by acdd123
The story was well written. However, there were two, what I believe to be, serious problems. First, I almost stopped reading during the first paragraphs. I don't like to have to stop and try to sort out the players. It was very confusing. Secondly, though this is fiction, it falls flat when the plot becomes completely unbelievable. It crashed when you left the husband as completely clueless in the end.
Five, count them FIVE new characters mentioned in the first paragraph. Screw that. It's supposed to be a story, not work. I stopped reading then and there.
Five new characters? Just one: Lance. The others are from the previous Polly stories.
I like it, but it ended far too quickly, like Bernard.
Not quite nut-busting material but not bad either. A couple notes: you set up Lance as a cocky alpha-male type but this never manifests itself - he should revel alot more in humiliating Bernard - as much or more than Polly does. It should be a turn on for him to paw at her and maul her in front of Bernard under "innocent" pretenses (for example, giving her a "massage", or teaching her how to swing a golf club). Again, decent stuff but I want to see Polly on Lance's lap grinding her ass into him while Bernard just stands there and can't understand.
DEFINITELY keep it up though!
Fortunately I have not read any of your earlier stories. In my opinion, one is more than enough, unless you're an avid fan of super wimp stories which I am not.
the Ct. Yankee
The descriptions and character of Polly are definitely on fire. The previous stories were staples of this genre of erotic lit, but here you introduced a second dynamic charater which disrupts the hierarchy. There's not enough room for Lance in my opinion.
However she may need to slow down a bit, really get every bit out of this wild character.