All Comments on 'Her Light'

Hot -- sweetly sad -- and beautiful. I really liked it that the MC didn't give in to the pressure of going to the party. She stayed true to herself, and did what she had to do. Terrific, Damn P.

sad but very sweet, some of the words brought tears to my eyes, and loved the ending, how one can transform a feeling of loss to sheer optimism, well done

I will read more of your stories, I liked this one (her light)but at first didn't know what I was getting into then I couln't stop reading.

I felt the sadness and loneliness of Shaunna; a testimony to your writing skills. An enjoyable read. Good luck in the contest.

You made me cry! Bravo, ripper of a story, beautifully written. Well done.

that I've read and voted. Oh, and, when will I see more lesbian stories from you, huh? ;)

I loved this one, btw.

beautiful...dang if i knew you wrote like this i would have started reading your stories sooner ;)

Great story!

Poignant... and the most perfect title!

Sad but true to life. One must face the darkness before moving into the light.

A well written tale, full of emotion. I'm glad to have come across this story by one of my favorite writers.

and I'm glad you didn't have her kill herself. Gorgeously done.

I really enjoyed your story - one of the best I've read on here - well done.

I know exactly where Shauna has been. This was a beautiful tale of coming to terms with grief. It's never an easy thing, but you captured the essence perfectly.

*wiping my eyes* *cant speak*

Very sensual and sad and romantic all at the same time. Great job.

In erotic fiction that is not well done, the emotion is often drowned. We forget the characters are people with feelings and frailties, struggling with joy and pain and loss. No chance of forgetting that with this story. Exquisitely done, with the right degree of restraint. I was glad she was alive at the end.

So full of emotion and well written. Good luck in the contest!

The first paragraph is like you’re trying to kill the reader with your thesaurus. Use synonyms for a change up, but not to show off how knowledgeable you are, such as ‘instrument’ instead of ‘phone’ in the 3rd paragraph. ---- Forget the obligatory exchange of pleasantries of the first few spoken lines. If dialogue can’t be meaningful or important, it shouldn’t be. ----- Make Michael come over instead of call. It’s more dramatic and confrontational and he can see what Shaunna has planned. ---- “A tear escaped and plopped down on the glass” NOW you need your thesaurus. PLOPPED is definitely the wrong word here. How about “As she put the receiver down, she noticed the small pool of tears near the phone which had formed during her conversation. A sliver of light refracting though the salty liquid formed the image of her lover. As if in a dream, she reached out and tried to touch her lover’s face, only to be brought back to reality by the sensation of her own cold, wet tears. ---- “She started the ritual she had planned for this night.” Too many sentences are “She did this” and “She did that” Even a simple change like “It was time for the ritual she had planned for this night.” is better. ----- “she felt the chill in her heart melt a little.” This can be more symbolic. How about “Although the fiery passion she once felt in her heart was no more, the smoldering embers could never die out. As she lit the twenty-seven tiny candles, one for each year in the all too brief life that had been extinguished, the fire in her heart began to grow, radiating throughout her body and warming the cold, October air.” ---- “the wooden box in the middle. She knelt down and touched its surface, her fingertips barely touching the scarred wood, charred black on one side, silky brown on the other.” This is just a visual description. Give the box a little personality. “The small, wooden box was burnt and scarred. Just like a mother giving her own life to save her child, it was almost as if this little box had sacrificed itself to protect its precious contents from harm.” ---- Later on you write “She stared out into the night, wondering if what she was about to do was correct.” The word ‘correct’ makes it sound a little too much like she’s wondering if she’s connecting the right wires on the vcr. How about “She stared out at the night and saw the black, empty void that was her future without her lover.” ---- Unless I missed it, I don’t think I did, you never mention the name of Shaunna’s lover. You also give a long description of how her lover makes SHAUNNA feel and what she did in the restaurant, but you really should make the lover come alive (no irony intended). Give her a name, physical description, personality traits. You might be trying to make her into an Everywoman for those who have lost a lover, but it’s a big detriment to the story. You can’t really tell the reader ‘insert name of your lover here’. Make us care about the lover, too. ----- Use my comments or ignore them. It’s your story.

Full of vivid, visceral imagery, and lush prose.

wonderfully written... great story...

There aren't enough stories like this here or anywhere. Love your prose, your crafting of phrases, your choice of words to paint evocative pictures. A moving story, a telling story.

I still have tears streaming down my face. Thank you for something totally different and yet still mind blowing...

A piece de resistance in emotional turmoil. The language was fabulous and the themes were stunning. I absolutely loved it.

Fantastic story, and quite touching at that. The little details really drove it home and made you feel the connection the main character had/still has. I look forward to reading more from you.

this is a friggin lesbo skank story of mental illness!