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What I Learned at Literotica

byrpsuch©
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Comments (74)
by Anonymous

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by Pistolpackinpete07/13/10

WHEEE_OHHHH!!!!....

...now this was accurate commentary from a great writer. Thanks for the grins!

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by Anonymous07/13/10

GAWD MY 4 " PENIS & STUPID BLACK SEX CRAZED PARTY GOING WIFE LUV'D IT

Entertaining, sarcastic and hilarious summation rpsuch. I smiled, chuckled and even laughed aloud while reading your musings. Consider a similar article on the current administration, congress and voting public. I am confident such an article written by you would be a strong contender for Literotica story of the year. Thank you very much for the entertaining read.

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by DanielQSteele107/13/10

Now I understand the hidden meaning of "suc-ceed"

I knew you were a good writer, rpsuch, i just didn't know you were so damned funny. i have bookmarked this erudite article, which puts you in the company of some very good writers. By the way, you almost destroyed my literary career and I hope caused distress to some Lit readers....I was drinking a diet ginger ale while reading this piece of fluff and almost choked myself several times. You should repost this and place a warning to readers not to eat or drink while perusing it!

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by Seurat07/13/10

Oh, most definitely added to favorites

Well done! What am I supposed to do with my sarcastic story about lit, now?

Matbe you should add a section about similarities of ideas....

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by ohio07/13/10

If I may dare to offer a 21st...

...only in Literotica world does the word "minx" get used by actual human beings in actual conversation.

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by Anonymous07/13/10

HA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Too funny! and too true! -ish.

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by mumblegooseegg07/13/10

Add another few laws of physics

A woman's mouth can accommodate an 8-inch long cock as big around as a baseball bat, but overflows from one tablespoon of seminal fluid. This has two possible explanations: (1) One tablespoon of seminal fluid = one gallon of boiling lava; or (2) the fluid overflows because there is already a huge cock in there.

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by Anonymous07/13/10

Hilarious!

I couldn't stop laughing right from the start. I've been waiting for something like this for a good while now.

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by mumblegooseegg07/13/10

One criticism: your use of the term "cum."

I have looked up "cum" in any number of dictionaries. The word ain't there. I have looked up "come," and they all give "climax, have an orgasm" as one of the meanings. And I have yet to read a story, on Literotica or elsewhere, where I would get confused by the correct spelling.

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by Anonymous07/13/10

Thank you author for a great chuckle and divine words.

You made us laugh and we sincerely enjoyed it vs. all the psycho babble we get from the usual array of idiots [like size 14 IQ]. Thanks again for your efforts.

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by Anonymous07/13/10

Henceforth, He will be known as Gawd!

The best line I have read in a while. That spelling drives me crazy too; I hear it in my head and it sounds hilariously off.

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by 07/13/10

Brilliant, and damned funny

I'm particularly taken with "Spunk and White" (I have its poorer cousin, Strunk & White, in my desk drawer) and shall order my copy immediately! Hmm... I wonder if they'd mind if I kept the new manual at work?

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Brilliantly done and hilariously funny!

Geez!!! I was smoking my tobacco pipe while reading this and almost gave the stem a blow-job while not to mention almost burning myself with hot ash in the process because I was laughing so hard. # 5. Dancing causes hard-ons? There's a definition about dancing I know of: "It's a navel engagement without the loss of seamen"! #6? Guys who write stories can't dance? I guess that's why I don't have any submissions yet, heh, heh. 'Seed' instead of 'cum'? It's the fault of those farmers, especially the one's in the Bible Belt... they're trying to "genetically engineer" our wive's sexually habituated inclinations. Finally dear author, it's true... I effectively avoided the disclaimer and gaffawed and bellowed with laughter numerous times and with great mirth and gusto. How did I manage to do that? you ask. I read from the beginning and therefore was totally 'ignorant' of and disclaimer at all. This is your first submission I've read but will look into your other postings. Thank you.

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Very flashy sarcasm!!!

"Spunk and White". It can't be worse than my Fucking & Wagnall's.

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Dazzingly sarcastic! What a laugh I had.

"Spunk and White"? Can't be worse that my Fucking & Waghalls now, can it!

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by Anonymous07/13/10

Nailed it!!

But what about the infamous "ropes of cum"?

lol

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by sunkissedtoes07/13/10

You forgot about....

the 10 inch cocks in all of the incest/taboo stories...and the fact that the whole family always seems to join in or doesn't care. I learned that incest is common all around the world.

Also, apparently other women don't dry out from havng too much sex or chafing from all the friction...and they all squirt, all the time.

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by bbare07/13/10

Laughed out loud!

I usually don't read Humor and Satire submissions but your title caught my attention. As someone who has written a few stories, I have tried to avoid some of those stereotype traps that you allude to, yet I find myself guilty at times. However, it brought several chuckles and you certainly earned a score of 5 for it!

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by curious2c07/14/10

Great witty and intelligent look at 'reality' at lit.

The humor was of epic proportion, and the twisted 'look' at lit reality is quite entertaining. Thank you for sharing.

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by Seanshow07/14/10

Yo

Word

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by Anonymous07/14/10

And Now A Moment Of Wonderment or Bewilderment

But if they go forth to multiply it could be a righteous passage to get them through the night until dawn when it wears off and guilt asserts herself.

So many words and some of them meaningful too many - or not enough.

But you Sir rpsuch while out there are truly dialed in to most but appreciated by anyone with a brain or funnyboner.

We - Author - look forward to your next treatsy or is it treatsie?

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by AzanianHeat07/14/10

(Literotica) Reality check

Glad I clicked on this one. The title and description were too interesting to pass up.
And now, if I may, my two cents:
1. Despite the thousands upon thousands of reports the world over, there is no such thing as rape. No matter how vile the assailant, no matter how distressed the victim, the brutal and demeaning sex is consensual. Eventually. See, our man is merely doing the woman a favour by showing her she is a whore (technical term: cum bucket) and her true calling lies in spending the rest of her days seeking out other vile and vicious men interested in forcing their, um, seed on, in, over and around her.
2. Women gush like veritable fountains during orgasm. Enough to quench the thirsts of any number of men. Fortunately all men love the taste (sweet?), sight (glistening?), smell (musky?) and texture (slick?) of women's... juices.
3. It's ok for a woman to have a disproportionately huge backside - so long as she is black. In which case it's irresistably sexy. Being a black woman myself (I have yet to submit my writing to the site, therefore I have only one gender. And have not mastered limb regeneration as yet), I was thrilled by the news that the more junk in my proverbial trunk, THE BETTER. Men - especially impossibly gorgeous whites ones - will always lust after my ginormous, jiggling arse. Oh, happy day!

Thanks for the laugh. Can't wait to check your other work.
AH

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by thebullet07/14/10

and I thought there was something wrong with me...

in my misbegotten youth, I can remember dirty dancing with sexy women...
I remember hanging over my date while drunkenly mooning over a voluptuous singer in a smokey bar...
I can remember taking a startlingly beautiful woman in my arms and dancing while thinking that my fondest desire would be to lay her down and fuck her brains out right there on the dance floor....

And yet, I never once sprung a woody.

It never occurred to me that this was abnormal behavior until I started reading Literotica. Apparently most other men spring a boner as soon as they begin to dance. The more stories I read, the more I was concerned about my own sex drive.

Thanks, rpsuch, for letting me know that the problem wasn't with me.

-----------------------------------------

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by thebullet07/14/10

how about a few more...

I've gotta say that in my long, long life, I've never met one of Just plain Bob's uber-sexed females. Every woman jpb knows can keep going for as long as the many men she is with can get it up. In fact, many of the loving wives of Literotica are like that.

Most women I've known have pretty much been one and done.

I did a nooner with a lovely woman one afternoon when we got each other off 3 times in under two hours and I was patting myself on the back for a month.

Especially within the confines of the marital bed, after hitting that first big "O", usually it's a race to see who falls asleep first. Christ, we both gotta go to work in the morning.

I will say that my absolute fondest memory of wifey #1 was immediately after we took each others' virginity as teenagers. She started crying and very concerned, I asked her what was wrong. She said that she just realized she would have to confess to her priest that she had intercourse two times. I said, "Two times?" and she said, "Well we are going to do it again, aren't we?"

_____________________________________

rpsuc h has nailed many of the standard cliches of both writers and their commenters.

Maybe I can think of one or two:
(1) If the power goes off at your place of business (or the machines run out of oil, or you have suddenly come down with the flu, or some such natural but unlikely event happens) and you come home unexpectedly, you will
(1a) find a strange car in your driveway (or parked in your spot in the garage).
--or--
(1b) it's a car you recognize and you innocently think that your best friend's wife is visiting your wife for lunch.
-or-
(2) If your business trip is cut short and you tried to call your wife to let her know you will be home a day early but you can't reach her on the land-line or her cell phone (and she always] leaves her cell phone on)...
then
(2a) see (1a) -or- (1b) above about coming home early from work
-or-
(2b) she isn't home at all and finally shows up in the middle of the night and is surprised to find you sitting in the living room (or at the kitchen table).
----------------------------------
(3) In the case of finding the strange (or not strange) car in his driveway -(1a) or (1b),
hubby will quietly climb the stairs to hear that special sound of his wife having an orgasm, followed (or preceded) by the inevitable trash talk during which he learns that he has a small dick and he never satisfies her.

-----------------------------
(3)
(3a.1) during the trash talk heard from the hall outside the bedroom
-0r-
(3a.2) captured on the tapped phone
-or-
(3a.3) captured by the video cameras placed strategically and invisibly around the house

(3) the husband will learn the entire history of the affair including how long it's been going on and how many times the sinning couple has, well, sinned.

-----------------------------
(4) of course, during the confrontation with Wifey, she always explains that she didn't really mean it about his dick size; the talk just gets her lover(s) hotter.
---unless----
the author is Matt Morreau-- in which case, the hubby really does have a small dick

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by apollona07/14/10

Nicely done

Very funny, and well thought out. Thank you.

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by Reindeer5807/14/10

Great study

One thing a lot of 'authors' haven't learned is how a bra is sized. The cup A, B, C, etc represents the volume of what's in it. Each letter from A up represents more volume. The inches, i.e., 34, 36, 38, etc describes the circumference of the chest measured below the breast. I read one 'author' describing a woman of 4' 11" as 46DD, she had to have looked like a barrel with legs. Great read, great sarcasm, loved it. I hope my writings are a bit better.

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by sgt54807/14/10

Reality Bites.

A very observant article. But you forgot about all the husbands who love to eat their wives after the sweet (never did this before) wife has had sex with the Congolese army band. Yum, yum. Many silly stories are on this site but it sure helps break up reading about Wall Street shenanigans.

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by LancerInLA07/14/10

Wow

Damn this was funny. And as a long time Lit reader, how did I not see these truths before now. That is the mystery.

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by Rehnquist07/14/10

My secretary thanks you . . .

for having to wipe up the coffee that went through my nose and all over my desk calendar while I was reading this! Absolutely brilliant, erudite, well written . . . hell, there aren't enough superlative adjectives to describe how good this was.

Now, as the comments indicate, you've got us all thinking about all of the other overdone, cliche bullshit riddling so many stories on this site. You know, things like why do so many of the fictional wives have a history of being cum-slut gangbang recipients in college? Why wasn't I invited to any of those parties? Why did I never meet any of those women? Granted, I'm glad my own wife doesn't have such a history. Still, I wish I'd had a few such opportunities in my earlier days!

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by GrumpyGamby07/14/10

Very funny!

May I add one too?

Women, having sex with someone not their husband, are capable of bending at the waist and make it look just like they are bending at the hip. Women, you see, have been granted extra joints in their spinal column allowing it to create a 45 degree angle right smack in the middle, and then they can magically bring up their hips and bend again.

But only if the man has a huge dick.

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by Pistolpackinpete07/14/10

Ohio, the term "minx" is used as much as "fox" at least in New England....

....maybe because we have 'em. I'd add to the list only on Lit do the women never experience menopause and all the men (even the geriatrics) get raging hard- ons at the sight of a nipple.

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by Chagrined07/15/10

And here is the kicker.....

We all read this stuff!!! And react as if it was all true! :-)

Unbeknownst to many, RPSUCH also authored a brilliant analysis of the term "private dick" in detective fiction from Poe to Chandler.

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by ryu7707/15/10

Oh GAWD I LAUGHED OUT HARD!!!!!!

You made me remember three other cliches:

If you bet or gamble your wife, you will lose.

If you fall asleep or pass out drunk during a reunion or party your wife will always get laid.

Artificial insemination DOESN'T work and ADOPTIONS don't exist. Having sex with another man IS THE ONLY WAY a wife will get pregnant if the hubby is sterile.

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by grunabona07/15/10

*****

Five well-deserved stars for an intelligent and humorous look at Literotica. Thanks for the laughs, erudite one. I'm glad I decided to read your submission. It was well worth the time.

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by fregen07/16/10

Oh, well done!

The reason it is so funny is because it is so true. But as Chagrined said we all read this stuff. And react as if it was real. Sigh.

Besides if you banned all the cliche-ridden stories from Literotica you would probably have about two stories a day to read! Authors have to learn to write somewhere and the instant feedback from readers here give them an opportunity to learn (although some really don't seem to get it.) Those authors willing to brave the LW category generally get all the feedback they can handle.

So Bravo rpsuch. Nice to see you writing again after your layoff. Thanks for sharing.

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by Simple49er07/17/10

You left a few out!

All women who cheat are at leastpretty if not beautiful beyond expectations (never would an average or ugly wife cheat; she would have the brains to get a good lawyer and screw him financially which has better long term implicaitons) while the husband is average and should not be surprised when she strays. Another is that husbands are stupid and wives usually prove to be stupider (is that a word?) Matt Moreau and JPB have given us a world of men and women like tha. Husbands who actually have cajones, also served in on the following: green berets, 82nd Airborne, CIA, Mafia, or some other secretive organization that can send her off to some distant whore house for punishment.


You should run a contest and expand the list.

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by maxfly07/18/10

Sarcasm is a beautiful thing!

Whether you intended it or not, "What I Learned..." may become as important to the writing or erotic stories as Strunk's "The Elements of Style" is to main stream writing. The difference is that in your case you beautifully describe what not to do!

(For those of you who want to be writers (or think that you are) and have never read "The Elements of Style" I would highly and strongly recommend that you do. It is short, concise, and very, very relevant.)

I have to hold up my right hand and plead guilty to at least using "seed". When I write I hate to use any word repeatedly. I also hate gutter slang like "jizz" or "spunk". So, I look for other words to use for semen. I didn't invent "seed" but I think it does have a place. Regardless,

Thanks for the laugh!

Maxfly

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by rpsuch07/18/10

Thank you all

I was going to get around to this eventually, but Maxfly's comment about sarcasm moved me to action. At the local BJs one of the men who check people out the door regularly wears a t-shirt that says, "Sarcasm. Just part of the service." I still get a big kick out of that.
To all of you who read and enjoyed, comment or voted, please check my profile for a more complete expression of my appreciation.

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by sexmate07/20/10

This was a hOOt to read!

Thanks for the entertainment! These things are so true on Lit. And there are quite a few you left out!

Thanks for writing!

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by Anonymous08/29/10

Ultimate review of all erotic stories

Shows so brilliantly the holes pop fiction (and same gaps found in many movies etc.) leave in their stories of wild sex. And its so hilarious that most people enjoy these cliches that are unfounded in any sane man's logic.

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by deadsoon11/16/10

Damn ... I thought I might try my hand at writing

But after reading your story I think I will have a difficult time of it, especially as I will have to change my sex (refer item 20)! Thanks for the laugh and yeah I always wondered about the men getting hard-ons while dancing. I thought that maybe they somehow slipped back to their teenage years when getting a hard-on occurred at any time of day or night.

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by brujay12/01/10

Loss of Parents?

You forgot to mention it is a prerequisite in every story that the cheater or cheatee loses their parents at a tender young age due to an accident, which then qualifies them for victimhood to experience or suffer through a personal sexual revolutionary experience.

Maybe Gawd was planning ahead?

Humorous and truly welcomed commentary

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by ILienBagby12/05/10

I would write as

anonymous, but I don't want you to learn my social security number. Mr. Such, I would better have understood your essay and tried to implement its lessons, had I not been laughing and smiling sooooooo much.
Thank you.

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by estragon01/18/11

Shriekingly Funny

An easy 5.

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by AverageBear02/05/11

I'm rolling on the floor...

...fell off my chair with laughter at this one. Well-crafted and hilarious!

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by FD4502/18/11

Oh Mowi GAWD!

This is funny shit!

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by Kojote03/04/11

*chuckles*

Very good. Kept me grinning the whole time.
Thanks!

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by Anonymous03/05/11

If you can find time

to write some more of your hilarious, gripping.thought provoking stories without losing touch with those who need your personal touch.
We would love it, thank you.

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by FD4503/20/11

Let's not forget the other ones

21. Any woman, even after 20 years of marriage hasn't chuncked up. Her mom is hot. Her friends are hot.

22. If the man is about to be cheated on, he was a saint. He never cheated, made enought money, did his chores, the housework and his wife regularly. On his off days, he goes fishing, walking on water instead of wasting money on a boat. And if the woman cheats, she always realizes that he was the absolute best thing that ever happened to her, even better then that pair of Jimmy Choos.

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by Ladybriar05/20/11

Thank you

my Literotica education is now almost entirely complete ;-)

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