by Fran26
she acted like a tramp and still acting like one.i hope the boyfriend gets a good girl with some common sense.
...her fiancè.
he discovered just in time who was going to marry
The three "adults" in the story missed the part of their education where they might have learned to communicate. Her bad decisions in the original story were compounded in Ch 2. All too common in our world.
Yes the girl! Please give her a Darwin award. Let's make sure her genes are not passed on. The story is also rather insipid
The author is as dumb as the heroine. Is spoiled and stupid just a huge part of western culture women?
Ron found out what kind of slut she really was before they got married.
When your friend Maureen asked Ron to leave if he could not act civilized, what tone did she use? She was pissed off and probably condescending. That in itself would have pissed me off. It would not have hurt my little feelings, it would not have bruised my gigantic male ego, it would have PISSED ME OFF. I think it pissed Ron off too. That is why he left the house. Some have said that Ron is a controlling bastard. Ron did not control a fucking thing. I will bet the first time he controlled anything was when he walked out the door. What happened to these people was a long time coming. Ron had finally had enough of the controlling bitch. That is why he packed her shit so quickly. It is also why he would not talk to her. The first chapter was based on actual events. I think you have said the second was a story. I hope Ron stays far away from this broad. Women like this do not know how to give of themselves the way good relationship requires. She will have to change her attitude or get a man who does not mind getting stepped on.
First of all, a small "nit picking" — You referred Ron as "Fiancée" when it should've been "Fiancé". Fiancée is the feminine of fiancé.
*-*-*
You completely changed the characters, I mean — Henry was not a womanizer, but normally quite shy around women? I can buy Henry NOT being a "womanizer" but "SHY" around women?
"Maybe but you are the best looking woman here and a fiancé is not always around we could have some fun together sometimes. Just once is not a habit, you could give me your cell number I would call you I can tell you are interested."
— Does he sound like "SHY" person? Either make him a complete "bad" guy or a "timid" shy person trying to be over smart.
*-*-*
"He did not know that Ron was my fiancée, for all he knew Ron was just a friend."
Read this — from first chapter...
"Henry I have a fiancé and am not interested, go after the single women, there are a few and two nice looking single sisters will be here soon."
"Maybe but you are the best looking woman here and a fiancé is not always around we could have some fun together sometimes.
Henry KNEW she was engaged, and Ron was not just a "friend".
*-*-*
Fran, I appreciate your efforts — but please STICK to the characters, and you sure need an editor that'll clear these glitches.
~Kelly~
I know the difference between feminine and masculine, loll . but my corrector kept insisting on (Fiancee).
I did however learn my lesson, that second chapter was fiction, and I realize that this is not my forte. I will in future keep away from writing this type of story.
Fran26
We all know you're a starting writer, and you shouldn't get discouraged when your early efforts don't measure up. Was this a great story? Sorry, but no. It did, however, have certain aspects that showed promise that can be improved with practice.
First, I liked where you tried to take the story. I agree the characters weren't totally consistent between the two chapters, particularly Henry. Still, I only thought you could take this one of three directions: 1. Ron and Maureen reconcile; 2. Maureen is crushed when she sees Ron with another woman and knows it's over; or 3. they both live pathetic, embittered lives. I certainly didn't see this one going in this direction!
Second, ignore most of the woman haters who have already commented. (Do you all keep your women barefoot and pregnant chained to the stove in your trailer homes?) Women and men, due to their inherent differences, see things from different angles. You've added a feminine look at a common story line and they're pissed off because Maureen didn't live the (all too used and fantasy world) chaste life for nine years pining away for Ron to return to her. Sorry, guys, but she tried apologizing to Ron once and he cut her off at the knees. Then he sends her an e-mail calling her a slut--BEFORE she's even slept with anyone yet!--for not groveling at his knees for forgiveness? Hey Ron, get a fucking life!
Third, I do have a quibble with the story beyond the writing itself. Simply put, Maureen is too wishy washy. Could she have handled it better? Yes. But she was introduced as a strong woman who didn't need to be protected 24/7 by her big strong hunk of a man, so why make her weaker as the story progressed?
Either way, DON'T QUIT! Writing is not easy and, just like everything else, you'll only get better with practice, practice, practice. If the commenters don't like your stories, they don't have to read them. You write for you. Sure, praise is nice, but really it's just nice to write a good story, and your interesting turn with the plot indicates that you may have a few good stories left to tell.
I can only say that this was a story that obviously didn't go down well with the readers, hell I KNOW what that feels like. But always remember write a story how YOU want to write it do NOT let anyone, (ME included!) tell you how and what to write. If you are happy with the story then stick with it, it is after all YOUR story. And despite what some of the comments have said, I think you did okay with the story.
Anyway I REPEAT. Do not quit writing. But if you do feel safer writing your 'Normal' type of story then please do so.
Whatever you choose to do good luck with it.
Barefoot and pregnant? Chained to the stoves in our trailer homes? I think that comment was directed at me. I can guarantee you that I am probably as well off as you. Lawyer or not. Let's not go there. The second chapter was a STORY. I did not comment on it. The first was based on actual events, that is what I commented on. Maureen is the kind of woman who thinks she can handle everything herself. She also does not understand what the word communication means. If she did this would have never happened. The woman is probably a fucking harpy. I gathered that from the beginning. I think most of the others did too. If you want to encourage the writer thats fine. Do not take my words out of context to fit your fucking agenda.
So she's nice to strangers who played with her tits in front of an entire party full of people, including her future husband, Ron, but Ron, who didn't kiss her ass and, privately, told her she was a slut cause she acted like one is the "bad guy" cause he had the attitude? And the real bad guy wins her cause he bought her roses (every whore has her price). She acts like a slut and she's the one to be apologized to? And if Ron had married the slut, he's supposed to apologize to HER every time she thinks its funny to have some guy's hands get stuck in her bra or panties? Are you people who think this is the correct behavior living in some alternate reality? Wait, I know how to correct this. Ron merely shows up to the next party they're all at, hands her some flowers and begins fondling Maureen tits, ass and twat in front of everyone and lets her, and apparently Henry, do what comes naturally. Maureen won't want to make a scene so she'll let Ron give her more fingerprints than the FBI has, and as long Ron can get Henry upset while Ron only plays the groping masher, Ron should be back home free. That's the way all the commentators seem to think this is supposed to work?? And she's the one who's supposed to be able to take care of herself???
....readers with brains no doubt thought that it was improbable that she would entertain the jerk that helped her fuck up her engagement but more likely the readers were rightfully pissed at a storyline with incomplete transitions. We are given no viable segues from one aberrant behavior to the other. No one to like in a story with no character development.I'm all for encouraging serious writers but a little more effort before posting is only polite. The readers aren't supposed to do the editing and plot formulation, but some writers seem to use this site that way. Reinquist correct that you should not give up but please be more critical yourself before posting.
I really hate to see, almost, when a writer stops writing for literotica. on the other hand with the attitude you show in this story, even worse in chapter two, I agree with you. the difference between how you think people are seeing you and how other people are seeing you is so far apart that it is really unhealthy. completely undiscerning, resistant to advice, deluded. you should learn a bit more about life in general, respect, decency and reality. eventhough I admit it is a bit hard for you with all that MTV shit, desperat Housewife rubbish you can watch all day. but it is worrying me a lot more to see that people like you can't tell the difference and think that is the way it is. so until you have grown up or got wiser all the best.
So Henry cost her the man she loved. So what does she do? That's right she dates him! Sorry, I don't see that one happening unless she's a skanky slut, and I don't think the character was intended to a either skanky or slutty. So it doesn't add up.
Women are supposed to feel a emotion, at least a little. So here's Henry, the man who's cheap attempt to grope her and hit on her caused what is perhaps one of most painful emotional events in her life. A woman woukdnt touch such an asshole with a ten foot pole in real life.
I can believe shed be trying to date, but not Henry.
As for Ron. He would have already moved on. He'd have no trouble replacing her. He's got confidence and attitude, the women would beating a path to his door.
Keep trying, remember agrees story has no wimps in it, and I'll look forward to reading your next one,
Author - occasionally one strikes out but this pile of shit isn't worth reading once [glad we skimmed it]. The only cliche you missed was the fallacy of the black dick angle.
First thanks to all those who took the time to write comments I read all of them and there is something to learn from all of them.
Merci.
I did say that I would stop writing this genre but I will write again about things that are based on experiences, my own. loll
As for Mtv I like the reference to that. it made me laugh thanks. Except for the news on CNN and Formula one races on TSN , I watch very little tv certainly not (desperate house wife).
Good night to all
Bonne Nuit
Francine
The bad decision was the one I made to read this shit
The really bad decision was made by fran26 to write it in the first place
writing style very easy to read that's OK.
character development doesn't fit well. First Maureen is upset remorseful so on and so forth. Character presents with morals and love for fiance storyline is she stuffs up by not realising what she did at the party to her fiance in front of everyone. so ok part 1 sets up the scene/ background
In pt 2 she is then suddenly selfish, entitled which is a complete apparent 180 turnabout without any apparent reason for this.
character cannot seem to understand she publicly humiliated her fiance & then continues to basically set out a situation where she doesn't do much to contact fiance never tries to go see him etc etc - seems contrived here.
character then wants to go with guy who she blames for the trouble in the first place? that may fit with character set up as selfish slut etc but seems out of place with character set up in pt 1.
The flirting guy first a grade 1 jerk is then 'wonderful' also seems a bit formulated.
Now its not that its a bad story, just that when you write in the future you perhaps need to remain in line with the characters you develop - no sudden shifts without some work on how or why etc such a change came about - for instance here you could have included a few paragraphs on Maureen admitting that she didn't really want to marry or it was too soon or whatever to lead her into telling fiance she wanted out. That she jumped into the flirter's hands seems again too formulated.
Overall I think you write well, keep it up
Definitely not your best author - frankly, [as others stated] if it was possible to give this pathetic effort a negative 5 - it would happen a hundred times over.
this guy needs a good editor and a proof reader. The gramatical, typing and spelling arrors are a real detraction to the story
This story is garbage. She is completely wrong and since everyone told her she was wrong SHE should've sucked it up and made a big play for Ron, and NEVER EVER no matter what should Henry get the girl, he should've been run out of town.
As if CH 01 wasn't bad enough. I wonder if the characters in this still have to go home to get Mummy to change their wet nappies.
Can't even believe it's the same story!!!!!
IDIOT!!!!
Those two pathetic people deserve each other.
Henry will find out shat a whore she is ..... once a cheater always a cheater! Btw .. your story sux!
Many years ago. It was early when I got there. I spent my day drinking keg beer and watching 2 sisters go to the barn with numerous different men. They all came back looking happy. Later that night I saw them both with their husbands who had gotten there late. They both still looked very happy!
Okay you gotta be lesbian hahaha because you write shit about men and how they think,haha, a woman would at least have a clue but your characters bounce around in their thinking and justify there actions,a good thing in real life you could avoid these women easy,a chip on shoulder a mile high, and low intelligence,also a cardboard vocabulary, and no self respect(poor hygiene),they are easy to imagine.
But you still need an editor. But I understand. You're a Canadian and judging from your location in your Bio - probably speak French as your first language. That's why your writing seems a little stilted. But still, the story was amusing. They both weren't very smart and got what they deserved. At least no one needed to get divorced.
The best thing that happened to Ron was seeing Maureen being felt up and liking it. Now he's free of the future slut and will be a better person for it.
AN editor would really help. And I assume your story language seems stilted because French is your "native" language? Not a horrible story, but not a good one either. Some of the characters behave oddly without reason. And it was odd that the about-to-be hubby should do nothing more than wait for her. Must not have cared for her very much. Of course her behavior would have made most men run for the hills anyway. Que sera sera.
She was engaged. Flirted with a guy. Let him caress her breast and liked it. Somehow Ron gets casts as the bad guy. OH AND THE STATEMENT ABOUT OL' HENRY BEING SO SHY AROUND WOMEN IN FIRST CHAPTER. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE EXCUSE ME FOR LAUGHING.
TENDING TO BE ON THE SHY SIDE MYSELF I CAN TELL YOU SUCH A PERSON DOES NOT GO UP TO A FEMALE HE HARDLY KNOWS AND START GROPING HER!!
ANOTHER THING, IF HE WAS THAT SHY HE WOULD HAVE ASKED HER BROTHER ABOUT HER AND FOUND OUT SHE WAS ENGAGED. SO OL' HENRY MAY CLAIM TO BE ALL SHY AND FUMBLING BUT THAT IS JUST HIS 'HUGH GRANT' MODUS OPERANDI
This is very well and nervy written. The author isn't trying for popular acceptance or trying to appear mature. She's lonely when Henry makes his 2nd , more suave play and ultimately those two become a thing. Maybe it will work out . I doubt it. The narrator is an attractive woman who has options. She's been alone and is tired of it ...moving on. I think in terms of being Henry being ' the right choice ' , it looks awkward.
It might work if Henry and narrator have been chastened by the repercussions of their ' bad decisions, . They are not inherently evil people. Color me a doubter though. They're young & most of us have done things that in the fullness of time were less then fully considered. My verdict ? This is an excellent story about being human ...all too human.
The reason is because it shows clearly how women refuse to be accountable for their actions and the result. Everything in her mind is because of her finace. She completely disrespected him and their engagement and he is in some way at fault. What a typical self absorbed whore.
in general....is it quite easy for a woman to get over a man.That is what killed this story for me.
she goes and does something wrong and ron refused to put up with it then plays the victim . just like real life ..her name is slut and AIDS rode with her
I would side with Ron and his reaction until his last email to her. That is
when he lost my respect. Up until then his honor was intact but to
send an email with contents like that he crossed a line.
With any of your characters. You gave everyone excuses until you ran out of them! It all happened because our "shy" Henry had put his hand on the little slut's tit and she let it stay there until her fiance' caught them. She comes up with a million excuses about why she let that happen and none of them could have been her fault..oh no not me she says!!! But none of this would have happened if she had an ounce of decency in her! But since this is written by a woman...well it isn't and won't be her fault and at the end Ron becomes the fall guy. LOL
A relationship like this doesn't die unless (a) there's a good reason why Ron doesn't trust her, or (b) Ron's a controlling asshole.
The characters are sufficiently superficial that it could really be either or both. Probably a good thing for both of them that they broke up.
plays the victim and then turns it on him . hes better off without the slag.
Please no. The only good thing is Henry is a piece of garbage, so she will end up miserable in the end, getting what she deserved. If I was her brother I would tell Henry to stay away from my sister, and kick his ass if he didn't.
That certianly went from bad to worst
Easy to dislike the woman. Horrible person.
...undoubtedly easy virtue. Conflicted by a situation fraught with potential misunderstandings from all directions. None of the three main characters is blameless. A story that is deceptively simple. 5*
Sorry switch places shed make him jump through hoops, Better she be sterilized
Maureen should have slapped Henry when he touched her breasts. Now she says that she liked Henry, what a SLUT! Maureen explicitly told Ron to leave the party because Ron wanted to punch out the guy who sexually harassed his fiancé. No shy guy would ever touch a woman's breasts In public! Henry was a player since only a player would have the guts to do that. Author has made Maureen a slut! Maureen got played and Henry will impregnate her and then take off to leave Maureen as a single mother.
Its a bad enough she is seeing that same man but seems like you are supporting her. You need to clear your ideas regarding feminism.
Ok. I disagree that the story is crap. I did not like the way it turned out. However, there are plenty of female narcissists out there, who cannot stop getting a “ high” on male attention.
The guy in this story made the right decision dumping her. No way, was she going to be loyal over the long term. THAT being said, I think the author “incorporated” some f her life experiences, that just did not fit. For one, the guy had to be good looking, or she wouldn’t have allowed any relationship at all.Narcissists need admiration and envy. Hard to get that, when you are engaged to an average guy. Sooo.... I am sure he had no trouble filling the “void” that was his ex. No, I am not buying the ending, on his part.
What a shit story, you have her justifying her bad behaviour. I would dump the slut as well. She was wrong.
Scores 1/5 for being a garbage tale
Agree with you, anyone can justify their actions in their own minds.
I am reminded of Jack Nickelson's character in As Good As It Gets. When asked how he made his female characters so believable, he responded "I start with a man, then remove reason and accountability." Maureen fits that description perfectly .. she blames her decision to be a slut on Ron. SHE, being female, must NOT be held accountable for her choices and actions.
Wow, what a load of crap trying to justify her actions. Seems like they both weren't ready to marry but she was the cause of that not the fiancé. He should be glad it didn't work out from what a train wreck their marriage would be.
There was no relationship between the wife in the first chapter and the wife in the second chapter. It was as if you were writing about two different people. The same goes for the husband and boyfriend. You completely ruined the story by having ever major character completely flip flop. The boyfriend goes from being a womanizing prick to a meek shy wallflower. The fiancée goes from a decent guy to a complete asshole. Why not just write two different stories.
Two different stories names are the same but the characters are totally different. You fucked up your own story completely
1/5