All Comments on 'What Really Is Cheating?'

Bravo Severusmax. You have put my own personal opinions into words.

Cheating is only a man-made phenomena and smells of "slavery" or being tied down to one sex partner. I believe we lost our slaves sometime back during Civil War in the USA. This is BULLSHIT in its finest form!

....not because it expressed a different view, which I don't share. I don't delete because of such viewpoints. Nor do I delete constructive criticism. However, I will delete racist remarks, such as what the previous commenter made. You are entitled to make such remarks and have such views, but I am entitled to delete them. I don't have any use for racism, homophobia, etc. Hatred for race, gender, sexual preference, etc. is something that I will not stomach on my public comments board. You have a First Amendment right to say such things, but you don't have a right to make me to keep them up here on my own PC board. As the author, Lit has given me the prerogative to choose which comments to keep and which to delete. I seldom delete comments these days, but I make exceptions for vicious, personally derogatory, and hateful comments, such as those directed at me personally or toward an entire race, sex, or sexual orientation. The racial part got that comment deleted.

I disagree with Don's views, too, but at least he avoided racial epithets and slurs.

Cheating is anything done without your partners knowledge which said partner would dis-approve of if they knew of it and you understand the fact of that dis-approval

In my case I am cheating by reading literotica stories.

I was always told, "Eatin ain't Cheatin". I have never had sex with another person since I got married, but have had a couple of blow jobs and some heavy feeling around. Some say if you have enough at home you don't need to stray.

I was always told, "Eatin ain't Cheatin". I have never had sex with another person since I got married, but have had a couple of blow jobs and some heavy feeling around. Some say if you have enough at home you don't need to stray.

Wacking off is nothing.

Wacking off with help is more.

Secret e-sex is the razor's edge of cheating.

My wife did some, and got all guilty.Finally had to confess. But we're Catholic, and enjoy our guilt.

She does not know about my stories on this site. Some are very much about her, about us fucking.

Is it just blabbing, or am i cheating?

I suspect that i'm cheating.

I can see even a person who says he believes in an open relationship (which is wide open to what that means to each person) can still see that vows or contracts are real not just words.<p>I see in most people that if they truly have found that one person who they invest all their feelings and energy in, they can not even consider wanting them to be with another and sharing what is the most special of themselves. It is that true commitment and yes real love that makes marriage special. If it is not a profound love or commitment then many feel it is ok to share them selves as long as both agree. This works for some but they in most cases have no real idea of what a deep mind blowing feeling it is to love someone so immeasurably.<p>All this being said, trust is what any relationship is based on and if you cheat you have destroyed all that is excellent and that is the trust. Once you have lost trust once it will never be the same again, no matter how you try to fix it.<p>Fine points to write on as many people don’t get the significance of cheating till it is too late.<p>Thanks for you words.<p>PT

My definition of cheating is simple: if you wouldn't do it with your partner right there but will do it behind their back, you're cheating on 'em.

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Thoughtful essay. Thank you, SEVERUSMAX.

Thank you for your thought provoking piece. As long as you were talking about elements of behavior which are done without the knowledge and with out the consent of both partners I am with you. The deceit is essential to the cheating not just because of the semantics. But if you think about it , if you want to include elements of behavior which are not deceitful but are manipulative (as you have) and call them cheating soon you will find yourself in trouble (according to your system). Withholding sex could be according to you cheating if it aims at achieving some advantage. But is it so simple? What if that partner have been treated disrespectfully earlier. As a result that partner has come to a decision no respect no sex. That partner feel s that having sex upon demand while or after being treated disrespectfully is overall degrading, and therefore even if in a particular moment he/she would not mind absorbing the disrespect (because of being used to it…) have decided no to continue doing it. Is that partner cheating even as he/ she is talking openly about it with his/her partner? I don’t believe that you would claim that it qualifies as cheating. This was an example to illustrate the problem in your system. You can’t separate the sex from the relations as a whole. As long as there is no cheating as in dishonesty and lying going on, and two sides negotiate their terms of sexual needs and expression of you can not call any more any specific behaviors under this title ‘cheating’. Bottom line, the deceit is the core criterion.

I don’t know, but to cheat one must first have a contract. I’m not a lawyer, but isn’t there such terminology as assumed, or common law definitions, verbalized or expected behavior and considerations that would be included in court proceedings if or when a business contract was assumed to have been violated?

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I know there is in most states a common law marriage. In addition, the expectations of such would include a vast amount of “expected” behaviors. Breach of contract unless written “in contract” could then very easily be…

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Therefore, cheating could be any behavior by one spouse where the other spouse feels alienated, excluded or the contract breached. This could also include such behavior as one spouse investing too much time in hobbies or work so that the other felt themselves alone and excluded from the life of their spouse.

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Marriage and relationships are contracts. Contracts in which each person promises to involve themselves in the life of the other and provide a certain (assumed or expressed) behavior or actions. Anything less is a breach of contract and therefore cheating.

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Relationships are multi-fold. I could be cheating you (a total stranger), if we met on the street and I “cheated” you out of the common respect and decency normally given a person.

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I cannot accept that cheating can be defined down to specific acts. This is, that isn’t.

i am part of an open relationship as well...we keep no secrets from each other...even if it's done online we still tell each other EVERYTHING...and i really have to agree...anything done behind your partners back constitutes cheating...although...i would even go so far as to include kissing as being cheating if the other party doesn't know about it..if you wouldn't do it in front of them or if it changes whatever either spoken or unspoken agreement you have....it's cheating...plain and simple...

If there is no marriage contract as nici says, respect is the only real issue as there is no documented agreement of intended or non-intended exclusivity.<P>

Cheating is pretty much a non-definative term as it applies to non-marital relationships. And to expand on nici's comment, without documentation [contract]it is a he said - she said without definition or teeth. Even infidelity has several meanings in and out of marriage.<P>

My point is that it's unclear what the writer is trying to express. Is he trying to apply the sense of a contractual agreement to a non-marital situation? A non-spoken in detail verbal agreement with or without witnesses's? A binding non-written agreement to what end? Future division of or Ownership of children and or worldly possesions? Is this an expression of position or a recommendation for others?

I think he is saying there is a responsibility as a human being to treat others as he wants to be treated but that still isn't very definitive depending on one's perspective.<P>

Cheating on a test is pretty definitive whereas taking advantage of another is a grey arena without some written definition.<P>

Still the writers expressed thoughts do provoke comment & discussion which can be good.

but found for the most part I agree with you. I am not involved in an open relationship nor do I think I would care to be in one, although my wife has given me permission to do so. We have been swingers in the past and may be again but we dont cheat on each other because each and every case is by prior agreement and together. She is bi but that is also covered by our swinging relationships and isnt interested in ourside love affairs with males or females. Yes we both have friends we feel very strongly about or love if you will but it does not infringe on our lives in any way and does not take one of us away from the other. My definition if cheating could be expanded but begins with an exclusive relationship, didnt say anything about a contract, mutually agreed upon by both parties, well in Texas at least verbal contracts are good as gold. If either party deviates from the exclusiveness of the relationship without the prior knowledge and consent of the other it is cheating and from my point of thinking everything about the relationship from that time on is toast. To many diseases and such out there for one person to expose the other to without prior knowledge and consent period. There is no excuse that can cover not being good for your word!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Methinks some on here live a life they write stories about to get some sort of hell yeah from others to validate themselves. Sorry folks trash is trash and iffn ye fall there expect to be swept up and away.

be again some time. both of us agree cheating by either of us would destroy the marriage. We always are open in our discussions with each other and in our feelings about ourselves, our marriage, and others. For several years we have sought a female as a third in the marriage but for one reason or another we have never found one that we all three click together that works. Anony in US says Nice thinks if there is no marriage contract cheating by definition cannot occur. Assuming most of what is written here is accepted for married couples lets diversify. If two people agree to be a couple and to remain faithful to each other, either as engaged or in the more old fashioned way "going steady" and one cheats, that relationship is thereby destroyed. Now we are down to dating, suppose to people claim to be exclusive just to each other, this is a very rational thing in this day of deadly STDs. If I guarantee a seller to buy exclusively from him and get a sizable discount, and them buy from somewhere else for aone time good deal, is my exclusive deal with the seller still valid. Legally and morally it isnt. When one gives their word of an exclusive relationship and at the same time searches for something better or sexier or easier, one has broken the agreement and it is void. Since I am male I will deal with me. I offer a young woman the opportunity to live in my home with me since we have and exclusive agreement with each other. Once settled into my home I find she is going out dancing, chatting, and giving her phone number to men. Is the relationship broken even if she doesnt have sex with the other men? In my opinion she has cheated on the relationship, time, effort, emotions go into those other "contacts". That is time, effort, and emotions that are stolen from our relationship. Now we are no longer exclusive but just people who date each other. Put as delicately as possible I would have her belongings packed and ready when she got home to move into her new housing as I dont provide free housing for women that are involved with others. Actually I would not care to have sex with her any longer as I dont know what diseases she was bringing home that day. And yes we swing, we do it together, usually with couples and are in full agreement that both of us want to be with that couple, them comes the delicate part about medical issues and safety. Its to late to ask someone after the act!

I'm surprised to know that others actually think of this subject as I do. Being an open minded woman, it was difficult for me to realize the choice I made for a husband wasn't very good. I was open to him having free reign over what he pursued as long as he came back to me and didn't deny our family of normal husband/father duties. He automatically took this to mean that I cheated on him since I let him have a mistress, denying me of any time together with him in bed. I didn't have any affairs on him, though I did have quite a few online friends and role played on sites a few somewhat erotic scenes. I considered that no more cheating than I did his large collection of porn. Unfortunately (or perhaps it's fortunately?), I had separated from him for the sake of my daughter, not wanting her to be raised around a man that thought ill of his caring wife.

But I'm getting a little off subject, eh? Forgive me, please. All in all, your logic made perfect sense to me. Though I would have been open to him allowing me a bit more leeway with the relationship, I was fine with him having the mistress that he had if it meant a happier house hold.. I must say that part of my decision was based on the fact that I lacked confidence in myself, and still do a bit.

Although I've never been involved in anything other than a monogamous relationship (and have no wish to), I can understand and agree with most of what you say.

The only place where we part company is near the end; the part where you say that "In my view, incidentally, once an agreement is broken, it's no longer valid or in force."

I think that this is just a little too uncompromising. People make mistakes; people can be tempted to do things they wouldn't normally do; we are all human. Although I know I'd be horrified if my own partner, for whatever reason, was tempted or persuaded to do something she knew would hurt me I could not, on the basis of a single straying, convince myself that it was enough to nullify a long-lasting and loving relationship and simply say that the "agreement is broken, it's no longer valid or in force." In truth, I consider a relationship to be far more than an 'agreement.' It is, for both me and my partner, a sharing of every part of our lives; the joys and disappointments, the hopes and the despair, the triumphs and the disasters - all of it. If she ever was to stray I hope my first reaction would be to look honestly at myself to see if there was some way that I had failed - before I even attempted apportioning any kind of blame.

Even then, whatever the outcome of that, my first response would be to search for a way to repair whatever damage had been done to the relationship and that would only be achievable by talking - without fear and without anger - as two equals who, hopefully, would still want to share the remainder of their lives together.

it is a selfish act,westerns or should i just say people for the most part are scum now, instant feeding instant me mememe.....no god except there own, in todays world men still die for family,country,god,love but then they think i did this good thing i get a free evil deed, and women think they have been kept down so they want pay back, we have souls, evil is not canceled out by good deeds, you know you are cheating......fuck you all.

truth is truth

fuck you if think otherwise

men cheat because they fear no spiritual payback, they do it because to them the other person doesn't matter they have no center.

women cheat because they are sluts, they enjoy the emotional pain they cause there mates even if only in a fantasy in their head, in today's world they get off on the death of men....see 911...those men died for her...because she is worth more than a man.

men cheat because they dont think they matter to women

women cheat because men dont matter to them

prove me wrong.....women think they are better...men just dont care any more

I agree with you.

Cheating is doing other that the spirit of what an exclusive relationship is.

there are no technechalities. If you are using one to rationalize behavior you are probably cheating on a level.

It isn't rocket science to be able to tell the difference between having a different card partner and life partner.