All Comments on 'How To Piss Off My Wife'

There was a lot of truth in your story. I've heard some of the comments too. Enjoyed the humor. Good luck in the contest.

An avid reader.

1) When the husband asks what's for dinner, he was home all day watching TV. When you ask "Why didn't you pick out something?" I didn't know what was in there.

2) "Hey, honey, do you have the money to pay the taxes on the house?" I tell him no, I paid the gas and electric bill because I thought you said it wasn't due until next week. "Well, it's due Tuesday, that's next week isn't it?"

After living together for over 15 years I'm use to it and have learned to set money aside in an account with only my name.

Even the 'Ol Lady' can avoid a fight.

Ok, this really happened!

My girlfriend yesterday asked me "does my bum look big in this?"

and I said "no bigger than usual"

NOW! WHAT! IS! INSULTING! ABOUT! THAT!?!?

nothing, right?

OK... I wasn't really paying attention, but even if I had been, what the hell are you supposed to say?

Q "Does my bum look big in this?"

A "Compared to what?"

I've been thinking about this, and I still don't know what the answer is! I think she should just be grateful I've stopped calling her "Thunder Thighs" (as an affectionate term of endearment! - but this was NOT how it was received! WHAT is her problem???)

I've read the first couple of comments and I think they are great. Let's have a little fun here. To anyone who would like to, leave your comment that pisses off your spouse. If I get enough of them, they will go in my next year's 'How Too.'

My daughter told me she hates it in when her husband puts his dirty clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it. In her words, "All he has to do is lift the damn lid." I can tell she's my wife's daughter.

So write to your heart's content. Let's have some fun here.

Thanks for reading and commenting

DG Hear.

As a typical male, I know there are dozens (hundreds?) of phrases that can piss off my wife so instead, I'll offer a phrase that conjures visions of the Apocolypse every time I hear it. When I was single, the three little words that announced I was now in the middle of a minefield were, "I love you." There are myriad responses and you have to chose the right one immediately because any noticable delay in your response instantly makes anything you say WRONG. Now that I'm married, the Three Words of Doom have become, "Notice anything different?" If there is a safe response to this, I've never discovered it. Based on my experience, your best bet is to follow the 1950's era advice on how to survive a nuclear explosion - Duck & Cover!!

Record all sports events but be gracious about letting the little woman (oh, God, how my wife hates that term! Almost as bad as barefoot and pregnant). She wants to watch some chic flick, just say, "Sure, honeybunch!" You've got the game recorded and all weekend to watch it. Besides, you can watch that great 80yd TD catch 16 times.

While your wisdom is good I have learned (hard, bitter, tales) that it is better NOT to piss off the little woman ... who is barefoot and pregnant, by the way!

Good fun, Jack

A good laugh, DGH! This reminds me of an episode in Lost. For those who don't know it, it's produced by ABC, and it's about people who crashed in an island in the Pacific ocean. Anyway, there's this scene where Sawyer, a con-man with a Southern twang, gives English lessons to Jin, a Korean guy who's married and didn't speak English before the plane crashed. Jin says slowly, in halting English: 1)I'm sorry 2) You were right 3) Those pants don't make you look fat. Sawyer says: There, those are the three things women always want to hear! (or something like that). It was hilarious! I'm a woman and I was hysterically laughing when I saw that scene. Good luck on the contest DGH!

My wife has the most luscious mane of long, thick dark hair that I love, but which she is always talking about getting cut. One time early in our marriage (25 years this month), she got it cut and permed really short. It looked like shit, but I couldn't just come right out and say that. She asked how it looked, and I kind of hemmed and hawed, then told her it made her look, "matronly." Needless to say, I didn't get laid for a couple of weeks, and she still hasn't let me forget it... But she's never gotten her hair cut like that again.

You turned it into a Loving Wife tale with the bit

about the stupid things that his friend's wives did.

What a hell of a How-To. It's not what I'd normally read on Literotica, so this was fresh and new to me. I'm only 23, but I can appreciate the humor in this...all I have to do is think of my parents. :P

Awesome piece. Kept me laughing. :)

Yeah, can someone please email this to my husband. I'm tired of trying to explain it to him. lol

YES that comment about leaving the clothes on top of the hamper instead of lifting the lid will definitely piss a woman off. If you leave the dirty clothes on the floor in front of the hamper prepare yourself for either wearing dirty underwear or doing your own damn laundry....

This could have been summed up in one sentence:

Yes dear, I'm always wrong and you always know better, so I'll be sure to die early with a big insurance check for you or give you all I have in a divorce as pleasing you is what all men were born for.

Get some balls DG as women bitch, but prefer a man who makes them be a woman as the male keeps their testicles.

Divorce court is full of "yes men" women step on and go marry real men.

and God bless my Mother, who taught me most of the above and let me learn the rest the hard way so my girls and boys will learn the real lessons of life.

DG,

My first wife and I were married for almost thirty five years, before her death, and I think I stepped on each of those land mines of yours more then once. Thank You. Ronnie W.

I'll try to leave a coherent comment!

I also forgot to mention Back Seat Cooking. He will tell me how to cook when he doesn't even start anything before I get home. Either that or he will add spice and other ingrediants to what I'm cooking when I'm not looking. We won't mention the 4 bay leaves he put in my chile or the water he added to my asian chicken recipe. I can say it was the weirdest tasting chile and chicken soup we've ever had.

I let him take my car when it needs gas. He can use a quarter of a tank of gas on the week ends. He drive standard truck, I can't reach the clutch. Too short, under 5 feet and it's an F150.

We both snore. Who ever get's to sleep first keeps the other one awake.

I've been with him since I was 20 and now I'm 42.

Pissing each other off is an art form and we both enjoy it but we enjoy tagg teaming some other people even more.

as per your example, I have done the shopping EXACTLY according to the list I was given. I got the milk, bread, butter, bacon and eggs. Upon arriving home, I proudly demonstrate my shopping prowess by checking off the items one by one as I put them away and as I check off the final item with a flourish, she will ask, "Did you get some cheese?" "It wasn't on the list." I reply, to which I am told "Well you KNEW we needed some cheese! Can't you do anything right?"

enjoyed your essay and remember some truths in it.

The alternative to all that is to treat your wife as a human being. And remain calm and logical at all times. Personally if I were married to somebody who acted the way your "wife" acts here, I'd be off to a divorce lawyer in a flash.<br><br>

Vaguely amusing, but to be honest stereotypes like this irritate me more than humour me. And if this stereotype exists in the real world, the feminist movement is still at square one.

but I really agree that if all of those are really of one lady, and she really gets that mad, you are extremely unfortunate. I've yet to have a relationship with 1/10th the problems that pop culture says everyone should have, so to me, it was funny more in the way a sitcom is funny than a real story is funny.

Here's a feedback I thought I'd share. Remember to send in any pissing off the wife stories you may have. I might include it in a a How too, next year. Anonymous is fine.

AgainThanksto everyone for commenting and sharing.

DG

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Comments:

I laugh my ass off after reading How to Piss off My Wife. another thing that can piss off a wife, if she gets a new hair cut, for god sake tell her it is great without have that "what the hell did you do" look. With the toilet seat issue I found out my ex-wife could talk like a sailor. We had only been married a year, one night I was awaken by sharp pain to my side and someone talking in a demonic voice. after a few minutes I was fully awake and voice was my wife. she had went to the bathroom in the dark and sat down but there was no toilet seat to stop her descend. The water in a toilet is cold. My response to her after she had informed me of her anger, was " did you look before you sat down." I can not full tell you the response but I did sleep on belly for the next 3 months.

I had heard many of these funnies before, but I liked the way you incorporated it into the first person. It made me smile. Yes we girls can be like this but men have their foibles too. If we were all perfect, it would make for a very dull existence.

Thank you for a light-hearted chuckle.

Although some of these have been around the block, I really enjoyed this collection and chuckled a lot. When my wife cooks something, it is really critical that I tell her how much I like it. "Thank you for making dinner, it was really good, I think it was a good combination, etc." When it doesn't taste that good, she knows because I don't ask for seconds. Or sometimes I'll just indicate it needs more salt, or I'll put a bunch of hot pepper flakes on whatever it is. Now it is OK to skip desert if I don't like it. I need to lose some weight anyway, and she doesn't really care if I like her desert or not. The exception is when company is coming over. Her apple pie is really good, but she likes to hear it from me regardless. When she calls out, "Dinner's ready," I know it is time to run, not walk to the table. If I am in the middle of something, even if it will only take 30 seconds to finish (like paying a bill on-line, for example), I'd better leave it until later or I'll be in the dog house for the next 3-4 days. One other thing DG forgot to mention but I'll bet is true in most households; if she is "in the mood" I'd better get it while it's hot -- God forbid if I don't -- but if I'm in the mood, and she is not, I can't say anything. I guess double standards were invented for women . . .

DUMB CUNT ! Wanna realy piss her off ?

humourous & yet taught a lot

well done, i think it's hilarious....and true :)

We married to the same woman????

you have a very good wife.when my wife had PMT, arguments wre settled with her holding a carving knife under my chin, its surprising how much I agreed to.

she has now gone through the menopause, god you have nothing to look forwards to,

but to grin and bare it. you to will become a yes man, if only for peace and quiet.

You bear it to the fore and then compromise until she agrees -

Lol mush of that could be avoided by think first - then just shut the hell up heh

Several years ago my wife and I were in north Texas at an outlet mall. The ladies store we were in was fairly small and all of the "try on" rooms were in the back. These rooms were typical of the ones you find everywhere, four walls with a door but open on top. Anyway my wife found a dress she wanted to try on so we walked to the back and both of us went into the room. When I closed the door I heard one of the truly southern gentle ladies shopping in the store exclaim "Did you see that he just walked right on in with her". My wife of 36 years looked at me knowing my smart ass genes were about to activate... I stated in a somewhat loud voice "It's alright I've seen her naked many times before". For some reason she wouldn't speak to me for the rest of the day. Hell my sister in law thought it was hilarious. Go figure.....

I enjoy your humour. I hope your wife did your editing or gave you permission because otherwise you're in the doghouse. Owen

Every women is different as well as every man.

I have seen it all in one form or another.

I found the best thing to do when it comes to the female is to never give up control.

I'm old school and I guess it doesn't hurt that I was gifted with a porn star cock so my wife has the happy knowledge that if she acts up and starts with some of the things that a lot of wife's pull on there husbands I will not fuck her brains out. Very simple law in my house. I make the rules and she follows them and in return she gets 12 inches of pipe until she can't take any more. It works for me but I'm guessing not every marriage is the same.....Right.... LOL

The wife sounds both childish and abusive. My advice: Treat her like a child when she acts like one. Most of these battles are worth fighting because you are fighting for your dignity, as well as your marriage.

Hilarious. 5 *.

So truth hahaha

Funny because it's true. Well written!