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Deployed, Tattooed, Transformed Ch. 01

bysophist801©
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Comments (55)
by Anonymous

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Good Start!

Already want the next installment. :)

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by mexbearlll01/01/10

what next?

you realy got me thinking !!!

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Hooray,

for the three part play!

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by hansbwl01/01/10

Interesting start.

This can be an interesting story.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Great Start

Good way to start the new year, thanks.

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by woodmanone01/01/10

Good Story

Your story is well written,has a good flow, and the characters are developed well. There is one problem though. Where are the next chapters? You've got me hooked so please hurry with the next segments. Well done and thanks for your hard work.

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by CSD201/01/10

Salute

Very nice start. Any complaints i'll keep to myself. Hurry up with the next chapter please.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Good start, but...

I have a question. If his second tour lasted 8 months, and his wife gave birth 6 months before he returned, then that means she became pregnant 7 months before he left on his second tour. So, why did he initially assume that the baby automatically couldn't have been his? Apart from his wife hiding the fact, which is a dead give away.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

14 or 13?

'..married 16 years with one 14 year old daughter.'

'Janice (my 13 year old daughter)'

I won't go off too badly because its your first submission, but get an editor to check for these type of errors, and several grammar and spelling mistakes. Otherwise, well written.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Interesting...

I find this story quite interesting. I can't wait to see how it develops.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Excellent start, hope you continue!

Well done! My only complaint was how he took his anger out on his daughter by not shaking her hand. Most likely she had been manipulated by her mother. Also, he did not even bother to confirm what had happened, for all he knew, she could have been raped. I'm looking forward to your next installment!-Ttom

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Good Start

I, too, am looking forward to the next chapter of your good first story.

But please watch your text as you called "Jane" by the name of "Karen" several times. Also, you need to answer why Jane would have named the baby Junior when it was not his baby as it adds even more to her disrespectful conduct toward her husband.

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by Poizon6901/01/10

Okay.

Post the next chapter. This one was interesting as others have said.

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by bruce2201/01/10

Major Mystery

How in hell did he not notice she was seven months pregnant on the eve of departure? Or is the key that he had an operation ten years before? Why Junior???? I wait with bated breath considering the great openers!

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Several problems.

This was very difficult to follow. Some of that was because of misplaced and misspelled words. Some of it was the time line made no sense. Another real problem is posting a story in several very short segments. This was not a chapter. If the other chapters are this length, it would only make a one chapter short story.

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by KOTK01/01/10

The Battle Is ON

Very impressive start, I love such stories. Please bring the next chapters quickly. Thanks for sharing

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by Anonymous01/01/10

A very interesting story

A very interesting story so far. There were a number of misused words such as using "and" instead of "an". Also a couple of items which were confusing. The daughter's age and
how long he was actually away from home. I really liked the story and hope to see the next chapters soon. As someone pointed out the chapter was short. For a first effort it was
excellent.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

good start though short

As others have said the timeline doesn't work without more information. Obviously he would have noticed if the slut was 7 months pregnant. Did he have back to back deployments without the opportunity to return home? This needs to be addressed. As far as the family goes, just divorce her, slut has an affair, another man's child (tattoes the child's initials on her neck), convinces his daughter to help cover up, obviously this bitch is just wasted space. I also feel bad for the daughter who is stuck in the middle, but she made the wrong choice. I look forward to the next chapter.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

daughter

I think it is going to turn out to be the daughter's child

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by Anonymous01/01/10

wow

pretty good for your first submission, asided from from typos and well, it was kinda short. it was short, but definitely got my interest and now i cant wait to see where you take it.honestly, id prefer to see them seperate and then divorce becuase really, theres no excuse for having another mans baby and then swearing the daughter to secrecy about it. that was a good part because i havent seen it other stories, as far as i can remember at least. now, most women and even men know that when they marry/date a military person, chances are good that they will be left alone for periods of time, which means no sex and by definition, a high level of trust. i wonder if she a "slip", got preggers and realize what a fucktard she is and decided to get "tattooed and transformed" as a way of showing how much she loved her major or and this theory seems pretty flimsy, she got raped but didnt want anyone to know? regardless, i like this story and even if i dont agree/like your ending, im sure itll be one hell of a story.

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by SELSTIM01/01/10

SUPERB WRITING

Your writing style is excellent. It really projects the emotions of a happy situation turning into an angry and tense one. Your story has a nice flow as the plot unfolds. Regardless, if this is just the first chapter or the complete story like so many other authors on this site like to offer the writing is exceptional. Thank you, I hope you will write more. It is a pleasure to read a story without stumbling over poor grammer and misspelled words.

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by fregen01/01/10

Thanks for writing!

A worthy first effort. You should consider an editor to smooth it out though.

He just finished his second (curtailed) overseas tour. It is now November 2009 and he has been gone 18 months. That means his first (10 month) tour started June 2008 and ended in March 2009. His wife gave birth on June 16, 2009. Backdating 9 months means she got pregnant mid September 2008. So she had to start stepping out almost immediately after he left.

It is possible that he might have been rolled from one assignment into another without a break - especially if he volunteered. But the Army gives R&R at the 6 month point. The first one would have been November/December 2008. If she was in the first trimester then it is quite possible she could have hid that from him. But as others have pointed out she would have been 7 months pregnant in April 2009 when his next tour started. Did he get home leave? The story doesn't specify.

Also is the daughter 13 or 14?

Lot's of questions to answer. Where is the baby? Why name him Paul junior if Paul isn't the father? Is the daughter part of the coverup?

Thanks for sharing.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Large holes

It's pretty hard to get pregnant and give birth, then assume that no one... no friends, neighbors, the doc would mention it to husband. As soon as he walked out of the Doc's office the wife would have been wondering if he had been told. Firm up the basis for your story to make them believable before you write. Story iteself is well written.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Dumb

Give us a break? 18 month? no hint ?? even dumber than not using sspellcheck. Did you read this shit before poting?

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Truth in fiction

Mate as a soldier I have to say there is some truth in this .Some friends of mine have come back to kids not their own.Good effort,I would like to see where he goes.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

the war is on

find who did it and what he going to do about it.search and destroy to who get in the way.go after the father of the baby.all fair in love and war.

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by C_frommn01/01/10

Choices

good or bad can and usually do come back to you. it looks
like Janice's Bad Decision came back to her. How long
did she think she cold hide he indescretion. she would have to bring bab home. or get caught going to see Baby and possibly the Daddy.
Like to see where things go fom here.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Bitching about nothing.

I personally liked the story. People who bitch about small typos and such, should just edit the story in their pointy little heads and enjoy the read, otherwise, just shut the fuck up with the bitching. Not a bad first effort. Looking forward to the next installment.

PS: I think a war veteren would not run away as your main charactor did. Just my opinion.

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by Anonymous01/01/10

Sad

It was a good story and well written. I certainly wish it was longer and find out more of what happened and the hows and whys. Sorry state that the wife got pregnant and even worst that she had her daughter help her conceal what had happen. Awful of a parent to do that to a young girl. I don't think him going back right away looking for another deployment is the answer, I certainly would be looking for some more answers instead of going off and wondering what had happened. Thanks for sharing.

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by Pistolpackinpete01/01/10

Re: "Bitchin about nothing"...

...and so you're the case in point?-Author,good job, If the TITLE has any bearing on the plot, I think I see where this is headed.But no cucks here,right?!!!Also.in military parlance,it's called reconnoitering,not "running away"!!

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by Anonymous01/01/10

good start

Good start please keep the chapters comming soon

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by Scorpio4401/02/10

A Major?

His training would be to get to the bottom of "what happened", make an assessment as to what to do about it and get on with it. The magic Marker was childish. His walking out was poor fathering for his teen daughter and unfair to her. My recommendation: write something else. Don't add anything to this except perhaps a "revised" version.

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by Anonymous01/02/10

Nice build up

Nice beginning.I ´m crazy to know wife version of the facts..."Doesn't Mean Anything..." hahah

Go on!

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by zed001/02/10

Great Start

I suspect he might have demanded a bit more information before storming off. His first stop would be the lawyers, unless she was raped.

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by Anonymous01/02/10

You consider this manly behaviour?

Fuckin horrible non-story.

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by Risq_00101/02/10

You know I'm surprised!

Personally I liked the start.

But here's what I don't get:

- The folks that feel your main character is being childish so far.

From your story the main character was out of the country. His wife gave birth to a child who was not his and both his wife and daughter hid what happened from him and pretended that nothing out of the ordinary happened while he was gone. And the wife even went as far as to name the child after him to keep people from wondering or knowing whatever her situation was while her husband was out of the country, and to allow them to believe he fathered a child he didn't father

Him writing the lie on the wall and leaving isn't childish. Slapping around his wife and child for the lie would have been. Standing and yelling and screaming at them would have been. Leaving before it gets ugly is what adults do, and is expected by the law.

- The ones that felt he should have confronted her right then and there.

The first thing the Police will tell you in a domestic violence call is that one of the party's (usually the male) is expected to walk away and cool off before dealing with any volatile situation. And if they don't most states will help you do it by keeping you in jail for 24 hours to stop it. Most violent situations take place in the heat of the moment. You never have to say you're sorry for walking away from someone who wronged you to get your bearings. But you will for something you say or do in the heat of the moment.

You're developing the main character in a way where he had the presence of mind to walk away and get himself under control first, which is the more mature reasoning, and is often what I do when faced with a negative situation instead of flying off the handle.

I'm totally amazed at the folks who push for a confrontation in stories. Why? He only has enough information to cause her harm without more facts. And any fighting on his part, even just loud disturbances such as yelling at each other where the police respond to the house, may cost him career as well as everything. That's retarded. Why give up his life because his wife had and gave away a child that wasn't his without ever telling him what she was up too? There may be a billion explanations, but there are only a few that cover this where she had to use their medical coverage and doctors.

No I liked the start. You gave him some strength of character and some backbone. And that seems to be missing from too many stories lately. Most are having the males suck up their crushed pride, accepting whatever happens to them, and then the authors even go a step further and have them grovel and accept all the blame for the problems the wives caused in the marriage, because they just can't live their lives without that one person who hurt them so badly, and once they are finished emasculating the men they then call the finished story "romance" because they consider what they did a happy ending. I call it maladjusted. And I could see where the main character felt like his wife and daughter teamed up against him because if she carried the child to term she would have been pregnant 10 months (40 weeks) and it would explain his loss of sanity as he realized that his daughter "had" to know what was going on.

I would rather he point out what they did wrong like this by writing their deception on the walls, than beat on his wife and try to excuse it away as his right for being wronged.

Thanks for the nice story start. I'm just curious where it will go from here. Could you tell us how many parts there are?

-Risq

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by Anonymous01/02/10

I thought it was really a good start

While there are many people not understanding why he walked out of the house I completely understand it. The guy just got back from deployment and the two things that kept him grounded betrayed him from the word go. So what do you do once you find out that everything that you survived for is a lie? The daughter was innocent up till the point she was willing to let the mother lie to the father. She may have done it to keep the family together but how the father sees it is acceptance and choosing a side.

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by Anonymous01/02/10

Excellant if unrealistic story

Well written first effort if a little unbelievable. Huge welcome home party with all of his family and friends and no one mentions missing 6 month old son! His temper tantrum did ,as many have said, seem pretty childish and typical literotica cliche of fleeing without confronting wife or finding out an facts is always irritating, but I think you write very well. Keep it up.
60 year old George

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by torchthebitch01/02/10

Great start

Very good first story. It came as a surprise to me how much you need to write to fill one Lit page. Readers who have not written do not realise this and often comment that the part is too short. Do not worry about the comment but continue with your own style. I found it interesting that you considered his daughter had to be involved in the secret. Often they are accorded a free pass, but it does introduce an interesting sub-plot for examination. There are a number of directions this could go so I'll hold any other comments. Most know what I'd do anyway.

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by Anonymous01/02/10

BRAVO # 55

This work needs no further explanation or follow-up.It stands on its own;a concise and perfect story.We have all we need to understand and have a sense of empathy for Paul!Paul is a man of honor,a hero,a leader in war and peace, a man of pride, and a proud father.He would never do anything that would bring shame on his good name.Yet,this is what his slut-whore-wife Karen has achieved!She has dishonored and disrespected him .She has given his good name to a child born of her vile lust with another of her lovers.A lover so diametrically opposite Paul that he tries to foist his bastard on a man of honor.Even Paul's daughter,Janice, is complicite in his betrayal!There is only 1 course of action for an honorable man ; leave these strangers and never look back!Lest some weaklings say that there could be a logicl explanation; be advised that many responsible people in our miltary that would have kept Paul informed.At the very least the U.S. O. would have obtained emergency leave for Paul.In the case of rape, the Judge Advocates Office would have been involved.No matter what transpired,no one would have allowed Paul to walk into this mess without some type of heads up for fear of Paul killing himself.Therefore, we must assume that the birth of this child was the result of some illicit behavior on the part of Karen.We must,also,assume that wife,daughter,and lover have engaged in a conspiracy to keep Paul in the dark and steal his good name.As such this is an excellent example of the dichotomy that divides men and women in the U.S.A. today.To a man of honor such as Paul, his good name means more to him than life,itself!Therfore,Paul will never do anything ,knowingly,that could cause injury to his good name.This is a typical conviction held by many fine American men.Karen's attitude is typical of the attitude of many American women.Karen's word is not her bond.Karen thinks nothing about giving Paul's good name to her lover's bastard.There is no act of indecency that she would not participate in as soon as Paul is out of her sight.Her moral compass is based on the concept of situational ethics.Her attitude is best characterized by the lyrics of an old song that could be paraphased as,"when you can't be with the one you love;love the one you're with! "Ritterburg #55

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by Anonymous01/02/10

Kill the whore!!!

Now he needs to find the lover(s) and kill them. Then arrange an accident that will take out the wife. Put the bastard up for adoption and take his daughter somewhere else and start over.

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by Anonymous01/03/10

Those Who Pretend to Understand Others Grief Are

egotistically assuming and blind to another's pain.

And so Author - put those comments away as carelessly biased and follow the path you have charted.

Nice work so far so I and many look forward to the rest.

With Regard

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by Anonymous01/03/10

so, where is the rest?

Not a bad start, but surely you had all three chapters written? Post 1 a day at least.

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by Anonymous01/03/10

Very Good, but a couple of inconsistencies.

As a few others have commented, I like your writing. The use of the patriotism at the beginning almost guarantees the average reader to complete the story. But there are two inconsistencies.

In the beginning you speak of an “eighteen” month tour, and then an “8” month tour. We know you meant the “eighteen,” but was the “8” meant to be 18? If it were 8 months, then we question how the main character didn’t see his wife in her third trimester. He surely would have had leave and the “PMJ Jr” could have been his… Secondly, and less critical (I think, but I don’t know the next installment – smiles), is that that Janice’s age was 14 in beginning and 13 later in the story. Both of these might suggest some time between the incidents of the story and the writing, but I for one, couldn’t tell.

I for one am in the camp that is surprised that the main character didn’t ask any questions, but I also think you might be developing the character as maturing (learning patience, wisdom ,what have you), but there again, I don’t know your theme yet. So, if you’re using those in that manner, you’re pretty good indeed! Either way, I’m looking forward to (as Paul Harvey would say… “the rest of the story.” Keep it up!

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by sophist80101/03/10

Thanks

Comments always welcome. I have a friend who will edit for me in the future. Both follow-up chapters have been submitted.
801

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by Justtoold07/26/10

Good story

A well put together story with lots of feeling.

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by DWornock08/21/11

No comment necessary.

I rated it 1*

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by BTTap02/08/12

Compelling

Haven't seen this author's submissions previously. Well-written build-up tale. I will read the next chapters. I did notice the inconsistencies (18 vs. 8 month deployments-I assume it was 18, or the story would't make sense, and that the "8" simply missed the "1" in front of it), nothing another round of editing wouldn't take care of.
I'm guessing, at this point, that the child was the daughter's, not the wife's. Hard to reconcile everything, but curious how it will all work out. I guess I'll find out.

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by Anonymous02/22/12

good idea, but you must do some research.

As any real soldier will tell you, on a 18 month deployment, the "major" would have gotten at least 2 weeks of R & R. I also don't know of any active duty soldier who is going to go to a civilian doctor for treatment of a battle injury. Then, after his unit returns, after the full 18 months of this alleged deployment, the "major" would be fenced into his unit for a minimum of 90 days after the reintegration.
While I find it admirable you want to write a story about "loving wives" and the "soldiers" who love them, since there is absolutely no actual sex in your stories,perhaps you should post them in the novels/ novellas or non-erotic section.

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by betrayedbylove07/10/12

OMG

Ultimate betrayal. It doesn't matter that the author doesn't have all the facts to be accurate. The point was made.
What does he do?
On to chapter 2.

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