All Comments on 'Betrothed Ch. 01'

Love it so far! can't wait for the next chapter!

Good work, you've got me intrigued with the first chapter! Can't wait for chapter two.

But you've left a lot of things up in the air, such as who these people are, what era, etc.

Keep writing.

I liked the way you pulled the reader in, making a great build up and then a tense moment at the end. Can't wait to see what happens next.

So an 8 and 12 year old are talking about sex and breast size? Really? Well written but rather implausible there.

There's a TON of red flags waving from the very beginning of this story. As others have mentioned, the 8 year old girl being teased about small breasts? All girls that age haven't developed yet. I realize that this is fiction, but so far you have led us to believe that we're dealing with human beings on Earth. 🌎 You can stretch realities when writing fiction, but that opening was absolutely absurd.

Since Allison is slated to marry someone else within hours, we also have to assume that the childhood sweethearts have been separated from each other for quite some time, yet Allison's reaction to her former sweetheart wasn't expected.

Another huge red flag for me is the combination of the single page opening to the story line along with the fact that this was written 15 years ago or more. Experience has taught me that those factors generally indicate a serial story that is never going to be finished. I fully expect to read about 5 or 6 chapters and get left hanging. When you're not dedicated to writing chapters longer than 10,000 words, then you're generally not dedicated enough to finish your own damn story.

I'll go ahead and dive into this because I'm a sucker for childhood sweetheart stories. My own 'That Girl Next Door' is a prime example of the genre. But this short single page BARELY earned 3/5. I probably should change that vote to a 2.