousAnonymousover 10 years ago
closer to reality than many want to admit

While I still have my health; I have in fact been out of work for 3 years and lost almost everything

rightbankrightbankalmost 9 years ago
touch

that is what this short window into life does. it touches nerves and emotions usually held deep inside.

because of the feelings stirred up it deserves at least 5*****, but that does not mean it was a warm and pleasant read. but, I think that is the point. you are supposed to feel it tug.

AnonymousAnonymous7 months ago

Brilliantly put over. It happens to too many - not over their own making mostly too. I have never been there but at the time that you write about (and other specific times of the year) it is so much more difficult and hard for these people. Thank you for the beautifully written piece.

Anonymous
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