by Victoriaslice
I won't deny it was hot. For your next story though maybe some actual dialogue, with quotations would add a little more spice? The words that these girls could've used would have provided so much more oomph. For instance, when they're f***ing and Joanna "tells" her the strap on is better than her boyfriend. A quote like, "Oh God! That's the best I've ever been stuffed!" (Continue with moans and groans maybe description of flesh slapping)
Just trying to help "flesh" out the scene a little. Get us to the point where we wish we were one of those girls. It's almost there now so please keep 'em cumming!
Please... A perverted 14 year old boy could have written this. Beside the fact that you only used cliches there were way to many grammatical errors for this to be enjoyable. If you are going to post things for the public at least have the respect for yourself to proofread it, just once even (let alone writing something original and interesting)