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Angel Alyssa

bythepervjack©
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Comments (5)
by Anonymous

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by motherfucker7411/06/10

Has a lot of potential

But could be so much better if you extended it a tad. A little more build up. They finish before I can even get started.

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by MizT11/06/10

Great Start

I think you are off to a great start. Having said that I must agree with the last comments that say to make the scenes a little more drawn out and a little longer. The story itself is really good and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

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by imurddy01/09/11

not sure

I liked the story, but one problem. A girl kissing and licking your dick is not an innocent act. You're trying to convey to the reader that she is not experienced, and until this point innocent, but she crossed that line. Showing the fathers shock that the daughter, he thought was so innocent, would do that would have been more effective. Also, that the father got upset with himself, instead of her, wasn't a logical progression of thought. Still, it was a good story.

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by Tangaray12/17/12

very good

your story was very good and well written. So nice of you to share your talent with us all. Keep writing. :-)

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by Fumanchuck08/23/13

Slow down!

It's a little quick, how about some character development and plot?

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