by chosak
and I can see where it might go. Be careful to keep it in first person. At one point instead of saying "I" you said "Oliver".
I love your first chapter. It was a bit short, but i can't wait to read more.
it would have been better if you left it unposted teaseing is never good and you totally destroyed all connection to human nature there is no way she would forgive him that quickly maybe in a few months or years but not minuets or hours keep it realistic and believable from now on this was a waste of time
Loved this story. Some people will be mad because of the lack of action, but there is need for stories with good buildup like this. Keep writing, PLEASE!
I thought it was a sweet story. You need to take your time with it though and work on the continuity and language. An editor would help a lot.
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Now, can someone please explain what the 'unposted' comment was about? Wow, talk about messed up...
You've got a good grip on writing and have set up your characters well: we now want to know what's going to happen between them. (Well, we hope we already know, and we want the details.) It was definitely too short and teasing for even a first chapter, but you should continue and build it up. I feel confident you'll do it well.
You've established your characters and their relationship, a little bit of a past together. Good descriptions and believable dialogue (though a teenager who doesn't have/know how to use Caller Id™ seems unlikely). Fun stuff! I'd like to see more, even if not a continuation of this story.
Very well written. You set a nice pace. Incest stories should always have a buildup, and you do it admirably.
I love it so far the caring and fun good story look forward to more