it was okay. Not sure why but a lot of first time writers only submit a tease for their first story. This felt rushed. Take your time on the next story. Read it to yourself out loud to get a feel of how others will hear it.
"He looked with awe at the virgin button before him, the hymen glistening with lubricant" You need to go back and read your biology book. You can't see a girl's hymen whether it's "glistening" or not. LOL
The story is short but not too bad. You should research the topic your story is going to be about before you write, it will make your story more believeable. Bring out the love between the man and woman, after all they are brother and sister, and there should be more that just sex between them.thanks for the post.
I'm sure you had a good premise for your story. I've been reading a lot of stories on the incest/taboo section and I'm SICK of writers not proof reading their stories! It is really simple to proof. Did you know you had them standing and all of a sudden she's lifting her hips to have her pants removed. When did they lay down? Where? Or are they sitting? He was playing video games. I haven't been leaving comments but I'm gonna start. I couldn't even finish this crap of a story because I'm tired of trying to figure out what you are all trying to say....
OH and don't say anything about me not writing. I do and I enjoy reading so I pick up on misspelled words bad grammar and badly conceived plots. MY RANT IS OVER!
The story and cant wait to see where Jonathan and Hannah take it from here
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