All Comments on 'Suburban Predators'

Very, very interesting. Lots of good stuff in this poem, vrosej10.

You may want to get rid of a few "ing" words.

Under the candlelight,

see their struggle.

These darting morays of desire,

twist and devour.

I was a bit uncomfortable with the centered text, I felt it initially gave it a light and airy feel instead of the forboding of the text (unless that discomfort was intended). I agree with Eve that a bit of trimming would increase the power of the lines...

"Under the candlelight,

see their struggling.

These darting morays of desire,

twisting and devouring;

these are the true supplicants of the feed!

Their unpleasant lusts are like datura to the reasoning mind;

they seek the filthy, fleshy lucre,

in things as sickening as rancid cream."

consider:

"Under the candlelight,

see their struggle.

These darting morays of desire,

twist and devour;

true supplicants of the feed!

Their unpleasant lusts like datura to the reasoned mind;

they seek the filthy, fleshy lucre,

in things as sick as rancid cream."

By dropping the ...ing endings you make the poem that much more in the moment, more urgent.

Powerful stuff. Well done.

jth