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High School Love

byHobbitman456©
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Comments (6)
by Anonymous

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by Hobbitman45605/18/08

Author (not a real comment)

Please, anyone who's reading this, leave a comment or tips on how to improve/make it better. This is my first work of literotic fiction.

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by Daniellekitten05/18/08

If you seriously want criticism

...First of all, never ever put more than one person's side of dialogue in one paragraph. It's a major no no. Secondly, slow down a bit. Remember, your reader wants to know how your protags feel, what they think, even what they smell. They like to hear how the sheet feels against her skin or his skin, how the taste of pizza in her mouth turns him on...etc. Good luck!

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by MollyDolly05/18/08

A little rushed

The pace was a little fast, there seemed to be very little love about it- and why would Ali want to be with any guy who bragged about taking her virginity? I sure hope that guy can redeem himself!

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by Anonymous05/18/08

Men don't brag, Boys do!

Molly Dolly said it for me. He is just a high school kid without consideration for others. Maybe you can figure out how to redeem him with me and for his girl.

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by Anonymous05/19/08

Whoa Silver

Slow it down, it went so fast that there was no build up so therefore the sexual intent ofthe story was lost. The fact that he goes from being unpopular to someone with a spine all of a sudden, maybe he's always been like that, but it wasn't prefaced earlier in the story.

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by Hobbitman45705/22/08

Hobbitman456 Lives!

I am Hobbitman456, and I rise from the dead, in the account of Hobbitman457. I do plan to continue High School Love, and am currently working on the sequel, High School Love: Ch 2, under Erotic Couplings. I will swear on the grave of my grandmother that I am the very same person!

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