All Comments on 'How to Survive an Affair'

You might want to write one from the perspective of a man who is being cheated on.

[From "Breaking the Rules of Sex and Marriage," some of the best writing ever to grace literotica.com:]

The "Old Flame" Syndrome

The point I'm about to make may be the most important of the entire column. If you take one piece of advice from this article... it is the one I'm about to make. It can change your perspective and your relationship, it's that powerful.

Everything seems better when it's from your youth, right? The food you ate, the car you drove, the places you went, the friends you had. It always seems like the good old days were so much better than perhaps they really were. The fact is that you're probably making more money, driving a nicer car and eating at better places than you ever did when you were a kid. The problem is, they all come with a price tag called responsibility, which is why it all seemed so much better back in the day.

Yes, time is like spackle for the memory. It smoothes over the rough spots and leaves only a clean and perfect surface. Nowhere is this more evident than with the old flame syndrome.

Has your spouse ever talked about their old girlfriend or boyfriend? What a great lover they were, what a great listener. How affectionate and attentive. Oh, all the wonderful things they did in bed. How can your sex life ever compare? One small point thoughyou guessed it, they married you.

What hasn't been brought up was the all-night fights, the jealousy, the unreliability, incompatibility, disloyalty, laziness and sloppiness. She cried when she didn't get her way. He had a fit when he wasn't in control. Her PMS turned her into a monster. His future included late night drinking with his old buddies. They cheated on you.

You forgot these things? Yes, it's incredible how time seems to obscure all the reasons you didn't marry your old flame.

And here is this person that did commit to you. Did have faith in you. Did remain loyal to you. Do you think you owe them a little something? I'm not trying to put you on a guilt trip around the world here. All I'm saying is that the past relationships you've had don't mean beans any more. They're in the past for a reason. Focus on what you've got in front of you. Stop wasting your time and energy and make the best of your relationship. You may be shocked what a huge improvement this one point can make.

...

[I'm happily married to a witty, sexy, loving middle-aged woman; we both have interesting pasts, and we've been through a lot with each other. I think about that passage at least once a month.

Thanks --

John from Virginia]

You have done a masterful job, especially in describing the parallel emotions of joy and despair one feels when falling in love with another man's wife after you've been married for 20+ years to someone who literally worships the ground you walk on...and for those who do not heed your warning-I too thought I knew "everything" about my new love and later (but not too late) found about about all of the others, as well as the one she was having an affair with at the same time as ours!

How to Survive an Affair is a true masterpiece....so real... so terrifying... so true...seemed as if someone is sitting inside me....

This is extraordinary--not what one expects to find on Literotica, but an essay that rings true in every respect. The details vary infinitely, but the journey with all its delights and enormous pains comes through in a way that I've seldom encountered, whether in fiction or "serious" writing, without caricature or presumption. Thank you for genuine compassion for the people who find themselves in this most human experience.

One piece of advice I gave to my kids is that you should never, and I mean never overlap relationships. If you don't like your marriage, end it. But end it before you take up with someone else. This simple rule will save countless heartbreaks and pain. Not all marriages or even relationships turn out well. You may fall out of love and want to part. So be it. But you do owe your partner enough respect to not constantly compare him or her with everyone you meet, like you're choosing the best melon at the market. Once you're in a relationship, you stop comparing. If you find you can't, maybe you shouldn't be in the relationship you're in. Just end it before moving on. Then you won't ever have to worry about the subject of this essay.

to justify an affair. And with no regard towards everyone's life you're affecting, it's being selfish. It's living in the moment, but there's a whole future of repercussions to consider. Never mind how the one doing the cheating survives it, how do the ones being cheated on survive?

I felt it was a waste of time to read. But I did have one question after reading your Bio. What was that picture all about? Strange.

Male, and married for a long time here. 5 years post-affair. Still with my wife.

This post was... gut-wrenching. I cried, twice. I never speak to her, but I think about her every day and I hate myself for it. I couldn't leave my kids and she had to give her husband another chance. We were good friends prior and falling in love just... happened. It was so unexpected it was shocking to be honest.

One thing I can say, the saying: "Once a cheater, always a cheater!", is total bull-shit. I would never go through that again, nor put my spouse, family & friends through it. Ever.

I had a great relationship with my wife once. It was a long time ago and I will never get it back now. It's been lost for... 10 years probably. It was gone long before the affair and I tried for years to get it back, but I just couldn't figure out what happened, or how to fix it.

If you're waffling about having an affair, Do. Not. Do. It. Seek counseling, professional or otherwise, or just leave. You may think that's scary (if you're honest), but it's much less scary that the alternative.

It will ruin the lives of those you love and it will ruin your own life beyond repair. The pain is yours, and theirs and it will Never. Get. Better. THAT is the one thing you should get from this article.

You wrote "You'll never be able to listen to certain songs. An expression someone uses will throw you for a loop. You'll be walking behind someone with a similar shape and similar hair to hers and your pulse will race. As you get closer, close enough almost to smell her again, she turns around or turns her head and it's not that face you loved, just the face of another stranger. What you wouldn't give to see that face just one more time, feel her touch, her skin, her kiss."

A while back I found something written about that very thing: "The truth is, that wherever a man lies with a woman, there, whether they like it or not, a transcendental relation is set up between them which must be eternally enjoyed, or eternally endured."

I'm an old man and, though I never had an affair, I have been married more than once, and single for times in between. The part about "eternally endured" is true. My memories of every woman I ever slept with are always with me, forever it seems, endured either because I wish I hadn't done it, or like BatsandGlamor, because I'll never see her one more time.

I never wanted to have more than one woman. I have always wanted each woman to be my last. If I'm lucky, I will get to eternally enjoy my relationship with the wife to whom I am now married.