All Comments on 'And that's the bell.'

by Willow Rain

Sort by:
  • 6 Comments
WickedEveWickedEveabout 16 years ago
~

Willow, it seems like you really poured your heat out in this poem. I think you have something good to work with here. It does need more work, though. Maybe tighten it up some. I did mention your poem on the poetry reviews thread on the literotica poetry forum.

UnderYourSpellUnderYourSpellabout 16 years ago
~

I was in there with you feeling each blow each cutting remark and wearing my bruises with pride when I could hold my head up and keep on walking away

AnonymousAnonymousabout 16 years ago
TKO

This is very good and much more interesting than many more highly polished poems.It could be exceptional with some editing perhaps. In some places even whole lines might be omitted but you would have to be careful not to lose the raw grittiness. A 90 I reckon so I'll go the 100

KOLKOREKOLKOREabout 16 years ago
Srtong and evocative

I love the intensity the directness and the courage you demonstrated in the poem. By now, the talent is a forgone conclusion… I was immediately drawn into the emotional world conveyed both by the extended image and by the strong evocative ‘plain’ language you chose to use otherwise. <P>

My ‘critical’ comments are more or less in a similar venue of the previous comments Even with my two “buts” I am not forgetting that it’s not easy to strike the right balance or always weigh accurately (as if it was a pharmaceutical prescription) how much telling should be inserted or how many more details you wish to add to your image so it would be lively but not collapse from overweight.

First, few times I felt that you came out from the main boxing imagery to explain the image rather than to move on with the poem.

The second point, at times I felt that you were repeating some points which I thought were not adding to the poem at the place you decided to make the repetition. (like emphasizing the fact that you are not made for fightingn)<P>

Still, any perceived imperfections of this poem leave most others way behind.

KOLKOREKOLKOREabout 16 years ago
Srtong and evocative

I love the intensity the directness and the courage you demonstrated in the poem. By now, the talent is a forgone conclusion… I was immediately drawn into the emotional world conveyed both by the extended image and by the strong evocative ‘plain’ language you chose to use otherwise. <P>

My ‘critical’ comments are more or less in a similar venue of the previous comments Even with my two “buts” I am not forgetting that it’s not easy to strike the right balance or always weigh accurately (as if it was a pharmaceutical prescription) how much telling should be inserted or how many more details you wish to add to your image so it would be lively but not collapse from overweight.

First, few times I felt that you came out from the main boxing imagery to explain the image rather than to move on with the poem.

The second point, at times I felt that you were repeating some points which I thought were not adding to the poem at the place you decided to make the repetition. (like emphasizing the fact that you are not made for fightingn)<P>

Still, any perceived imperfections of this poem leave most others way behind.

LeBrozLeBrozabout 16 years ago
██

Wow! Raw, powerful, and gritty metaphorical read. The first impulse is to want this cut down through some careful editing. But don't know that much can be cut without ripping out the soul of this piece. You show so vividly the powerful hurt that words contain.

Anonymous
Our Comments Policy is available in the Lit FAQ
Post as:
Anonymous